


Veritas Omnia Vincit

by Heatherlly



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Gen, Severitus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 00:06:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 43,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10560022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heatherlly/pseuds/Heatherlly
Summary: Lily and Severus reconcile after her marriage to James, beginning an affair that will have long-lasting consequences. Canon compliant until "The Half-Blood Prince". Eventual Severitus.





	1. Part One: Severus and Lily

**Introductory Notes** : _Welcome, readers! Just a few notes before we get started:_

_1.) This story will not be flattering to the Marauders, especially James Potter. I'll be highlighting his arrogance, his bullying and manipulation, along with a willingness to do just about anything to get what he wants. This is a version of his character that feels realistic to me – I find it hard to believe that he went through such a drastic change in a few short years and became the perfect husband/father._

 _2.) I'm no fan of James, but I do like Lily. If you feel differently, that's fine, but please don't bash her_ _in your reviews._

_3.) This story will be canon compliant up to "The Half-Blood Prince", so be prepared for a major character death._

_4.) Finally, this is a "Severitus" story. The dynamic between Severus and Harry will be dealt with in part two, while part one will focus on his relationship with Lily._

_** Rated M for profanity, sexual content, and other adult themes._

**Veritas Omnia Vincit** : (Latin) _Truth Conquers All_

* * *

##  **Part One: Severus and Lily**

* * *

Lily huddled closer to Petunia, doing her best to shield herself from the summer storm. Of course, a simple charm could've kept her dry, but the results would've been too obvious in a cemetery full of Muggles.

"Do you have to stand so close?"

"I'm getting wet."

"Well," Petunia said, "you should've thought of that before you left the house without an umbrella."

Shrugging, Lily shot a pointed glance at Vernon. He hadn't brought one either, though Petunia didn't scold him for _his_ oversight. Instead, she made sure he was fully covered, while Lily's dress was already soaked through.

"I could duplicate yours," she suggested. "Make one for me and for Vernon, too."

Petunia's eyes widened, her face turning an unflattering shade of red. "What did I tell you about…"

"I know, but no one's even here yet."

"Lily, this is no place for your nasty tricks."

" _Nasty?_ There's nothing nasty about…"

Suddenly, Petunia's expression changed, her scowl giving way to a subdued smile. She slipped an arm through Vernon's, seeming to forget about Lily as she turned to greet the first arrivals.

"Thank you for coming, Julia. I know my mother would've appreciated…"

Lily didn't hear the rest, her throat tightening as she watched the pallbearers approach. She still couldn't believe her parents were in those coffins, battered and broken by the car crash that had taken their lives. The last time she'd seen them, they'd never looked better, her father waiting by the door in his finest suit as her mother practically floated down the stairs.

"How do I look?"

"Beautiful," Lily said, staring at her with open admiration. She'd chosen a cream colored skirt and matching blouse, auburn curls scooped into a loose chignon. Her hair was only a couple shades darker than Lily's, their faces eerily similar despite the three decades that separated them. Only the eyes had been different – Lily had inherited her father's brilliant green, while her mother's were a deep, rich brown.

"Thank you, dear." She'd smiled, patting Lily's cheek with one hand as she'd reached for her purse with the other. "We'll be back before midnight."

"Have fun!"

 _Have fun?!_ Those words had haunted Lily ever since, seeming like the worst thing she could've possibly said in that moment. Her parents hadn't even made it to the restaurant, colliding with a drunk driver just a couple miles from home.

"There's been an accident, Miss Evans. We've summoned an ambulance for your father."

"And my mother?"

There'd been a long pause on the other end of the line.

"She's gone, Miss Evans. I'm sorry."

Lily had Apparated straight to the hospital, too shocked to fully absorb what was happening. Petunia arrived soon thereafter, but by then, it was already too late. Their father had passed away en route, never regaining consciousness.

 _Have fun…_ she wished she could go back and say something meaningful, hating herself for not choosing her words with more care. Of course, she couldn't have known that her parents were about to die, but what did that matter? She should've told them that she loved them, should've…

"Lily!"

Blinking furiously, she returned her attention to Petunia. Her sister's manner was still carefully composed, though there was no mistaking the peevish edge to her voice.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?"

Petunia didn't respond, addressing the man in front of them instead. "You must forgive my sister, Pastor Smith. She hasn't been herself lately."

"Perfectly understandable," he replied. "The loss of family is never easy, though we must remember that this separation need not be permanent. If we put our faith in God, we shall be reunited with our loved ones in heaven someday."

Lily managed a polite nod, sighing in relief as the pastor turned to leave. He took position between the empty graves, motioning for one of his parishioners to hold an umbrella over his head.

"Very well," he said, withdrawing a Bible from his pocket. "Shall we begin?"

The service seemed to go on for hours, full of droning prayers and empty platitudes about eternal life. Lily tuned most of it out, realizing it had nothing to do with her parents. Oh, they'd attended church for the occasional holiday, but even that had ended when they'd found out their younger daughter was a witch.

"We have to go to church!" Petunia had argued. "It's what decent people do!"

"Decent people work hard. They're kind to others and take care of their families. Church has nothing to do with…"

"But what will everyone _think?_ If we don't show up, even for _Christmas_ …"

"I doubt they'll notice, dear."

Of course, Petunia hadn't listened, even when their mother's words turned out to be true. She'd only tried harder to prove her respectability, something she was obviously trying to do with this funeral. It was why she'd chosen the most expensive flowers, why she'd spent thousands on needlessly ornate caskets. She seemed more desperate than ever to make a good impression, smiling sweetly as they were approached by a woman that had to be Vernon's sister.

"Marge," she said. "Thank you for coming."

"Least I could've done under the circumstances. How are you holding up?"

"Well enough, I suppose. We've been so busy planning the funeral that…"

"You did a brilliant job," Marge interrupted. "Both of you."

Lily looked up, surprised to be acknowledged. But then she noticed that Marge's eyes were fixed on Vernon, who had the nerve to murmur his thanks.

Naturally, Petunia did nothing to correct Marge's assumption. She didn't explain that she'd made all the funeral arrangements herself, not even allowing her own sister to help. In fact, she didn't mention Lily at all, leaving her to stand there like some unwanted intruder.

"I'm glad you went with the flower arrangements I recommended," said Marge. "I'm sure your parents would've loved…"

"Our parents would've hated them."

Lily hadn't meant to let the words slip, but she wasn't about to take them back. Instead, she lifted her chin, her eyes defiant.

"Ah," Marge said, the shock in her expression giving way to speculation. "You must be Petunia's sister."

"I have a name."

"Yes, well, we haven't been introduced, have we? I can hardly be expected to know…"

"No, I suppose not," Lily said. "I imagine Petunia doesn't talk about me much when I'm not around. Hell, she barely talks _to_ me, even when I'm right here beside her."

"Lily…" Petunia's voice was calm, though there was no mistaking the flush of color that had crept into her cheeks. "This is Marge Dursley. Marge, this is my younger sister, Lily."

"Pleasure," Marge said stiffly.

"Likewise."

With that, Lily excused herself, knowing that her presence wasn't welcome. The three of them seemed determined to exclude her, as if they'd already formed some new family to which she didn't belong. That thought made her feel terribly lonely, which wasn't helped by the other guests. She was surrounded by strangers, after all, none of whom bothered to speak to her as she went to stand beside the empty graves.

"Who are these people?" she'd asked Petunia when the notices had gone out. "Did they even know Mum and Dad?"

"They're my friends. Old schoolmates, work colleagues…"

" _Your_ friends."

Petunia sniffed. "I don't know what you're implying, but inviting them is the proper thing to do."

"Well, in that case, maybe I should invite some of _my_ friends."

"You wouldn't dare."

Lily had been tempted to argue, though in the end, she'd decided against it. She hadn't wanted to treat the funeral like a social event, surrounding herself with people who'd barely known her parents if they'd ever met them at all. What she _wanted_ was…

"Come on, Lily. Let's go."

She looked up, surprised to see that most of the guests were heading to their cars.

"Aren't we going to stay until…" She trailed off, gesturing at the coffins.

"Everyone else is already heading to the house," Petunia said. "Besides, I'd rather not…"

For the first time, Lily caught a glimpse of genuine pain in her sister's eyes. The sight was jarring, a stark reminder that Petunia was grieving, too.

"I know," she said gently. "It's just a bit too final, isn't it?"

"Do you think I bought enough ice?"

" _Ice?_ "

Petunia nodded. "For drinks."

"I don't know, but I was hoping we could talk about…"

"Suppose I can always send Vernon to pick up a couple more bags."

With that, Petunia strode away without a backward glance, leaving her no choice but to follow.

* * *

The limousine was warm and dry, though Lily would've rather walked home in the rain. She couldn't imagine anything worse than being trapped in close confines with Marge Dursley, those small, piggish eyes scrutinizing her every movement.

"You'll be riding with us, of course," Petunia said. "No need to pay for another taxi."

"Thank you, but I need to stop by the hotel and check on the dogs."

"No reason we can't take a detour," Vernon said. "Come to think of it, there's no reason you should be spending all that money on a hotel either. We've a perfectly good guest room back at the house."

"I wouldn't want to impose."

"Nonsense!" Petunia exclaimed. "We'd love to have you."

Lily stared at them incredulously, though she knew there was no point in arguing. She didn't even complain when a trio of bulldogs crowded into the car, two of them poking her with their cold noses while the third slobbered all over her dress. Clearly, no one gave a damn what she thought, so why should she…

"Vernon says you're on holiday until the end of the month."

Petunia nodded. "That should give us time to clean out the house before we put it on the market."

"What?!" Lily said. "You can't sell the house!"

"Why not? Legally speaking, it's mine now."

"But… where am I supposed to _live?_ "

Petunia shrugged. "Won't you be going back to that school of yours?"

"Yes, but…" Lily trailed off, struggling for composure. "I'll still need a home to come back to. You can't just… Mum and Dad wouldn't have wanted…"

"I have no _idea_ what they would've wanted," Petunia shot back, "seeing as they didn't leave a will. What I _do_ know is that this funeral cost a fortune. I need to sell the house to cover what I spent, not to mention…"

"It only cost so much because _you_ felt the need to show off!"

Petunia narrowed her eyes. "That's a horrible thing to say."

"It's the truth," Lily said. "You didn't care what they might've wanted, didn't even stop to consider it. You just…"

"The arrangements your sister made were lovely," Marge interjected. "I'm sure your parents would've approved."

"Did you even _know_ our parents?"

"No, but…"

"Right, which means this is none of your damn business!"

" _Lily!_ "

Petunia was fuming now, though Lily didn't care. She leaned forward, her eyes fixed on her sister.

"Don't you _dare_ tell me to apologize. Not after the way you – all of you – have been treating me."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about." Lily grunted, attempting to shove a large black bulldog off her lap. "They were my parents too, or have you forgotten? _My_ parents, yet my feelings, my opinions, none of it seems to matter. No one bothered to ask me what kind of flowers we should have. No one stops to consider what I might like to do about the house, or…"

"How do you think _I_ feel?" Petunia snapped. "Having all of this dumped on my shoulders?"

"Oh, please. If you'd let me help…"

"Legally speaking…"

"You're the adult," Lily finished for her. "Yes, I _know_ that. But I still had a right to be involved. How do you think Mom and Dad would feel if they knew… _will you get this bloody dog off me?!_ "

Marge made a tutting noise, though it had little effect. The dog placed its paws on Lily's chest, swiping one of her cheeks with its overly large tongue. Shuddering, she tried again to push it away, only to freeze as she heard Marge chuckle.

"Fine," she said. "I guess we'll have to do this the hard way."

With that, she withdrew her wand from her sleeve, doing her best not to smile as she heard a collective gasp.

"Put that thing away!" Petunia shrieked.

"Bruno," Marge said, her voice suddenly urgent. "Bruno, _come_."

_"Et cessabit."_

The change was instantaneous. Not just one, but all three dogs retreated to the opposite side of the seat, completely docile as they lay down with their heads resting on their paws. One by one, their eyes drifted closed, followed by peaceful silence.

"You…" Marge trailed off, her eyes wide with horror. "What have you _done_ to them?!"

"What does it look like?"

"If you hurt them…"

"Do they _look_ hurt?" Lily sighed. "It's just a charm to calm them down."

Vernon, who'd been impressively quiet up until that point, began to mutter under his breath.

"What did you say?"

He hesitated, shooting a quick glance at her wand. "This is no place for your… well, whatever it is, you've got no business…"

"Magic," she interrupted. "It's called magic."

"That's enough, Lily," Petunia said, her voice trembling. "Put it away now."

Lily shrugged, tucking her wand back in her sleeve. For now, it was enough that she'd made her point – she was in control and they all knew it, whether they were willing to admit it or not. Oh, she might choose to keep things civil (for the most part), but that _was_ a matter of choice, not an obligation.

"All right," she said quietly. "Where were we?"

"You were complaining about the arrangements I made."

"I wasn't complaining, I…" She paused, giving her head a little shake. "I was only trying to make a point. Anyway, it's done now."

Petunia didn't respond, choosing to glare at her instead.

"As for the house…"

"I'm selling it, Lily. There's nothing you can say that will change my mind."

"Okay, you're selling it. Fine. What are you planning to do after that happens?"

"I already told you. I'll need to cover funeral expenses."

"Yes, I know, but there should be plenty left over."

"Oh, I see," Petunia said. "You're after the money."

It took all the restraint Lily had not to blow up at her sister. She took a deep breath, struggling to bring her temper under control.

"No," she said. "I'm only trying to figure out how I'm supposed to survive. If I'm going to be homeless…"

"Don't be so dramatic."

" _Dramatic?_ " Lily echoed. "I'm 17 years old, Petunia. Never had a job, no source of income beyond what Mum and Dad gave me, and now I won't have a place to live. It's not like I can just…"

"What?" Marge interrupted, her voice snide. "Seek gainful employment like the rest of us? You know, Petunia, if I were you, I wouldn't give it to her. Not a single shilling. Let her see what it's like to…"

" _Silencio!_ "

Lily didn't know how her wand ended up in her hand. She didn't even know she was casting the spell until it had already left her mouth. Once it was out though, she had no intention of taking it back. Instead, she turned to Vernon, cutting him off mid-protest with another flick.

Petunia stared at the Dursleys, her mouth falling open in shock. Marge was clutching at her throat, her eyes wide, while Vernon gestured frantically, his face turning a mottled shade of red.

"What did you… fix it, Lily. _Now!_ "

"No," Lily said, her voice calm. "Not until we're finished."

"You can't leave them like that! I _insist_ that you…"

"They're going to stay quiet until we're done with this conversation. Keep arguing, and I'll do the same to you. Understand?"

Petunia crossed her arms over her chest, her nostrils flaring. "You wouldn't…"

"I wouldn't dare? Try me."

"Fine, let's get this over with."

Lily nodded. "As I was saying, it's not like I can just rent a place as soon as I leave school. I'll need time to find a job, and I'm sure it'll be a couple weeks before I bring home any wages. Isn't that the way it was for you? I seem to recall Mum and Dad sending you cheques after you moved to London."

"How much do you want?"

"Enough to cover several months of rent. A little extra for food, clothes, basic necessities."

"What else?"

"I'll want a few keepsakes from the house. Pictures, knickknacks…"

"You're not getting the pearls."

Lily shrugged. "I didn't ask for them."

"Anything else?"

"Yes."

"Well?" Petunia said. "Spit it out."

"I want the two of them to stay at a hotel. I don't want them – or those horrible dogs – sleeping at our house."

Petunia's eyes widened, her mouth falling open in disbelief. Turning away from Lily, she addressed Vernon and Marge instead.

"I'm so sorry. She doesn't mean… _of course_ you can stay…"

"They were _my_ parents," Lily said quietly. "That house was _my_ home. If I've only got two weeks left to live there, I'd like to do it in peace."

"Well," Petunia said. "That's not your choice to make. Legally, I own the house. If I want to invite guests…"

Lily sighed. "I need privacy, Petunia. I need a little time to grieve. I shouldn't have to do that around people I barely know, especially when those people _obviously_ don't like me."

"And who's fault is that? You've gone out of your way to provoke them."

"No, I haven't," she said. "Though there's no point in arguing about it. I'm only asking…"

Petunia started to interrupt, though it was Vernon who had the final word. He passed her a slip of paper, tucking a ballpoint pen back in his pocket.

"All right," she told Lily. "We'll do this your way."

"What about the living expenses? The keepsakes?"

"Yes, yes," Petunia said, rolling her eyes. "Whatever you want. Now fix…"

Lily didn't wait for her to finish. She lifted her wand, bracing herself for a flurry of shouts as she canceled the spells. To her surprise, the Dursleys remained oddly subdued, though there was no avoiding the venom in their eyes. Contempt had given way to outright hatred, making her wonder if using magic had been a mistake. Perhaps she should have…

No. These people were determined to think the worst of her, no matter _how_ she behaved. Better to stand up for herself than let them get away with treating her like dirt.

The way Petunia treated her.

With that thought, Lily turned her attention back to her sister. It was jarring to realize that Petunia was the only family she had left, this cold, sour faced woman who clearly wanted as little to do with her as possible. She'd hoped the loss of their parents would bring them closer, bound by blood if nothing else. Unfortunately, Petunia didn't seem to feel that connection, preferring to attach herself to people who had nothing to do with the childhood they'd shared.

"How much farther?" Marge said.

"About a mile," Petunia replied. "We're almost there."

Lily leaned her head against the seat, spotting the dilapidated factories in the distance. It had always been a comforting sight, safe and familiar, though it seemed alien to her now. She wouldn't be returning to the sound of her father's laughter, nor the gentle embrace of her mother's arms. There was nothing left for her now but memories, painful reminders of a life that would never be hers again.

"Hmph," Vernon said, jabbing a fat finger at the window. "Looks like we've got a juvenile delinquent lurking about."

Following the direction of his eyes, Lily froze. There was no mistaking that tall, black clad figure, his face obscured by a curtain of dark hair.

"Don't know what he's up to," Marge said, "but it can't be anything good. We should report him to the police."

"For _what?_ " Lily whipped her head around, glaring at them both. "The last time I checked, it was hardly illegal to lean against a stop sign."

"That's not all he's doing," Vernon said. "You can be sure of that. Probably looking for someone to rob, or…"

"Ah," Petunia interrupted, her face flushed with embarrassment. "That boy's an old friend of Lily's. He lives nearby."

Marge narrowed her eyes at Lily. "You're friends with that… that…"

"Miscreant," Vernon finished for her.

Lily opened her mouth, ready to tell them that she hadn't spoken to Severus in well over a year. She couldn't bring herself to do it, however, not wanting to say anything that might confirm their suspicions.

"Yes," she said. "I am."

"Well," Marge replied. "That explains a lot."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Before Marge could respond, Petunia cleared her throat, forcing her thin lips into a smile. "Looks like everyone's here. We'd better get inside."

"What about the dogs?"

Lily cringed as she lifted the charm, though fortunately, the dogs were so eager to get outside that they paid no attention to her. They focused on Marge instead, stopping briefly to gobble treats from her hand before they whined at her to open the door.

"All right, my darlings. There you go."

Quietly, Lily watched them scamper up the driveway, followed by Petunia and the Dursleys. Only then did she exit the car herself, her eyes immediately straying to the stop sign at the corner.

_"You should tie your hair back, Sev. No one can see your face."_

_"Yes, well, that's rather the point."_

_"But why would you want to hide it? You have such nice eyes."_

She remembered him smiling at that, catching a glimpse of curved lips between strands of inky black hair. He even followed her suggestion from time to time… or at least, he had until the day their friendship ended. Since then, he'd gone back into hiding, keeping his face concealed whenever she was around.

But he wasn't hiding from her now. He reached up to smooth his hair back, his hand trembling ever so slightly as he lifted his chin. Their eyes met, his brimming with sympathy as hers filled with tears. In that one glance, she found everything she'd been longing for – compassion, concern, but deeper than that, an entire world that was familiar and safe. Severus knew who her parents had been and what they'd meant to her, understood what she must be feeling better than anyone else could. For the first time since she'd received that phone call, she forgot what it was to feel alone.

She took a step forward, slow and tentative. Another step and she thought she heard him catch his breath, his eyes still fixed on hers.

_"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"_

Cringing, she stopped dead in her tracks. It all came back to her then, childhood memories giving way to the darkness that followed. Severus was in deep now, from what she understood, far deeper than he'd been a couple years before. Lord Voldemort was openly recruiting now, with most of the Slytherins flocking to his cause. Was she stupid enough to believe that Severus could be an exception to the rule? No… not when he spent all his time with _those_ people, as fascinated as ever by the Dark Arts.

Still…

She stared at him for a long moment, rremembering all the good times they'd shared. Had she been too hasty, ending their friendship the way she had? Maybe if she'd given him another chance…

"Lily."

That was all he said, a low pitched murmur that floated to her on the summer wind. She felt her throat tighten, knowing he wouldn't say another word without her invitation. This was _her_ decision, one she knew he'd accept no matter what she chose to do.

But it wasn't that simple, was it? No, she was standing at a crossroads between the past and future, afraid to move forward yet unable to turn back. There was nothing to do but stand there, caught in some strange, alternate reality where time had ceased to exist. She'd never felt so helpless, her body as rigid as a statue as she willed herself to move, to speak, to do _anything_ that might put an end to this awful uncertainty.

Gradually, his expression changed, vulnerability giving way to careful composure. She knew he was bracing himself for disappointment, but how could she make such a huge decision when she couldn't even see what he was feeling? Was he truly sorry? Was there still hope that he could change? Was there even the slightest possibility that he could be part of her past _and_ her future, or was it already too late?

"Sev," she said, her voice emerging as a shaky whisper. He was too far away to hear her, but his attention was fixed on her lips, his eyes widening ever so slightly. For the first time, he was the one who moved closer, taking several halting steps in her direction.

"I'm sorry," he said. "About your parents, I mean. I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

"If there's anything you need…"

"I don't…" She trailed off, shaking her head in an attempt to clear her confusion. "I'm sorry, I can't…"

"Ah, there you are."

Gasping, she whirled around to find herself face to face with Petunia. Her expression was mutinous, though to Lily's surprise, her tone was relatively civil.

"Yes, I was just… getting some fresh air."

'Well, do you think you can wrap it up? I could use some help in there."

Lily nodded, glancing over her shoulder at Severus. He'd retreated back to the corner, his profile obscured by a curtain of hair as he turned his head in the opposite direction. Part of her wanted to go to him, make another attempt to explain herself. The problem was, she still had no idea what to say.

"All right," she told Petunia as she followed her up the driveway. "Just tell me what you need me to do."

"You can start by putting that wand of yours in your room. I won't have you embarrassing me in front of our guests – not after the stunts you pulled earlier."

Petunia narrowed her eyes, obviously bracing herself for an argument. It didn't come. The fact was, Lily was simply too tired, too confused, too grief stricken to object. She did everything that was asked of her, from serving tea to making mindless small talk with people she'd never met. She even went out of her way to be polite to the Dursleys, ignoring their suspicious looks as she served them plate after plate of biscuits.

"That's more like it," Petunia muttered as they passed each other in the kitchen.

Hours later, the guests were gone, leaving the house strangely silent other than the sound of Marge's snores. She'd fallen asleep in Mr. Evans's favorite armchair, her dogs sprawled out on the rug beside her. Vernon wasn't far behind, eyelids drooping as he fiddled with the television remote.

"We have to let them stay," Petunia said. "Wouldn't be right to send them off to a hotel."

Lily hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh. "Fine. Just keep them out of my way, all right?"

With that, she trudged up the stairs, pausing to look outside. There was no sign of Severus, only an empty street and a dull gray sky overhead. She turned away from the window, swallowing her disappointment even as she reminded herself that it was for the best. There was no going back now, no pretending that things between them could ever be the same. All she could do was move on, putting the past behind her as she turned her eyes toward the future.


	2. Lies

##  **Lies**

* * *

Until she boarded the train, Lily had barely thought about her new status as Head Girl. She'd received the badge just two days after she'd lost her parents, glancing at it without a flicker of emotion before she'd tossed it in her trunk.

"Over here, Evans!"

Spotting the badge on James's chest, she suppressed a sigh. Really, it was no surprise that he'd been chosen, though that didn't mean she was looking forward to spending the next few hours in his company. He looked even more smug than usual, flashing her an easy grin as he moved over to make room for her.

"Hi," she said, dropping into the seat beside him.

"Hello yourself. Good summer?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'd rather not talk about it, okay? Let's just… instruct the Prefects or whatever we're supposed to do."

"Okay." Rising to his feet, he cleared his throat as he turned to face the others. "Let me start by congratulating all of you. It's an honor to be made Prefect, though it also carries a great deal of responsibility. Have you read over the guidelines? Good. Make sure you memorize them, and be sure that…"

Lily leaned back in her seat, relieved that he had the situation under control. Needless to say, she'd done nothing to prepare, promising herself that she'd look over her own guidelines as soon as she had the chance.

"I think that's it," James said after a few minutes. "Anything you'd like to say, Evans?"

"No, I think you've got it covered."

He nodded. "In that case…"

"Wait, there _is_ one thing." She paused, looking at each of the students in turn. "You're to hold everyone to the same standard. No playing favorites, not even when it comes to your own house. If we… if _I_ catch you doing this, there _will_ be consequences."

"Agreed," James said. "Now then, I think it's time for your first patrol."

He waited for the others to leave before he turned to Lily, his lips twitching into a smirk.

"Nice little speech there. I suppose that was for my benefit?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

She shrugged. "On whether you needed to hear it."

"Are you suggesting that I'd _abuse_ my power? You wound me, Evans."

"Oh please. You've spent the past six years breaking the rules. Why should this be any different?"

She expected him to laugh, even to look a little smug. Instead, his expression grew serious, his voice subdued.

"Is that really what you think of me? That I'd use my position to mistreat people, or… look, I know I've done stupid things. Gotten carried away with myself, took things too far. But I've gotten better, Lily. I really _have_ been trying…"

"I know you have," she interrupted. "Listen, I didn't mean…"

"Yes, you did. You've always been hard on me, and you know what? I deserved it."

"Well, yeah."

He chuckled. "Not only did I deserve it, but I appreciate what you did. Really, I do."

"Why?"

"Because you challenged me to be something better. Granted, I'm still not perfect, but I've come a long way because of you."

"You shouldn't change for my sake," she said. "You should do it for yourself."

"Oh, I am." He shrugged, smoothing back a lock of messy black hair. "It's time to grow up, don't you think? School is almost over – we've got to start thinking like adults."

"I agree."

They lapsed into silence, no sound to be heard other than the low rumble of the train as it sped down the tracks. James turned his head to stare out the window, his handsome profile illuminated by the setting sun. She'd never seen him so serious and thoughtful, surprised by how curious she was to know what he was thinking.

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you planning to do? I mean, after school lets out."

"I'll be fighting," he said. "I guess we all will. He's not going to win, Lily, not if I have anything to say about it."

"You're such a Gryffindor."

"Likewise… which is why I don't even need to ask about _your_ plans. You'll be right there on the front lines, fighting like hell for what you believe in."

Lily smiled, realizing that she quite liked this side of James. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be paired up with him all year, just the two of them patrolling the halls or managing the Prefects. Who knew? Perhaps they'd even become genuinely good friends.

"Evans?"

"Call me Lily," she said. "I like it better."

"Right. Is there anything else I can do for you, Lily?"

There was something suggestive about the way he said it, something that made her shiver though she didn't know why. She did her best to ignore it, hesitating before she lifted her eyes to his.

"There _is_ one thing you can do."

"Tell me."

"I want you to leave Severus alone this year."

James's entire demeanor changed, his body tensing as he narrowed his eyes. "Oh, no," he said. "Don't tell me you're talking to _him_ again. Do you have any _idea_ …"

"I'm not," she interrupted. "And yes, I'm well aware of what he's been up to. I'd still like you to leave him alone."

" _Why?_ "

"Because," she said quietly. "He was my friend. We might not be friends anymore, but I still care about him. I don't want him getting hurt."

"If the situations were reversed…"

"He'd try to protect me, too. I know he would." She paused. "In fact, I'm pretty sure he already has."

James frowned. "What do you mean?"

"None of the Slytherins have ever given me any trouble. Have you noticed that? I've never had to worry about getting hexed or nasty comments in the halls, or…"

"You think _Snape_ is behind that?" James snorted. "The Slytherins leave you alone because they're afraid of me and Sirius. They know what will happen if they mess with one of ours."

"They weren't afraid to mess with Mary McDonald," she pointed out. "Or Howie Higginbotham, for that matter. I heard he was in the Hospital Wing for _weeks_."

"Isolated incidents. That doesn't mean…"

Lily sighed, holding up a hand to stop him. "I don't want to argue about it, okay? I just want you to leave him alone."

"What if he tries something with us?"

"I don't think that'll happen."

"But what if it does? Would you blame me for defending myself?"

"Of course not. You know that's not what I'm talking about."

Seeming to sense her exasperation, James chose a different approach, his voice more gentle when he spoke again.

"I'll leave him alone," he said. "If it's really what you want, I'll leave him alone. But I'd like you to promise me the same thing."

She frowned. "You want me to…"

"Stay away from him."

It should've been easy to agree. After all, she wasn't friends with Severus anymore, which had been entirely her choice. But for some reason, she hesitated, reluctant to put more bricks in the wall that already stood between them.

"Severus would never hurt me."

"I know you think that," James said. "Who knows? Maybe you're right. But can you say the same for his friends? You know what they are, Lily, what they'd do to you if they thought they could get away with it."

"I know, but he wouldn't let…"

"Maybe not, but he won't be able to control them forever."

"I guess you're right," she said. "It's just hard, you know? We used to be such good friends."

"I know." He reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "But people change, Lily. You can't blame yourself for that."

She nodded, reaching up to wipe a tear from her eye. Only then did she realize that the train was slowing down, gliding to a stop as James rose to his feet.

"Right," he said. "Better get up to the school so we can start abusing our power."

Unable to help herself, she laughed, shaking her head as they joined the other students.

* * *

 

To Lily's surprise, James was true to his word. He never harassed Severus, never so much as glanced in his direction. Not only that, but it seemed that Sirius had decided to leave him alone, too. The Marauders were much more subdued this year, clearly intent on putting their bullying ways behind them.

She didn't know how it happened, but she soon found herself included in their circle. Whether she was in the Great Hall or the common room, walking to class or spending a little time outdoors, she always seemed to have at least one of them at her side. She'd even joined Sirius at Quidditch practice a couple times, both of them cheering for James as he'd chased the Snitch around the field.

"I'm sorry about your parents," James said to her one night as the two of them patrolled the halls.

"How did you know?"

"Remus told me. You're not upset, are you?"

"No, not at all."

"If there's anything we can do, just say the word."

"Thank you."

He nodded. "We're family, you know. We take care of our own."

'I know." She smiled, touched by his efforts to include her. "I'm fine, really."

"Going to Hogsmeade this weekend?"

"Of course."

"Me too." He hesitated, not quite meeting her eyes. "Listen, I was wondering… would you like to go with me?"

"A date?"

"Well, I just thought…"

He trailed off, whipping his head around to glance behind him.

"What was that?" she whispered.

"In there," he said under his breath, pointing at the door to the Arithmency classroom. Nodding, she twisted the knob by slow degrees as both of them drew their wands.

" _Severus?_ "

His head jerked up, his dark eyes widening as they connected with hers. He was perched on an empty desk, his quill hovering over a piece of parchment as he balanced an open book on one knee.

"Snape," James said flatly. "What are you doing in here?"

"I think he's doing homework," she said.

"Homework? Why would he be skulking around in the middle of the night if…"

"The middle of the night?" She rolled her eyes. "It's 10 PM."

Severus remained quiet, giving James a wary look before he returned his attention to Lily. It was to her that he finally spoke, his eyes never leaving hers.

"I was just finishing up some research."

"Why didn't you go to the library?" James said.

Severus ignored him, waiting for Lily to repeat the question before he responded. "The books I needed were in here," he told her. "At any rate, I'm finished now."

With that, he shoved the quill and parchment in his bag, slinging it over one shoulder as he hopped down from the counter. He was halfway across the room before he hesitated, his hand hovering near his wand.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Snape," James said, tucking his own wand back in his sleeve. "But if you don't get back to your common room, we'll have no choice but to report you."

Severus's mouth dropped open, his eyes widening as he stared at his former nemesis. But then just as suddenly, he collected his wits, his face a mask of indifference as he swept out of the room.

"Wow," Lily said as soon as he was gone.

"What?"

"You were so… not _nice_ , exactly, but…"

"Civilized?" James suggested.

She nodded. "I was afraid you might hex him or something."

"I told you I'd leave him alone, didn't I?

"Yeah," she said quietly. "I suppose you did."

The rest of their patrol was uneventful, the two of them chatting about nothing in particular as they ascended the stairs to Gryffindor tower. It was only when they'd reached the common room that James turned to face her, flashing her a little smile.

"Have you thought about it? Hogsmeade, I mean."

She hesitated, remembering how much she'd once despised him. He'd been unbelievably arrogant, not to mention one of the nastiest bullies she'd ever met. Granted, he'd changed a great deal since then, but was that really sincere? Or was it just an act he was putting on for her benefit?

As soon as the thought crossed her mind, she felt guilty for it. Really, what reason did she have to doubt him? He'd done everything in his power to redeem himself, treating everyone around him with more consideration. He'd even given Severus a break, letting him go with nothing more than a warning.

Beyond that… well, she had to admit that he _was_ rather attractive. Would it really be so bad to give him a chance? It was only one date, after all – it wasn't like he'd asked her to marry him.

"Lily?"

"Sure," she said. "I'd love to."

* * *

 

"So," James said, "where would you like to go first?"

"Honeydukes?"

He nodded, taking her hand as he moved to cross the street. It was an innocent gesture, yet she couldn't help but blush, knowing that at least half the school must already be gossiping about them. She felt their scrutiny as she and James browsed the aisles, though he seemed oblivious to the attention they were receiving.

"Right," he said as he helped himself to an impossibly large bag of toffee. "And what will you be having?"

"Oh, I'm not buying anything. Just wanted to have a look around."

He shook his head, grabbing a handful of Fizzing Whizzbees and popping one in his mouth. "You've got to get _something_. It's not a proper trip to Honeydukes if you don't."

"Fine, I guess I'll have a Sugar Quill."

"Come on, we can do better than that. What's your favorite?"

"Chocolate Cauldrons, but I really can't afford…"

Grabbing several boxes, he headed for the register. Before she could stop him, he'd purchased them all, his expression smug as he handed her the package.

"I'll pay you back next week."

He scoffed. "Don't be absurd."

To her chagrin, he didn't stop there. He bought her several useless items at Zonko's, then refused to leave Tomes and Scrolls until she'd picked out a book for herself. By the time they made it to the Three Broomsticks, she knew it was pointless to protest. She let him buy her several rounds of butterbeer, followed by a shot of firewhiskey.

"All right," she said. "I think that's enough."

"Can't keep up?" He tipped back another shot, flashing her a mischievous grin.

"No, I just don't feel the need to show off as much as you do."

His eyes widened, his mouth falling open in mock outrage as laughter erupted from the next table. Glancing over at Remus, Lily grinned, flipping her hair over one shoulder as she returned her attention to her date.

"You think I'm a show off, eh?"

She shrugged. "Well, you _do_ seem to be going out of your way to impress me."

"Is it working?"

He pitched his voice lower, the words like a caress as they reached her ears. Unable to help herself, she shivered, her breath catching in her throat as her eyes met his.

"Could be," she said softly. "Though I'd like…"

"What would you like?"

"I'd like to go somewhere a little more private." As soon as she said it, she blushed, which wasn't helped by a low whistle from the next table. "No, I didn't mean it like that!" she said hastily. "I just want to talk."

"Is _that_ what the kids are calling it these days?"

"Shut up, Sirius," James said as he rose to his feet. Turning to Lily, he flashed her a charming smile. "Shall we?"

They didn't go far. With half a dozen teachers patrolling the village, that was hardly an option. Still, James managed to find them a spot that was reasonably private, perching on a fallen log beneath a towering tree. She settled herself beside him, feeling awkward as she twisted her hands in her lap.

"So," he said. "What would you like to talk about?"

"I don't know, but… well, this _is_ a date."

"Sure is," he agreed.

"And the point of a date is to get to know each other, right?"

"Well, that and sloppy make out sessions."

" _James!_ "

"Don't worry, I won't be trying to ram my tongue down your throat. Not yet, anyway."

She shook her head. "You really are the most…"

"The most charming bloke you've ever met?"

"I was going to say… well, nevermind. Tell me about your parents."

"My _parents?_ Bloody hell, Evans, that's one way to kill the mood."

Despite his sarcasm, James's expression softened. He told her all about his life outside of Hogwarts, his voice full of affection as he described his mother and father. He followed that up with several questions about her own family, his eyes bright with curiosity as she explained what her parents had done for a living.

"What's a psychiatrist?"

"It's a healer of sorts. They help people with mental afflictions. Depression, schizophrenia, you know."

"Skits…" He frowned.

"Schizophrenia. It's a medical term, though I guess in the magical world, you'd just say that the person was cracked. Muggle psychiatrists are pretty good at figuring out what's wrong with their patients – they use medicine and other treatments to make them better."

"That's what your mum did?"

Lily nodded. "It was a perfect job for her. Stressful, maybe, but she loved it."

"She sounds great. Your dad, too. I wish I could've met them."

She didn't know when it had happened, but James was holding her hand again. It felt even better than it had before, his thumb absently stroking the backs of her fingers like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"I wish you could have, too. I think they would've liked you."

"What about your sister?"

She snorted. "Why don't we save Petunia for another time?"

"That bad, eh?"

"You have _no_ idea."

"Probably not." He hesitated, staring off into the distance. "I don't take it for granted, you know."

"What?"

"Having such a good life. I know I've been lucky."

"So have I."

"Yeah, but I've never had to deal with the things you have. Growing up with Muggles, not to mention a sister who… well, I don't know what her problem is, but it doesn't sound good. And then losing your parents…"

"What's wrong with growing up with Muggles?"

"There's nothing wrong with it. I only meant that it has to be harder, not growing up around magic. I'll bet you didn't know the first thing about it until you came to Hogwarts."

She nodded, deciding not to mention all the early lessons she'd received from Severus. "I guess it is harder in some ways, though honestly, I wouldn't know the difference."

"Guess not."

With that, they fell silent, though there was nothing awkward about it. On the contrary, Lily couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so comfortable, closing her eyes as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Lily?"

"Yeah?"

Peering up at his face, she was caught off guard by the look in his eyes. They were darker, more intent, his hand coming up to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?"

"No, but…"

She never got to finish, the words catching in her throat as he brought his lips to hers.

* * *

"Where you going, Snape?"

"Fresh air."

Severus didn't offer any other explanation, pushing away a half empty glass before he got to his feet. He left the others without a backward glance, shielding his eyes as he stepped out into the late October sun.

Absurd, really. He'd waited years for this day, eagerly anticipating the hushed conversation that had just taken place in the Hog's Head. So why did he feel so restless, suddenly desperate to escape?

Touching his arm, he tried to imagine how it would feel to have the brand burned into his skin. Painful, no doubt, though he wasn't afraid of that. It was a small price to pay for the privilege of belonging, even if it meant…

Even if it meant losing Lily?

 _Idiot_. _You've already lost her_.

But was that really true? He'd asked himself that question countless times over the past couple months, haunted by the way she'd looked at him on the day of her parents' funeral. Insane, perhaps, but he could've sworn that she'd been glad to see him. If her wretched sister hadn't interrupted…

The truth was, he didn't _know_ what might've happened. He hadn't seen her for the rest of the summer, hadn't even been near her since they'd returned to Hogwarts.

Then again, that wasn't true either. He'd only been a few feet away from her in the Arithmency classroom, his heart leaping into his throat when he'd spotted her at the door. Of course, that same heart had plummeted when he'd seen who stood behind her.

Scowling, Severus ducked behind the closest building, relieved to discover that he was relatively alone.

Honestly, it was bad enough that Potter had been named Head Boy. Spending hours in Lily's company, patrolling the halls with her each night? Severus would've killed for that privilege, though clearly, it wasn't enough to satisfy precious Potter. He never seemed to leave her alone these days, which also meant she was forced to keep company with his little gang of sycophants.

But that wasn't all. No, the worst part was that she was obviously being deceived.

"I _'m not going to hurt you, Snape_."

Indeed, Potter's little performance must've been for _her_ benefit. Why else had he bothered to restrain himself? He certainly hadn't minded hurting Severus that afternoon, hitting him with a nasty hex that had landed him in the Hospital Wing.

Of course, that was why he'd been forced to do his research after curfew. It was rather difficult to keep up with one's schoolwork when suffering the sting of at least a hundred paper cuts.

What would Lily say if she knew the truth? Would she…

Severus lifted his head, distracted by a rustling noise nearby. A rat scampered across his line of vision, pausing to look at him before it disappeared beneath a pile of trash.

If he'd been in a different mood, he might have exterminated the creature. As it was, he merely wrinkled his nose, deciding to find a more appealing location.

That, he quickly realized, was a mistake.

He spotted them beneath a tree about a dozen yards away, their heads bent close as they gazed into each other's eyes. He tried to look away, but it was no use. All he could do was stare, his stomach twisting in knots as Lily wrapped her arms around Potter's neck.

 _Leave. Bloody hell, just turn around and go_.

When they finally broke apart, he was still frozen in place, wondering why his legs refused to move. And then to his horror, Potter lifted his head, their eyes connecting for an infinitesimal moment.

Potter smirked.

With that, he pressed his lips to Lily's again, pulling her to him in a possessive embrace.

_Leave! Fucking hell, just go!_

Before Severus knew it, he was running, racing through the forest like a pack of werewolves were nipping at his heels. He didn't know where he was going. He wasn't even aware of his surroundings. All he knew was that he had to get away, as if distance alone could blot out the memory of what he'd just seen.

Finally, he was forced to slow down, stumbling over his feet as he plunged through a thicket of trees. He dropped to his knees, panting harshly as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Hello, Snivellus. Fancy meeting you here."

A chill skittered up his spine as he reached for his wand. Unfortunately, it was too late for that. Black had the advantage, whipping off the Invisibility Cloak with a shout of, " _Stupefy_!"

Severus flew backward, gritting his teeth as his body slammed into a tree.

"James will be along shortly," Black said, his tone conversational. "He's just seeing Lily up to the school. They had a lovely date, from what I understand. I think he even managed to steal a kiss or two."

Lifting his head, Severus watched as another figure materialized from behind the trees.

"Peter, why don't you grab Snivellus's wand? We wouldn't want him to try anything stupid."

Clearly, they'd underestimated his aptitude for wandless magic. He waited until Pettigrew moved closer before he whispered a spell, gratified by the shrill scream that echoed through the trees. His wand slipped from Pettigrew's fingers, landing about a dozen feet away.

" _Accio_ …"

"Oh, I don't think so."

Suddenly, there was a third figure, twin jets of light crashing into Severus's back as he tried to push himself to his feet. He hit the ground hard, his rasping breaths echoed by mocking laughter.

"Leave… me… alone."

"Now, Snivellus," said Potter. "Why would we do that?"

" _Accio_ …"

"Nope." Black plucked Severus's wand from the ground, shoving it in his pocket.

"Coward."

"What did you call him?" Potter demanded.

"I called him a coward," Severus said, finally managing to catch his breath. "Though to be fair, I'd say that word applies to all three of you."

He paid for the insult, wincing as he pressed his fingers to the welt on his cheek.

"Not going to fight back?" Potter said. "Who's the coward now?"

"I'm unarmed, not to mention outnumbered. Isn't that always the way of it? One would _almost_ think you were afraid to engage me in a fair fight."

Potter narrowed his eyes. "If you're looking for a duel…"

"Indeed, I am." Severus paused, giving him a contemptuous look. "I'd like to see how far you can get without your friends backing you up."

"Hey, we're calling the shots here," said Black. "You don't get to…"

Potter shook his head, lifting a hand to stop him. "If Snivellus thinks he can beat me, I'll let him have a crack at it. Hell, why not? It's not like he's going to win."

"True," Black agreed as he pulled Severus's wand out of his pocket. "Though it's a bit less fun for the rest of us."

Severus shrugged. "I'll be happy to duel you when I'm finished with him."

"Right. Like there'll be anything left of you after…"

Severus didn't hear the rest. He focused on his wand, relishing the crackle of energy as he grasped the familiar length of wood. It occurred to him that he could strike without warning, though ultimately, he decided against it. Foolish or not, he couldn't resist the temptation of a fair fight, needing to prove beyond all doubt that his skills were indeed superior.

He could see that desire reflected in Potter, their eyes already locked in combat as they moved into position.

"On three," Black said. "One, two…"

He blocked the first spell, though his Stunner missed Potter by several inches. Suddenly, they were fighting in earnest, jets of light crashing into the nearby trees as they swerved to avoid them. Potter managed to land the first hit, though Severus barely felt it, his breath coming faster as he sliced his wand through the air.

" _Oppugno!_ "

Half a dozen crows appeared, causing Potter to yelp in alarm as they tore at his clothes and hair. They obstructed his vision, too, his next spell missing Severus by at least a dozen feet before it slammed into Pettigrew. Severus heard the scream, though he didn't allow it to distract him. He was in control now, bringing Potter to his knees with a flick of his wand.

With that, he Vanished the birds, his hand twitching as he contemplated his next move. It was tempting, so very tempting, to cast something dark, a spell so savage that it would land Potter in the Hospital Wing for at least a week. Alas, that would defeat the purpose of this little exercise, giving the others an excuse to say that he cheated.

" _Expelliarmus._ "

The spell knocked the wand from Potter's hand, landing him flat on his back.

"I believe," Severus said as he lowered his wand, "that makes me the winn…"

He should've seen it coming. Indeed, he should've known better than to expect a fair fight. As it was, he only had a split second to react.

" _Mastigatus!_ "

Several branches split from the trees, thrashing his opponents as they howled in protest. Unfortunately, he didn't have time to enjoy the spectacle, his body hurled backward by a trio of Stunners. He lay there panting, his vision growing dark around the edges as he mumbled a final spell.

" _Protego._ "


	3. Scars

##  **Scars**

* * *

Severus opened his eyes, blinking furiously as he fumbled in his pockets. He checked both of his sleeves before he reached for the bedside table, bewildered by the crunch of fallen leaves between his fingers.

" _Accio_ wand?"

He heard a rustling sound, sighing in relief as the familiar length of wood landed in his palm.

" _Lumos_."

Towering trees loomed overhead, the meager light from his wand casting shadows across the forest floor. He shivered as a gust of wind whistled through the branches, sharp and strangely hollow, echoed by the screech of a nearby owl.

He didn't know where he was. Didn't know how he'd gotten there. Only when he attempted to sit up did it come back to him, his body aching in protest as he lowered himself back to the ground.

James Bloody Potter. Sirius Fucking Black. _Of course_. They'd followed him into the trees, choosing to ambush him at a particularly vulnerable moment. After he'd seen Potter kiss Lily…

He groaned, picturing it all over again as he pushed himself up on his arms. And then he groaned for another reason entirely, realizing he had several broken bones. Somehow, he managed to drag himself to the base of the nearest tree, leaning heavily against the trunk as he attempted to heal himself.

It didn't work.

He gave his wand another flick, though it was a useless effort. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't maintain the focus he needed to perform the spells.

Blood loss? That seemed like the most likely culprit. He had several deep gashes on his legs and torso, one of which was still bleeding. Ripping off a strip of his coat, he applied pressure to the wound, using his other hand to reach in his pocket. He withdrew several tiny flasks, downing a few drops of Blood Replenisher.

Feeling a bit stronger, he mended his broken bones, stifling his moans as he did so. Scrapes, bruises, burns, abrasions… it took him more than an hour to patch himself up, an effort that left him trembling with exhaustion.

Finally, he lay back down, realizing he needed a few more minutes to recuperate. He closed his eyes, still haunted by images that seemed much more painful than his injuries. Lily… Lily kissing Potter… Potter running his hands all over her like she was one of his many possessions. Just the memory of it was sickening, not helped by what he believed to be a mild concussion.

"Fuck."

His stomach lurched, his half healed ribs throbbing as he vomited into a pile of leaves. He couldn't seem to stop it, one excruciating spasm swiftly followed by another until finally, his body went limp. 

By that point, he didn't care that he was crying. Didn't care if he lived or died, really. He curled into a fetal position, shivering in the darkness as he wondered what he'd done to deserve such a miserable life.

* * *

"I can't _believe_ he did this to you."

Lily shook her head, staring at the nasty cut on James's cheek. To think that she'd asked him to leave Severus alone, assuming that would be the end of any conflict between them. How could she have been so stupid?

"It's all right. Nothing Madam Pomfrey can't fix."

"I still don't understand what happened. Was he alone?"

"Honestly?" James sighed. "I don't know. After I walked you up to Hogwarts, I went back to find Sirius. Didn't see him right away, so I decided to wait for him behind Honeyduke's. The next thing I knew, someone hit me with a Blinding Hex. Not a strong one, thankfully, but enough to block out my vision for several minutes. Then I… well, I guess he _couldn't_ have been alone. I felt several spells hit me at once, right before I lost consciousness."

"But how do you know it was Severus? I mean, if you couldn't _see_ …"

"I might not have seen him, but I heard him. Can't mistake that voice for anyone else's."

She nodded, conceding the point. "What did he say?"

"I… it doesn't matter."

"Like hell it doesn't. Tell me what he said."

"All right." James hesitated, lowering his voice before he continued. "He said it was only a matter of time before you forgave him. Said he wouldn't let you anywhere near me once he had you back."

"Wouldn't _let_ me?!" She scowled, remembering the last time Severus had dared to use that word with her. "That's _my_ choice, not his!"

"I know," James said. "Anyway, I'm just glad Sirius showed up when he did. I hate to admit it, but I was completely helpless."

"That's nothing to be ashamed of. It wasn't your fault."

"I don't know, Lily. Maybe it was."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, if I hadn't been such a prat in my earlier years, maybe I wouldn't have been such a target."

"Oh please. You know how the Slytherins are. They'll attack anyone who seems vulnerable, whether or not they've done anything to provoke them. Do you think Mary MacDonald deserved to be cursed? Or Howie Higginbotham?"

"No, I guess not."

"Exactly."

Before James could say anything else, Madame Pomfrey pushed the curtain aside. She gave him a dose of pain reliever before she glanced at Lily, followed by a pointed glance at the door.

"Can I just have a minute to say good night?"

"Fine, but make it quick."

Once Madame Pomfrey was gone, James let out a dramatic sigh, his lips twitching as he flung his arms over his head.

"If you want to take advantage of me, now's your chance. I'm afraid I don't have the strength to fight you off."

She shook her head, stifling a giggle. "Just a kiss goodnight, I promise."

"All right, though do be gentle. I'm an injured man."

Smiling, she leaned over the bed, pressing her lips to his. She left him soon thereafter, tucking the blankets around him before she stepped out into the hallway. Expecting it to be deserted, she was surprised to see a dark clad figure emerge from around the corner.

"Severus?"

He stopped in his tracks, his eyes fixed on hers.

"I want to talk to you," she said, grabbing him by the sleeve of his robe. " _Now_."

He didn't resist, not even when she pushed him against the wall. He _did_ wince, however, which seemed a bit excessive. Was he hurt? She felt a brief flicker of concern, though that was quickly forgotten when she remembered James's injuries.

"Why, Severus? Why did you do it?"

"I…" He trailed off, his expression wary. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"Oh, don't play the innocent with me. You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about!"

"If you're referring to the incident with Potter…"

" _Incident?_ " She stared at him incredulously. "You _ambushed_ him!"

"Is that what he told you? Well, I'm afraid it was the other way around."

"Then why is _he_ the one lying in the Hospital Wing?"

"I healed myself."

She shook her head. "You don't know how to heal, Severus. All you ever do is destroy."

He jerked his face away, his expression shielded by a curtain of hair. Even his body recoiled, increasing the distance between them as he spoke in a low, trembling voice.

"If that's what you think of me…"

"What else am I supposed to think?"

"Oh, I don't know," he said bitterly. "Give me the benefit of the doubt, perhaps?"

"I _have_ , Severus. I gave you the benefit of the doubt for _years_. And where did that get me? You just kept hanging around with those terrible people, messing with the Dark Arts and Merlin knows what else. Then you called me that awful name…"

"I _told_ you I was sorry for that."

"Yes, but the rest of it didn't change, did it? You _still_ …"

"Mr. Snape!"

They both turned their heads to see Professor McGonagall striding down the hall. Her expression was sterner than Lily had ever seen it, steel gray eyes fixed on Severus.

"Give me one reason," she said as she drew closer, "why I shouldn't expel you."

"Because I haven't…" Severus hesitated, muttering something under his breath. "Expel me if you wish. I really don't care."

"I'm sure that's what you'd like everyone to think. Do you know what _I_ think, Mr. Snape?"

"No."

"I think you _do_ care. That's why I'm not going to expel you, at least for the time being."

Severus closed his eyes, sighing in apparent relief. It was a strange reaction, one Lily wouldn't have expected. Was he really that concerned about his schooling? She'd assumed he couldn't wait to leave Hogwarts, as eager as his friends to become one of Lord Voldemort's followers.

"You will be serving detention, however," Professor McGonagall continued. "8 PM on Saturdays."

"How many…"

"Until the end of the school year. Oh, and I'm taking 75 points from Slytherin."

"75?!"

"50 points for your assault on James Potter. 25 points for your late return."

"I couldn't _help_ being late! I was…" Severus sighed, giving his head a little shake. "Fine. Can I go now?"

"If you'll agree to my final stipulation."

"What's that?"

"You will apologize to Mr. Potter."

"No."

Professor McGonagall narrowed her eyes. "This isn't optional."

"And yet I still have the ability to refuse." Severus, who'd seemed defeated just a moment before, now stood defiant. "I will _not_ apologize. Not to _him_. Punish me, torture me, kill me outright, I don't care. I'd rather die than…"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic."

They glared at each other, seeming to have forgotten Lily's presence. She took advantage of the lull in their conversation, placing a hand on Severus's arm.

"Why don't you just apologize? I know you don't like James, but what you did was wrong. Can't you see that?"

" _I didn't do anything wrong!_ He's the one who started it, he…"

"Don't you want this to end? This rivalry between you, this feud, whatever it is. Wouldn't it be easier if all of you could just let it go?"

"Yes, but…"

"Well," she interrupted, keeping her voice gentle. "That has to start somewhere. Apologize to him, please. Maybe it will help."

For a long moment, Severus didn't speak. He llifted his eyes to the wall, his features twisting with a dozen conflicting emotions. And then finally, he met her eyes again, his expression filled with what seemed like genuine regret.

"I can't do it," he said quietly. "Not even for you."

"Bloody hell, Severus! Why can't you just…"

He shook his head. "I might have been willing to apologize for this afternoon, disregarding the fact that I did nothing to provoke it. But what he's doing to you? I will never, _ever_ forgive him for that. That's why I cannot, _will not_ …"

"What he's doing to _me?_ "

"He's deceiving you, Lily. He's manipulating you and you can't even see it. You have no _idea_ …"

"What are you _talking_ about? He hasn't _done_ anything…"

"It's late," Professor McGonagall interrupted. "Time for both of you to get back to your common rooms. Oh, and Mr. Snape? If you refuse to apologize, then you'll be serving double detentions. Saturdays and Sundays from now until the end of the school year."

"I'll see you on Saturday, then," he snapped. "Sunday, too."

With that, he shook his head, muttering under his breath as he stalked away.

Professor McGonagall waited for him to disappear, seeming more relaxed as she turned her attention to Lily.

"May I give you a bit of advice?"

"Um, sure."

"Be careful with him."

"Severus?"

Professor McGonagall nodded. "I try not to meddle in the personal lives of my students, but I can't pretend I'm not concerned. I know the two of you used to be close."

"We aren't anymore."

"Yes, well, I don't think he's too happy about your estrangement. He'd be willing to say just about anything to get back in your good graces, I'm sure."

"So you don't think it's possible that James attacked him first?"

"It seems highly unlikely. Only one of them has cause to be jealous, after all, and it isn't Mr. Potter."

Lily nodded. "I _have_ been spending a lot of time with James lately."

"And none with Mr. Snape. It's certainly possible, _probable_ even, that he decided to lash out. The trip to Hogsmeade would've been a perfect opportunity to do so."

"But the way he talked about it…" She trailed off, recalling the conversation she'd just had with Severus. True, he'd claimed that it had been James who'd ambushed him, but he hadn't tried that hard to convince her. It was as if he'd already given up, like he knew she wouldn't believe him no matter what he said.

"He tried to make you feel sorry for him," Professor McGonagall finished for her. "He does that with me, too, though I never fall for it. It's manipulation, plain and simple."

"He said that _James_ was the one who was trying to manipulate me."

"You don't believe that, do you?"

Lily hesitated, remembering the bitterness in Severus's voice when he spoke. Was it really all an act? Part of her still wanted to believe him, yet she couldn't ignore the memory of James lying in that hospital bed. James, who had no reason to lie to her, who'd certainly had no reason to lash out at Severus. Really, why would he have done such a thing? Severus was no threat to him.

"No," she finally responded, her voice quiet. "I guess not."

* * *

Over the next couple months, Severus's life went from bad to worse. Potter and Black tormented him daily, newly emboldened by the incident in the forest. And why _wouldn't_ they feel confident? Without any threat of punishment, they had nothing to lose. 

Naturally, they never challenged him to a fair fight. They'd learned that lesson the hard way. Instead, they did their best to catch him unawares, relying on Potter's invisibility cloak to conceal their location. He could hardly walk through the halls now without getting hit by some nasty hex, unable to defend himself against assailants who refused to show their faces. 

Cowards.

Meanwhile, Lily remained ignorant of their actions. Potter acted like a bloody saint whenever she was around, relying on his friends to do his dirty work. It didn't help that he'd continued to paint Severus as the villain, blaming him for numerous things he hadn't even done. 25 points from Slytherin for a Stinging Jinx he hadn't cast. 50 points for destroying Potter's Transfiguration textbook, ignoring the fact that he'd been asleep when the incident had occurred.

Severus could handle the punishments. Lily's accusatory glares? Those were more difficult to tolerate, though it seemed he had little choice in the matter. 

Still, he found ways of striking back. He'd put Black in the Hospital Wing twice last week, and the vomit inducer he'd slipped into Potter's pumpkin juice had been particularly entertaining. Granted, he hadn't meant for Lily to have to deal with the results, but ruining one of their endless snogging sessions? He couldn't be sorry for that.

"Keep scrubbing. I want you gone by midnight."

Severus jerked his head, pouring more cleanser on the floor. He shifted back to his hands and knees, scrubbing furiously at a spot that had probably been there for centuries.

Filch grunted. "That's more like it."

The detentions weren't a bright spot in his life either, but he could tolerate working for Filch. What troubled him was the reason behind it, the fact that (as usual) he'd been forced to play the scapegoat. No one cared about his side of the story. They wouldn't have believed him even if they'd chosen to hear him out. The teachers had treated him that way for years, of course, but Lily…

The irony was, he'd never lied to her. He'd always told her the truth, whether it benefited him or not. She'd known who his friends were, had been well aware of his interest in the Dark Arts, regardless of her disapproval. He'd _never_ attempted to mislead her, even on the night she'd ended their friendship.

_"You see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"_

One little lie. Just one little lie, and he could've earned her forgiveness. Instead, he'd let her come to her own conclusions, damning himself in the process.

Why?

He'd asked himself that question countless times, though the answer was always the same. He loved her too much to deceive her. He couldn't pretend to be anything other than what he was, even if that led to her rejection. The choice had always been hers – he couldn't bear the thought of keeping her around under false pretenses.

Severus scowled, pouring more cleanser on the floor before he resumed scrubbing. Fucking Potter. _Lily_ and Potter. Everything about their relationship made him sick, but the worst part, the absolute _worst_ …

_"You ambushed him!"_

_"Is that what he told you? Well, I'm afraid it was the other way around."_

_"Then why is he the one lying in the Hospital Wing?"_

Potter was a bloody liar. A deceitful, manipulative piece of shit. Trying so hard to be honest, only to lose Lily to someone like _him?_ It was beyond insulting. Intolerable. He couldn't _believe_ …

"Good enough for now. Get out of here."

Severus sat up, surprised to see that the floor was spotless. Despite his bloody knuckles, he felt a tiny bit better, relieved to have found an outlet for his frustrations. 

He headed downstairs, wondering what time it was as he hurried along the deserted hallway. Perhaps he could finish that Charms essay before he…

" _Stupefy!_ "

Two jets of light hit him in the chest, leaving him no chance to reach for his wand. Not that it would've done him any good. He hit the ground with an excruciating thud, horrified as he recognized the effects of the second spell. He couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't even turn his head to see who'd attacked him. All he could do was lay there, rigid and helpless, his eyes darting around frantically as he realized what was happening.

First, they removed his robes, followed by his boots and trousers. His shirt came off next, scraps of shredded fabric floating in the air like snowflakes. They even got rid of his socks, chuckling softly as they did so.

"Go ahead, Padfoot. _Do it_."

"If you insist."

Severus cringed as his underpants disappeared, his bare backside pressed against the cold stone floor. He'd never felt more vulnerable, more exposed, dreading what might happen next. They could do anything they wanted. What could he do to stop them?

"Look how small it is."

"Sad little thing," Black agreed. "Think he's ever used it on anyone?"

"Are you kidding? Who the hell would shag someone like him?"

"Good point."

Inwardly, Severus scowled, fear momentarily replaced by injured pride. _Small?_ Hardly. Between a complete lack of arousal and the bitter cold, it was only to be expected that…

Potter moved closer, his shadow darkening Severus's line of vision.

"Well, since he obviously doesn't need it, maybe we should cut it off."

Fear returned with a vengeance, an icy trickle of sweat creeping down Severus's neck as Potter poked him with the tip of his wand. He wouldn't… would he? Surely there were some things even the precious Marauders couldn't get away with.

"Nah," Black said. "I've got a better idea."

He whispered something to Potter, though the words were too low to overhear. Potter laughed in response to whatever he said, murmuring in agreement.

" _Reducio!_ "

A shrinking charm? Comparatively speaking, that wasn't so bad. Humiliating, yes, but if that was the worst they could do…

"Ready?"

Severus wasn't prepared for what happened next. He heard a rustle of fabric, followed by something warm and wet hitting his chest, his stomach, soaking his face and hair. He tried in vain to turn away, gagging as the pungent odor of urine invaded his nostrils.

"All right, Snivellus," Potter said as his voice faded into the distance. "Sleep well."

Until that moment, Severus hadn't decided to become a Death Eater. Oh, he'd thought about it, but there'd always been some niggling doubt in the back of his mind, urging him to proceed with caution. But as he lay there naked and helpless, unable to even shiver in response to the frigid night air, those doubts were finally put to rest.

* * *

Professor Flitwick found Severus the next morning, though he wasn't spared the humiliation of at least a dozen students peering at him over the tiny wizard's head. Flitwick shooed them away, canceling the Petrificus spell with a flick of his wand. He cast a Warming Charm, draping his cloak over Severus's lap.

"My word, Severus! Who did this to you?"

Potter and Black chose that exact moment to walk by, their expressions smug as they stared down at him. Lily was right behind them, though she at least had enough consideration to turn around, affording him some small measure of privacy.

His first instinct was to call them out. Indeed, he wanted nothing more than to tell Flitwick exactly what they'd done. But would it do any good? Of course not. Despicable though they were, neither Potter or Black were stupid. They would've never struck out at him unless they were sure they could get away with it. 

No. He refused to give them the satisfaction. Pleading for justice, only to be denied? He'd been humiliated enough.

"I don't know who did it," he finally said, his voice raspy from lack of use. "I never saw them."

* * *

Severus didn't take the Hogwarts Express when he left for winter break. With his 18th birthday just a few weeks away, he was of age now, old enough to use the Apparition point beyond the front gate.

Hesitating, he reached in the pocket of his traveling cloak. Withdrawing a roll of parchment, he unfurled it, staring down at several lines of neat script.

_Severus Snape,_   
_I understand that you, a wizard of considerable talent and alacrity, have shown interest in joining our cause. If this is still the case, report to 114 Wiltshire Dr. in Newcastle, England at 8 PM on December 16 for further consultation._

Tucking the message away, he closed his eyes, turning in a slow circle as he focused on his destination. It turned out to be a derelict old house, leaving him to wonder if he'd gotten the location wrong. He thought about making another attempt, but then a hooded figure slipped out of the shadows, approaching him with slow, measured footsteps.

"Severus Snape?"

"Yes."

"Good, very good. Come with me."

The interior of the house looked no better than the outside, full of dust and cobwebs and broken down furniture. What was going on? Surely the Dark Lord would never inhabit a place like this. 

"Put these on."

Despite his uneasiness, Severus did as he was told. He exchanged his cloak for the heavy brown one, covering his head with the tattered hood.

"I thought Death Eaters wore…"

"You're not a Death Eater yet. Come."

Obediently, he followed the hooded figure, slipping behind a rickety old bookcase. He descended the steps that lay on the other side, gasping as he observed his new surroundings.

It was the most elegant room he'd ever seen, dozens of torches reflecting off the gilded walls. The floor was crafted from black marble, antique furniture of velvet and mahogany scattered throughout. He imagined this was what a royal reception hall would look like, and indeed, there was a fair amount of truth to that impression. At the other end f the room stood a raised dais, in the middle of which sat an intricately carved chair. 

Severus stopped in his tracks, his eyes widening. He took a deep breath, his heart pounding furiously as the Dark Lord beckoned him forward with a pale, slim hand.

"Go on," the wizard beside him whispered. "There's no need to be afraid."

"I'm not afraid," he said, and indeed, he wasn't. He moved forward without hesitation, his footsteps echoing in the otherwise silent hall.

"Severus Snape," Voldemort said when he drew near. "Come, sit beside me."

"My lord, I'm not worthy of the honor."

His behavior was met with a hiss of approval, followed by a satisfied nod.

"There's no need to stand on ceremony, Severus. Not tonight. I simply wish to make your acquaintance."

The next thing he knew, he was seated beside the Dark Lord, holding a glass of the finest elf made wine he'd ever tasted. The wizard who'd escorted him retreated to the opposite side of the room, seeming to obey some unspoken request for privacy.

"Now, why don't you tell me why you came here?"

"I received your invitation, my lord."

"That isn't what I mean."

Severus hesitated. "I came because I'm sympathetic to your cause. Like you, I believe…"

"No," Voldemort interrupted. "That isn't the answer I'm looking for. Why are you here?"

"Because I'm tired of my insignificance. Tired of feeling powerless. I am tired of wanting things that cannot possibly be mine. I'm tired of knowing that no matter what I do…"

"Yes?" the Dark Lord prompted when he trailed off.

"I'm _tired_ ," he repeated. "Tired of feeling less than. Unworthy. Tired of others looking down on me, assuming they can treat me like rubbish."

"And why should anyone look down on you? You've barely reached your majority, yet you're already exceptionally skilled. From what I understand, you possess more knowledge about the Dark Arts than wizards four times your age, not to mention your considerable talent with potions."

"How do you know…"

"I've been watching you for years, Severus, marveling over your potential."

"T-thank you, my lord." Severus stared at him, stunned, hardly able to believe that anyone could find him so valuable. To merit such close scrutiny…

"Now, I'll ask you one more time. _Why are you here?_ "

"Because I want to explore my full potential. I want to draw upon my talents, use them to create a world where those talents are valued and respected. I want to be confident in my power, to know that no one can look down on me for who I am. I want my enemies…"

"Your enemies," Voldemort repeated, lingering over the words like a caress. "What do you want from your enemies?"

Severus couldn't help but picture the Marauders, recalling countless injustices he'd suffered at their hands. It hadn't been so bad when he'd had the option of striking back, but all those times they'd rendered him helpless? They'd stripped away his dignity, treating him as something less than human.

"I want them to respect my power," he said quietly. "I want them to fear it. I want them to think twice before they strike out against me, knowing that the consequences will be severe if they ever choose to do so."

Voldemort nodded. "If that is what you want, then that is what you shall have. And I will be the one to give it to you."

"I… I don't know what to say."

"We are a family, Severus. We take care of our own. Join our cause and you will earn the respect you desire. You'll be supported in your ambitions, granted protection, valued for your contributions. All I ask in return is your loyalty."

"My lord." Severus dropped from his chair, kneeling at the Dark Lord's feet. "It is yours."

"Well then, are you ready to take the Mark?"

"Please."

Severus bared his forearm, bracing himself for the pain. It was pure agony, though he managed to remain silent, gritting his teeth as his nerve endings caught fire. And then just as suddenly, the pain was gone. He opened his eyes, staring in wonder at the intricate brand that had been etched into his skin.

"With this mark, I proclaim you one of ours," Voldemort said, his eyes glittering beneath the torchlight. "From now until your final breath, your allegiance lies with me."

"My lord, I commit myself to your service."


	4. Doubts

**Author's Note** : _This chapter includes brief graphic violence and references to sexual assault. No main characters are involved in the latter._

##  **Doubts**

* * *

Lily followed James across the Hogwarts grounds, stopping at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. The trees along the perimeter grew in thick clusters, shielding them from view as they settled themselves on the grass.

"Two more weeks," he said. "Can you believe it?"

"I've been trying not to think about it too much."

"Oh, come on. You don't want to stay in school, do you?"

"It isn't that. I just…"

She trailed off, not knowing how to explain herself. How could James understand what it felt like to be without a home? That was the reality she'd lived with since Petunia had sold off their parents' house, sending her only a tiny fraction of the profits.

_We went far below market price to ensure a quick sale, and of course, we had burial expenses to cover. You understand._

Had Petunia been telling the truth? Lily couldn't bring herself to care either way. All she knew was that she had little money and even fewer options.

"Not sure what you want to do yet?"

She nodded. "Something like that."

"Well, my offer still stands."

"Moving in with you?"

"Why not? It's the perfect solution."

"We've only been together for seven months," she pointed out. "Don't you think it's a little soon?"

"Too soon for what? I didn't know there was a time limit on these things."

"There's not, but we don't have to rush into anything. I could always rent a little flat. I've got enough to cover rent and necessities for a month or two, which would give me time to find a job."

"A _job?_ Lily, I don't want you working."

"You don't _want_ …" She narrowed her eyes into slits. "If this is some chauvinistic…"

"Not at all!" he said hastily. "I'm just worried about your safety. You know what they did to those Muggleborn shopkeepers. They've got spies all over Diagon Alley, and I swear I saw a couple in Hogsmeade the last time we were there."

"I could get a Muggle job."

"Don't you need training for that?"

"For some jobs, yes, but I…" She trailed off, realizing that her Muggle education was terribly insufficient. Who'd want to hire a teenager who'd only completed primary school?

"You'd end up with some terrible job that pays next to nothing," James said. "Anyway, this isn't the time to worry about money."

She snorted. "That's easy for _you_ to say. Some of us don't have the luxury…"

"You will if you move in with me. Safe place to live, all your needs taken care of? Pretty good deal if you ask me."

"I know, but I don't want to be dependent on anyone. I'd like to take care of myself."

"Understandable," he said. "Admirable, even. But we're in the middle of a war, Lily. Why spend your time slaving away at some meaningless job when you're needed for more important things?"

"The Order?"

"Of course."

"James, we haven't even been recruited."

"Not yet, but we will. I know we will." He brought a hand to her face, caressing her cheek with his thumb. "And when that time comes, I want us to fight together. Don't you want that, too?"

"You know I do."

"Then why don't you move in with me? It's the best solution, at least for now. Everything else can be sorted later."

She opened her mouth and then closed it again, knowing he was right. She couldn't give the war her full attention if she had to worry about searching for employment, finding a place to live, working day and night just to pay for food and shelter. True, she liked the idea of providing for herself, but right now, she had other priorities. 

"Okay," she said. "Let's do it."

"Really?"

She nodded.

"Brilliant!" He pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly. "Anyway, if you don't like living with me, you can always move out. It's not like I'm going to tie you up and keep you there."

She tilted her head back, flashing him a mischievous grin. "What if I _want_ you to tie me up?"

"Hmmm, well, maybe if you ask nicely…"

He trailed off, lowering his mouth to hers. As usual, his kisses were gentle, restrained, his lips remaining closed until she urged them to open. He didn't resist as she deepened the kiss, but he kept his hands on her back, her shoulders, never attempting to touch her anywhere else.

When they'd first gotten together, she'd appreciated his restraint. Now it left her feeling frustrated, longing for things she couldn't bring herself to say aloud. She tried to show him instead, moaning softly as she pressed herself against him.

He didn't respond… at least, not in the way she'd hoped he would. He just went on kissing her, burying his fingers in her hair.

_"When it comes to boys, you have to be blunt. They're not good at picking up on hints."_

She couldn't remember who'd told her that, but it seemed like sound advice. Hesitantly, she lowered her hand to James's lap, rubbing him through the fabric of his robes.

"Lily, we can't."

"Why not?"

He shook his head, putting a little distance between them. "Someone might see."

"You have the Invisibility Cloak, don't you? We can use that to cover ourselves."

"Yeah, I guess we could, but… _bloody hell!_ "

"What's wrong?"

"Sirius," he said as he scrambled to his feet. "Told him to meet me at the Quidditch pitch an hour ago. I'll… um, I'll see you at dinner, all right?"

"Sure."

This wasn't the first time her attempts to get closer to him had failed. If his friends didn't interrupt, he had an assignment to finish. If homework was done, he had to attend an unplanned Quidditch practice. There was always some teacher who needed to see him, some book he'd left in the Transfiguration classroom, _some_ reason why he couldn't be alone with her for more than a few minutes at a time. 

She sighed, resisting the urge to cry as she watched him hurry away. What was she doing wrong? Was she being too pushy? Maybe so, but she'd waited months for him to make the first move. He hadn't.

_"I can't believe you're dating James Potter. He's so dreamy."_

" _Yeah, I bet he's a great shag._ "

" _I wouldn't know,_ " she'd told the pair of sixth years. " _We haven't…_ "

" _You're holding out on him? Wow._ "

" _Don't know how you do it,_ " the other girl said. " _I would've dropped my knickers the first time he kissed me_."

Naturally, they'd assumed the reluctance was on _her_ side. Wasn't that the way it usually was with teenage boys? She'd heard the gossip in the common room, eavesdropped on her classmates as they whispered at breakfast. From what she understood, it was the boys who couldn't wait to have sex, while the girls…

" _Don't know why I bother wearing these things,_ " Mary McDonald had said as she'd put on her bra that morning. " _He's already ripped two of them trying to get them off_."

" _Well, at least he takes the time to undress you. Mine just hikes up my robe and has his way with me._ "

 _"Oh, so_ that's _how your knickers wound up in the Charms classroom."_

" _Yep. Had to make a run for it when we heard Flitwick coming._ "

The girls liked it, too. That much was obvious, despite their mock exasperation. They blushed and they giggled, confident in their desirability. And why _wouldn't_ they be? Their boyfriends were insatiable, always looking for any opportunity to shag.

Meanwhile, James stuck to his chaste kisses, never even attempting to put his hands under Lily's robes. Was it any wonder she felt insecure? She wished she could talk to someone about her feelings, but what could she say? "I'm afraid my boyfriend isn't attracted to me?"

No, that was too embarrassing. Besides, it didn't make sense. Why would James be in a relationship with her if he didn't find her attractive? Why would he have asked her to move in with him? Surely he wouldn't have done that if he didn't want to sleep with her. Living together meant…

It meant they'd have privacy. They'd be able to have sex in their own bed, not up against the wall in some dusty corridor. They wouldn't have to worry about getting caught, constantly looking over their shoulders as they hurried to finish. No risk of embarrassment, no need to worry about detentions or loss of House Points.

Could that be it? Was James just waiting until circumstances were more ideal? Maybe he wanted their first time to be romantic, like the flowers he'd given her for Valentine's Day.

The more Lily thought about it, the more this theory made sense. James was interested in much more than a quick shag, after all. What he wanted was a life, a future that the two of them could share. He'd made that clear when he'd practically begged her to move in with him, promising her safety and comfort. He wouldn't have done that, unless…

Unless he loved her.

That was the difference, she realized. True, he'd never said those words aloud, but his actions told her everything she needed to know. Why had she ever doubted him?

No, there was no harm in waiting. In just two more weeks, she'd have him all to herself. There'd be no more excuses, no distractions, no need to constantly compete with his friends for his attention. _That_ would be the right time to take their relationship further. She'd be able to spend as much time with him as she wanted, finally getting to know him in ways that had never been possible at Hogwarts. 

"Two more weeks," she whispered, smiling to herself as she wandered back up to the school.

* * *

Severus lowered his hood, wand clutched tightly as he moved out of the shadows. Two figures materialized on either side of him, one quite tall while the other was relatively petite. Female? Perhaps, though it really didn't matter unless…

Unless it was Lily.

 _Lily in Death Eater robes?_ A few months ago, the idea would've been absurd. She'd despised the Dark Lord and everything he stood for. Of course, she couldn't have known that Voldemort was hardly the tyrant the Wizarding world believed him to be. He was generous, even kind to his followers, never one to strike out indiscriminately. True, a handful of Muggleborns had been killed over the past few months, but only those who posed a direct threat.

"Our raid on Diagon Alley was a success. The Mudblood shopkeepers have been disposed of."

"What did they do, my lord?"

"They poisoned one of our own."

"How?"

"He tried to purchase Dreamless Sleep, not realizing they'd replaced it with something far more noxious. It's a good thing you had us well supplied with antidotes – otherwise, he'd be dead now."

"I'm glad I could be of service, my lord."

"Do you see, Severus? This is why it is so important to keep our bloodlines pure. Too many Mudbloods are horrendously flawed, unworthy of the world we're trying to create. Their magic is weaker, their morality easily corrupted. That is the price of having not just one but two Muggle parents."

"My lord, I agree, though I do wonder…"

"Yes?"

"Could there be any exceptions?"

Voldemort hesitated. "Well, I suppose there are always exceptions. If a Mudblood was suitably talented, fully committed to our cause? I might permit them to join our ranks."

Severus had seized the opportunity he'd been given, telling the Dark Lord all about Lily. He'd emphasized her considerable talent with charms, explaining that her skill with potions was equal to his own. The latter was a slight exaggeration, but Voldemort didn't need to know that. If he just gave her a chance, surely he'd realize how exceptional she was.

"She's also a capable duelist, my lord. There are few who can beat her, even among Purebloods."

"Impressive," Voldemort said. "And she's a friend of yours?"

"She is… someone I value."

"Someone you desire?"

Severus hadn't responded, though of course, there was no need to. Voldemort had already come to his own conclusions, nodding slightly as he'd leaned back in his chair.

"Well, Severus, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to make her an offer. If she's as powerful as you claim, we could certainly use her talents."

Had Lily accepted the offer? He couldn't be sure, though he chose to be optimistic. If she'd just agreed to one meeting with the Dark Lord, she would've seen that she had nothing to fear from him. True, she was impossibly stubborn, but if anyone could inspire a change of heart, it was Voldemort. 

Severus came back to the present, realizing that the smaller figure couldn't possibly be Lily. There was no grace to her movements, her wand slicing savagely as she blasted the door apart.

"Oh, goody," she said, seeming to relish the sound of Muggle screams. "Time to play!"

Severus had assumed the deaths would be quick and painless. Instead, the young couple were brought to their knees, twisting and writhing under the effects of the Cruciatus curse. They cried out again and again, pleading for mercy until they no longer had the ability to speak.

"Wait," said the male Death Eater. "Let me have a little fun before you curse them into insanity."

The female Death Eater snorted. "They don't have to be sane for that."

"No, but it's much better when they know what's happening to them. _Prorsus nudi!_ "

Severus hovered in the doorway, doing his best to remain stoic. Oddly enough, he couldn't help remembering how he'd felt when Potter and Black had stripped off his clothes, though that was nothing compared to the brutal violation the Muggles were forced to endure. Hours seemed to pass before the Death Eater finished, humming in satisfaction as he straightened his robes.

"Go on, then. Take your pleasure."

"My _pleasure?_ "

"Boy, girl, whichever takes your fancy."

Severus looked down, unable to imagine anything _less_ arousing than the pitiful creatures who lay shivering on the floor. Both of them were covered in filth, a pungent smell informing him that at least one of them had soiled themselves.

He shook his head. "Muggles aren't to my taste."

"No? Well, you better do _something_. The Dark Lord won't like it if you don't participate, especially on your first ambush."

"He doesn't have the stomach for it," said the female Death Eater. "You know how these new ones are."

Severus knew then that he had no choice. He took a deep breath, pointing his wand at the Muggles. Several slashing motions and blood sprayed across the room, splashing the walls, the furniture, even his companions. It wasn't a pleasant death, but at least it was a quick one. There was a terrible gurgling sound as he severed the Muggles' throats, swiftly followed by silence.

"What spell was that?"

" _Sectumsempra_ ," he said, wiping the blood off his wand before he tucked it back in his sleeve.

"I've never heard of it."

"One of my own inventions."

"Really?" said the smaller Death Eater. "It's quite… visual. You must teach me how to do it."

"Of course."

He followed her out of the house, wondering how he could've ever mistaken her for Lily. Lily would _never_ be found in a place like this, killing Muggles for sport. No one, not even the Dark Lord himself could convince her to do such a thing. 

Bidding the others farewell, he returned to Spinner's End, stripping off his robes as he entered the bathroom. He stopped in front of the mirror, jarred by the sight of his own reflection. Staring back at him was a gaunt, grim faced figure, eyes haunted by the things he'd seen and done. His hands still trembled ever so slightly, streaks of dried blood standing out in sharp relief against his pale skin.

The next thing he knew, he was standing in the shower, water so hot it was almost scalding. He scrubbed himself furiously, shaking his head as he did so. Lily… joining the Dark Lord's ranks… how had he been foolish enough to think she'd even _consider_ such a thing? Why hadn't he realized…

Muttering under his breath, he turned off the water. He dried himself off, slipping on a clean pair of shorts before he retrieved his Death Eater robes from the bathroom floor. 

" _Scourgify._ "

The blood on the sleeve was from the female Muggle. He'd killed her first, seeing no point in prolonging her suffering. The male had seemed more resigned to his fate, his jaw set, eyes fixed on the ceiling. Killing him had been slightly easier, but the _female_ …

Severus would never forget the way she'd stared up at him, her face wet with tears as she'd begged for mercy. He'd watched the hope in her eyes fade, swiftly followed by terror as he'd lifted his wand. In that moment, he'd wanted nothing more than to tell her to look away, wishing he could rip off his cloak and cover her face. But of course, that hadn't been an option. He'd had no choice but to slice her throat, knowing that his own murderous eyes were the last thing she'd ever see.

Murder. There was no other word for what he'd done that night. He couldn't pretend there was any justifiable reason for killing those Muggles – what threat could they have possibly posed to the magical world? 

That, he supposed, was the sickening part. Facing a worthy opponent was one thing, but terrorizing defenseless Muggles? Forcing them to endure hours of torture? It had been the worst sort of bullying, a disgusting combination of cruelty and cowardice.

Cowardice… yet the Dark Lord condoned it. Why?

Severus cast another cleansing charm, wondering if joining the Death Eaters had been a mistake. He couldn't be sure, though there was one thing he knew for certain. He'd proven his worth that night. Whatever happened, no one could ever accuse him of having a weak stomach again.

* * *

Contrary to Lily's expectations, James wasn't in any hurry to get their own place. They moved in with his parents instead, both of whom welcomed her with open arms.

"Come, let me show you to your room," said Mrs. Potter. "I did my best to make it comfortable, though if you'd like to make any changes…"

"No, this is perfect. Thank you."

"Wonderful. I'll leave you to get settled, then."

She'd never seen such lovely furniture, rich mahogany carved with intricate flowers. There was a huge dresser and a mirrored vanity, matching the table and chairs that had been placed in one corner. The bed was the most impressive part of all, cloaked by a white lace canopy that fluttered in the breeze from the open window.

"Well?" James said, closing the door behind them. "What do you think?"

"I love it. I just… I thought we'd be sharing a room."

"My parents are a little old-fashioned. They believe witches and wizards should be married before they sleep together."

"I understand," she said, doing her best to hide her disappointment. "Maybe we can get a hotel room for a few hours, or…"

"Lily."

"What's wrong?"

Taking her by the hand, James led her over to the table. He sat down on the other side, hesitating for a long moment before he spoke.

"To tell you the truth," he said, "I feel the same way my parents do. I know it sounds daft, but I… I've always wanted to wait until my wedding night. I'd like the first person I ever sleep with to be my wife."

"James…"

"Oh, I know it's unrealistic. Stupid, really. If you'd rather not wait, I suppose we can…"

"I don't mind waiting."

"You don't?"

"Not at all," she said. "I mean, now that I know the real reason… I was beginning to think you weren't attracted to me."

He laughed, giving his head a little shake. "Trust me, that isn't the problem. You have _no idea_ …"

"Oi, what's going on?"

She glanced over her shoulder, suppressing a sigh as she spotted Sirius. He still shared a room with James, which of course, was the other issue with their living arrangements. Not that she didn't _like_ Sirius, but…

"Hey Padfoot! We going out or what?"

"I'm up for it if you are. How about you, Lils?"

She shook her head. "I've got too much unpacking to do."

"All right then. Have fun!"

They took off for the pub, leaving her to settle into a strange house with people she barely knew. It wasn't so bad, really – she joined the Potters for dinner, followed by a pleasant chat about her years at Hogwarts. Still, she couldn't help feeling lonely as she headed up to bed, wondering if she'd made a mistake.

No. James loved her. He'd treated her kindly, giving her a home rather than leaving her to fend for herself. True, he wasn't around to _share_ that home at the moment, but surely it wouldn't be like this every night. Really, what was wrong with him spending a little time with friends? It wasn't like she couldn't do the same thing.

With that thought, she sat down at the little table, reaching for quill and parchment.

_Dear…_

She frowned, unable to think of a single person she could contact. Over the past couple years, her own friendships had faded, replaced by James and _his_ friends. How had she let that happen? Why hadn't she…

"Lily?"

Startled, she turned around to find James standing in the doorway. His black hair was even messier than usual, his eyes slightly unfocused.

"Are you drunk?"

"Nah. Can I come in?"

"Sure."

He nodded, closing the door behind him before he settled himself at the table. Fumbling in his pocket, he withdrew a roll of parchment, running a finger across the unbroken seal.

"What's that?"

"Someone left it on my table at the pub. It's addressed to both of us."

"Well? What does it say?"

He shrugged. "Doubt it's anything important. We might as well just toss it out."

"Oh, don't you dare!" She snatched the letter out of his hand, ignoring his smirk as she broke the seal.

" _Dear Miss Evans and Mr. Potter,_ " she read aloud, " _I understand that both of you have shown considerable promise, one descended from a noble bloodline while the other possesses enough talent to compensate for her lower birth…"_

"My lower _birth?_ " She shook her head, forcing herself to continue.

_"In light of this, I believe that each of you could be beneficial to our cause. We have much to offer, including…"_

"Honestly," James interrupted, "I don't give a toss what he has to offer. Hand me that quill – I'll write back and tell him to sod off."

"No, don't."

"Why not? Don't tell me you're actually _considering_ …"

"Of course not, but there's useful information here. He's given us an address, says we should meet him there on Saturday night. Shouldn't we pass that along to the Order? Maybe we can help them set up an ambush or something."

Clearly, James was drunker than she'd thought. It took him a few minutes to catch on, though once he did, his face broke into a grin.

"Brilliant. I'll write to Dumbledore…"

"Tomorrow morning," she said firmly, plucking the quill out of his hand.

"Tomorrow," he agreed.

* * *

"Excellent," Dumbledore said as he inspected the letter. "Write back and tell him that you accept his offer. Just be sure not to sound _too_ enthusiastic. A fair amount of skepticism will be much more believable."

"What will happen when we get there?"

"The Order will be watching from a distance, ready to move in as soon as you give us the signal. Here, take these."

He placed a Galleon in each of their hands, seeming to enjoy their confusion as they inspected the coins. Lily gasped as hers suddenly grew warm, her eyes widening as she stared down at the single line of script.

_Would you like to join the Order?_

"How do I respond? With the coin, I mean."

"Just project your thoughts," Dumbledore said. "It's very simple."

"Okay." She clutched the coin tightly, focusing on the message she wanted to send.

_I'd love to._

"Very good. And you, Mr. Potter?"

James nodded, using his own coin to communicate a similar message.

"Welcome to the Order," Dumbledore said, smiling at them both. "I wish there was more time to celebrate, but I must inform the others of our plans. I'll look forward to seeing you again on Saturday night."

* * *

"Nervous?"

Lily shrugged. "We'll have the entire Order behind us, right?"

"Right, though I do want to tell you something."

"What's that?"

"I…" James hesitated, fidgeting awkwardly. "I love you, Lily. I just… wanted you to know that. You know, in case anything goes wrong."

"You _love_ me?" 

She gazed up at him, touched. Those three words did wonders to soothe her insecurities, helped by all the extra attention he'd been giving her lately. What had changed? She couldn't say, though she was glad he'd stopped taking her for granted.

"Yeah, I do. Is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay. I love you, too."

He pulled her into his arms, lowering his mouth to hers. Even his kisses had gotten better, as passionate as they'd been at the beginning of their relationship. She couldn't believe how affectionate he'd been over the past few days, eager to hold her or sneak off for a good snogging session. If it never went any further? Well, she didn't mind. She loved the idea of waiting until marriage, even if her body didn't agree.

"Ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

He nodded, wrapping his arms around her waist. The next thing she knew, they were standing in the middle of a deserted road, thickets of trees interspersed with sprawling farmland.

"Wow," he said. "This really is the middle of nowhere, isn't it?"

They didn't have any trouble finding the house. It was the only one nearby, a derelict thing with a roof that had partially collapsed. Lily stared at it in bewilderment, wondering how it could possibly contain Lord Voldemort and a horde of Death Eaters. It looked so small, though to be fair, appearances could be deceiving. If the magical world had taught her anything, it was definitely that.

"So what do we do?" she said. "Just go up there and knock, or…"

"Shh. Someone's coming."

A hooded figure separated itself from the shadows, gliding across the unkempt lawn. It came to a stop just a few feet away, speaking to them in a harsh whisper.

"Come."

"Where are we going?" said James.

"The Dark Lord wishes to see you."

"Here?" Lily questioned. "Or will you be taking us someplace else?"

"What does it matter? Come."

She hesitated, glancing up at James. Dumbledore had cautioned them against relocating, reminding them that there'd be no way for the Order to follow. 

"Come on, Lily."

She followed the others inside, feeling even more uneasy as she inspected her surroundings. The house had clearly been abandoned for decades, ancient furniture covered by a thick layer of dust. Piles of fallen leaves were scattered across the floor, the doorways crisscrossed by cobwebs.

"He's not here," she said.

"No," the Death Eater agreed, offering her a heavily cloaked arm. "But I'll take you to him."

James chose that moment to send the signal. Lily felt the coin in her pocket grow warm, gasping as more than a dozen Order members burst into the house. Disarming the Death Eater, they put him in restraints, ripping off his mask to reveal a plain faced, ordinary looking wizard.

"Where is your master?"

"I'll never tell."

"No?" said Dumbledore. "Well, maybe a bit of Veritaserum will loosen your lips."

They exited the house with their captive, realizing they couldn't Disapparate from inside. Lily had just begun to turn on her heel when she heard a shout, her eyes widening as she spotted several hooded figures standing at the broken windows. She whipped out her wand, barely dodging a Stunner that flew past her head.

Where had they come from? She supposed it didn't matter. The Order was clearly at a disadvantage, their opponents shielded behind solid walls.

"Go," Dumbledore shouted, casting a massive Shield Charm. "Go!"

Lily did as she was told, firing off a round of spells before she ducked behind a tree. Hastily, she Disapparated, reappearing at Order headquarters.

"Where is he?" James said as he landed beside her. "The one we captured."

"Dead," Alice Longbottom said grimly. "You didn't see them strike him down?"

"You mean they…"

"Killed him on purpose? Of course. They couldn't take the risk of him revealing their secrets."

Lily shook her head. "That's awful."

"Indeed, it is," Dumbledore said. "Lord Voldemort might promise them protection, but he won't hesitate to dispose of them if it seems more convenient."

Despite everything, Lily couldn't help thinking about Severus. Was that the life he'd chosen, just a tool to be used and discarded at a madman's whim? She knew she shouldn't care, though deep down, she still hoped he'd chosen a different path.

Of course, that hope was probably futile. If the rumors were true, he'd received the Dark Mark before he'd left school. He might've even been part of the ambush that night, hooded and cloaked like the other Death Eaters. If so, had he seen her? _She_ hadn't worn any disguise, her red hair unmistakable beneath the moonlight. Had he attempted to curse her? Or had she been the one who'd unknowingly struck out against him? What if…

"All right, Lily?"

"I'm fine."

James nodded. "Let's go home and get some rest."

* * *

The rest of the summer flew by, followed by an autumn that seemed to disappear as soon as it arrived. Before Lily knew it, winter had settled in, cloaking the Potters' townhouse in freshly fallen snow. All the while, she and James worked for the Order, their lives filled with a newfound sense of purpose.

Perhaps it was strange, but she'd never been happier. She was finally doing something important, taking control of her life in a way she never had before. Granted, she often put that life at _risk_ , but wasn't that better than sitting on the sidelines? She'd much rather…

"Ready?"

She set down her hairbrush, smiling up at James. He also seemed happier these days, spending most of his nights at home rather than running off to the pub. Working for the Order had matured him in ways she'd never expected, revealing a side of him that was truly thoughtful and considerate. He never hesitated to tell her that he loved her, always surprising her with compliments and little gifts. 

"Where are we going?"

He shook his head. "It's a surprise, remember?"

"I know, but…" She sighed, gesturing at her outfit. "Can you at least tell me if I'm dressed appropriately?"

"Hmmm, you might want to bring a coat. Wouldn't hurt to put on an extra sweater as well."

"Where are you taking me? Siberia?"

"Maybe."

Shaking her head, she put on the heaviest coat she owned. James wrapped a scarf around her neck, nodding in satisfaction as he led her down the stairs.

"Don't the two of you look nice!"

"Thank you," Lily said, smiling at Mrs. Potter. "Don't worry, we won't stay out too late."

"Oh, take all the time you need! I'm just so happy that…"

"Right," James said, clearing his throat rather pointedly. "We best get going."

As soon as they reached the front step, he wrapped her in his arms, Apparating them both to what she assumed was their destination.

"A cow pasture? Why on earth would you bring me to…"

"Don't worry," he said. "This is just the halfway point."

He drew her in a little closer, spinning in a slow circle. When she opened her eyes, the setting was much more familiar, making her smile as she spotted a row of twinkling lights in the distance.

"Hogsmeade!"

"Well, sort of. You'll see."

He led her across the field, her breath catching in her throat as she realized where he was taking her. She recognized the tree where they'd sat a little over a year ago, that lovely autumn day when he'd kissed her for the first time. Even in winter, it was a place she'd never forget, her stomach filling with butterflies as he sat down beside her.

"I was going to take you to some fancy restaurant," he said. "Or maybe even do this at home. But… well, I guess it made more sense to bring you here."

"Do what?" She stared at him, confused. 

" _This_."

Kneeling at her feet, he withdrew a tiny box from the inside of his coat. He flipped it open, revealing an impressively large diamond.

"Lily Evans…" he said softly. "Will you marry me?"

Oddly enough, she couldn't help noticing that his face was cloaked in shadow. Even his eyes were obscured, his glasses fogged up from the frigid night air. For a fleeting moment, she felt like she was looking at a stranger, an unpleasant shiver skittering up her spine.

But of course, that had nothing to do with fear. It was the cold that made her tremble, the eerie landscape giving her an odd sense of foreboding. It couldn't be James, a boy she knew as well as she knew herself.

A boy who loved her.

Was she ready to get married? She supposed it didn't matter. They were in the middle of a war, after all, which meant there were no guarantees. Why insist on waiting a few more years when even tomorrow might be too late?

"Lily?"

She reached out to touch his face, wondering how she could've ever thought of it as mysterious. The contours were intimately familiar, her thumb tracing the curve of his cheek as she brought her lips to his ear.

"Yes."


	5. Impasse

##  **Impasse**

* * *

Lily had expected to be engaged for months, perhaps even a year before she married James. To her surprise, he insisted on doing it in a matter of weeks, choosing her 19th birthday as their wedding date.

"James, that's less than a month away."

"I know, but what's the point in waiting?"

As usual, he'd gotten his way, though Lily didn't mind. She was too excited about the upcoming wedding, spending most of her time sending out invitations or choosing flower arrangements. James's parents were sparing no expense, even purchasing a flat for them to live in after they married.

"Isn't it great?" James said as he showed it to her for the first time. "Just like real grown-ups."

"Well, one of us, at least."

"Hey!"

She giggled, ducking into the next room to try on her wedding dress. It fit her perfectly, cascades of white lace swirling around delicate ivory satin. She'd never looked more beautiful… would James think so, too? She couldn't wait to see his reaction.

"Lily?"

"Yeah?" Hastily, she slipped out of the dress, stuffing it back in the closet.

"I was thinking we'd go out tonight."

"Really? Where are you taking me?"

"Oh, sorry." He hesitated, sounding embarrassed. "I meant me and Sirius. Thought we'd meet up with Remus and Peter."

"Bachelor party?"

"Yeah, something like that."

She forced herself to smile, wishing she had friends of her own to meet up with. Then again, she still had a lot of preparations to make. James wasn't particularly helpful when it came to wedding stuff.

"That sounds like fun," she said. "Just make sure you're back in time for the wedding, all right?"

"I'll do my best."

She waited for him to leave before she gathered her things, heading back over to his parents' house. There was no need to Apparate – they only lived four doors down, part of a neat row of townhouses on a blissfully quiet street.

"Come in, dear, come in! You must be freezing!"

She followed Mrs. Potter into the kitchen, smiling as she accepted a cup of tea.

"Thank you."

"Oh, it's no trouble. No trouble at all. We're just so pleased that you decided to join our family."

"I am, too."

"And of course, you'll be starting a family of your own soon enough. Fleamont and I can't wait to meet our first grandchild."

She sputtered, nearly choking on her tea. "Um, we haven't really talked about…"

"Babies?"

"Or even just _one_ baby. I know we're about to be married, but we're awfully young. Besides, we're quite busy the Order these days."

"Oh, I know, dear." Mrs. Potter reached over to pat her hand. "But there's nothing more important than starting a family. I would've happily done it at your age if I'd had the option."

"I know, but… well, we still have plenty of time."

"Yes, one would hope so, though there are no guarantees."

Of course, Lily knew James had been born late in his parents' lives. They were in their 70s now, perhaps even their 80s – their eagerness to have a grandchild was understandable. Still, she couldn't help feeling pressured, wishing Mrs. Potter would ease off a bit. It was _her_ body, after all, not to mention her life that would drastically change.

"I'll talk to James," she said. "Maybe we'll be ready in a year or two."

"Well, there's nothing wrong with letting these things happen naturally. Relax and let nature take care of it, eh?"

She squirmed in her seat, desperate for a change of subject. Of course, she wanted to have children _someday_ , but at 19? She still felt like a child herself, not sure how to handle her own life let alone anyone else's.

"Anyway, enough of that," Mrs. Potter said. "Why don't we check the flower arrangements?"

"That's a wonderful idea."

* * *

James had never looked more handsome, clad in the finest dress robes Lily had ever seen. He stood in the Potters' drawing room with Sirius at his side, his face breaking into a grin as he spotted her walking toward him. 

"Ready?" he said, taking her hand as she drew near. She nodded, feeling a little faint as they turned to face the Ministry official.

"Is it your wish to join yourselves in matrimony?"

"It is," they said in unison.

The rest of the ceremony was a blur, for all that she tried to remember every second. She repeated vows, listening to James do the same as he slipped a ring on her finger. The next thing she knew, they were kissing, people pressing in on all sides as they offered their congratulations.

"Allow me to present James and Lily Potter!"

Somehow, it didn't seem real. Yet there was no denying she was married now, band of gold glinting beneath the candlelight as she lifted a hand to adjust her veil.

"How does it feel?" Remus asked her.

"Honestly? I have no idea."

It wasn't the most appropriate response, but no one seemed to care. The wine was already flowing freely, gifts piling up on the table as James led her to her seat. He sat down beside her, slicing them both a piece of cake.

"Happy?"

"Yes," she said. "Just a bit overwhelmed. I had no idea there'd be this many people."

"Friends of my parents, mostly. They'll be leaving soon."

He was right, she realized. The older witches and wizards began to depart, offering their best wishes on their way out the door. James's parents weren't far behind, kissing them both on the cheek before they headed upstairs.

Clearly, this was the opportunity Sirius had been waiting for. He got to his feet, swaying slightly as he cast a _Muffliato_.

"Here's to Prongs!" he shouted, raising his glass in the air. "Perfect nickname, wouldn't you say? Horniest bloke I've ever known, truly."

 _Horny?_ She did her best to hide her confusion, pretending to laugh along with the others.

"And Lily, sweet, beautiful Lily, who's chosen to saddle herself to a rutting stag for the rest of her life. Let's hope she can handle him, eh?"

Wasn't James supposed to be a _virgin?_ How would Sirius know…

Lily shook her head, choosing not to dwell on it. Sirius was probably talking out of his ass – he _was_ quite drunk.

"James?"

"Yeah?" He turned to face her, still laughing at Sirius's toast.

"It's almost 9 PM. Will you be ready to go soon?"

"Sure. Just a couple more toasts, all right?"

"Okay."

By 10 PM, she was starting to get annoyed. James's parents had gone upstairs more than an hour ago, the older guests having long since departed. It was just James and his friends now, laughing uproariously as they guzzled countless bottles of wine.

Perhaps it would've been easier if she'd had friends of her own to invite. As it was, even Petunia had refused to come, saying she couldn't condone Lily's poor choice of a husband. Not that she had any right to talk in that regard, but still…

Still, it was terrible to feel out of place at her own wedding reception, utterly forgotten as the others celebrated without her. She'd never felt more lonely, wanting nothing more than to go home and crawl into bed.

"James? _James!_ "

"What? Oh, sorry, must've forgotten the time. One more toast, I _swear_ …"

"Don't worry about it," she said as she got to her feet. "Just meet me back at the flat, all right?"

He nodded. "Be there shortly."

Slowly, she walked home, resisting the urge to cry. As pathetic as she felt, she didn't want to ruin her makeup, refusing to undress as she trudged into the bedroom. Despite everything, she still wanted to look beautiful for him, wanted _him_ to be the one who undressed her. She'd been fantasizing about it for weeks, imagining his fingers unfastening the pearl buttons at her throat before he drew the dress down over her shoulders. 

But that wasn't all. She'd even transfigured lingerie for him, too self-conscious to purchase anything so revealing at a shop. It was hidden beneath her wedding dress, pale pink and practically transparent, quite flattering in the way it clung to her curves. This morning, she couldn't _wait_ for him to see it, but now…

She waited another hour before she took off her wedding dress. 30 more minutes and she got rid of the lingerie as well, stuffing it in the trash bin. She put on a warm flannel nightgown, deciding she wasn't going to freeze her tits off for someone who wasn't even there. 

As the clock struck 1 AM, she cried herself to sleep, no longer giving a damn about smeared makeup.

* * *

"Lily?"

"James?" She sat up in bed, squinting at the clock. "Bloody hell, it's 4 AM!"

"I know," he said as he dropped onto the mattress beside her. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? _That's_ all you have to say?"

"Look. I got carried away, all right? I'll make it up to you." 

" _How?!_ It's not like we're ever going to have another wedding night!"

"I know," he whispered, "but this one isn't over yet."

"You still want to…"

"Sure," he said, taking off his dress robes before he crawled into bed. "I mean, unless you'd rather wait."

"I'm tired of waiting. Let's just get it over with."

"Okay."

She didn't know how to react, trying not to cringe as he slipped a hand inside her nightgown. This was hardly the wedding night she'd imagined, her husband reeking of alcohol, breathing heavily against her neck as he fumbled with her breasts. After a minute, he pulled away, lying on his back as he unzipped his trousers.

"Should I take my nightgown off?"

"No, leave it on. Just… hold on a minute, all right?"

She frowned, sliding her thumbs beneath the waistband of her underwear. "Shouldn't I at least…"

"Shhh. Let me focus."

Only then did she realize what he was doing, his hand pumping furiously as he let out a series of frustrated grunts. 

"James, are you having trouble getting…"

"Hard? Yeah, just a bit. If you'll give me a minute…"

Was this what sex was supposed to be like? She stared at him in bewilderment, listening to him curse under his breath as he jerked himself a little faster. 

"Lily," he said, panting so hard he could barely get the words out. "Take your knickers off."

She slid her underwear down over her legs, gasping as he rolled on top of her. He pushed her nightgown up around her waist, urging her thighs apart as he shifted into position.

It wasn't going to work. She knew that much, despite her lack of experience. He wasn't hard enough for penetration, probing against her uselessly as he attempted to gain entry.

"James, stop."

He pulled away, unable to hide the relief in his expression as he flopped down on the other side of the bed.

"I'm sorry," he said after a moment. "Must be the alcohol."

"Yeah." She hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh. "Why don't we try to get some sleep?"

* * *

Mrs. Potter opened the door, breaking into a huge smile as she spotted Lily on the porch. She ushered her inside, humming to herself as she prepared a tray of tea and biscuits.

"Nice to see you, dear," she said as she sat down. "Did you enjoy yourself last night?"

"I… it wasn't what I'd expected."

"No? Well, you must've enjoyed the ceremony. It really was quite lovely."

Lily nodded.

"As for the intercourse…"

Clearly, she'd chosen the worst possible moment to take a bite of biscuit. She nearly choked, sputtering as she reached for her tea.

"Oh, no need to be embarrassed. There's nothing wrong with talking about these things."

"With my _mother-in-law?_ "

Mrs. Potter chuckled. "I'm not asking for any details, I assure you. I just wanted you to know that it gets easier."

"Really? How so?"

"The first time can be uncomfortable, perhaps even unpleasant. If that was the case with you…"

"Uncomfortable," Lily repeated. "Yeah, you might say that."

Mrs. Potter nodded. "That's perfectly normal. Once he calms down, learns how to be a little less eager, it'll be much more enjoyable for you."

 _Eager?_ Lily wouldn't have minded if James had been eager. What bothered her was his _lack_ of desire, which she couldn't blame on the alcohol. He would've been sober when he'd woken up that morning, after all, yet he'd made no attempt to try again. He'd snuck out while she was still asleep, leaving a hastily scrawled note on the pillow.

_Gone to practice Quidditch. I'll be back later tonight._

Maybe he was embarrassed? That didn't seem likely, though she was still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. They'd been married for less than 24 hours – wasn't it a little soon to assume the worst?

"I need to get going," she told Mrs. Potter. "I'm planning to cook dinner, then maybe James and I can have a quiet night together."

"That's a lovely idea."

* * *

Lily spent all day in the kitchen, using the recipe Mrs. Potter had given her to make James's favorite pot roast. She prepared buttered potatoes crusted with herbs as a side dish, baking a loaf of bread along with a lemon meringue pie.

By the time she'd finished, the sun had just begun to set. She cast a Stasis Charm on the food, cleaning the flat from top to bottom before she lit the sconces on the walls. She even used her wedding flowers to make a lovely centerpiece, setting it in the middle of the table.

Finally, she went upstairs to take a bath, anticipating the night to come.

"Lily?"

"I'll be down in a minute!"

Hastily, she slipped into a flattering black dress, running a brush through her hair. She put on a bit of lip gloss along with a touch of perfume, smiling as she headed downstairs.

"Hey Lily. You don't mind if Sirius joins us, do you?"

Both of them were already seated at the table, devouring the pot roast she'd worked so hard to make.

"James, that was for the two of us."

"I know, but there's plenty to go around."

"That isn't the point."

"Hey, I can go ahead and take off." Sirius paused, swallowing a mouthful of bread. "Wouldn't want to get in the way."

Lily nodded. "I really _was_ hoping…"

"Don't be absurd!" James interrupted. "My home is your home, remember? You're always welcome here."

" _Our_ home," she corrected, though neither of them heard her. They didn't even notice when she left the room, the sound of their laughter echoing in her ears as she stomped up the stairs.

It was the middle of the night when James finally fell into bed beside her. He mumbled some sort of apology, though she didn't respond, waiting to see what he'd do next. Would he try to kiss her, touch her, do _any_ of the things that a husband was supposed to do?

Apparently not. He stayed on the other side of the bed, letting out a soft snore as her eyes filled with tears.

* * *

The next morning, Lily came to a conclusion. If James wasn't going to put any effort into their marriage, then she wouldn't either. If he wanted things to improve? Well, it was _his_ turn to try and make that happen.

"Mind if I go out for a bit?"

She shrugged. "Do whatever you want."

Of course, he didn't bother to kiss her before he left. He hadn't done that since the wedding, had barely even touched her aside from his botched attempt to consummate their marriage. What had changed between them?

Before the wedding, he'd been attentive and affectionate. He'd gone out of his way to tell her how much he loved her, how beautiful she was, claiming he couldn't wait to sleep with her. Clearly, that wasn't the case, so why had he proposed? It couldn't have been for money or power or status, didn't have anything to do with family connections or marrying into the right bloodlines. She had nothing to offer other than herself.

His behavior continued to baffle her as the weeks passed. He only grew more distant, until finally, she couldn't take it anymore.

"We need to talk."

"Lily, I have to go. Told Sirius I'd meet him at…"

"Oh, bugger Sirius! The last time I checked, he wasn't your wife."

James sighed, closing the door before he sat down on the couch. "Okay," he said. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "The fact that you even have to _ask_ …"

"Look, I know I've been preoccupied lately…"

" _Preoccupied?!_ James, you haven't kissed me since the wedding! You barely talk to me anymore, you…" She trailed off, dropping onto the couch beside him. "I just want to know what changed."

"Nothing's changed! I've just been busy."

"Too busy to consummate your marriage?"

"I'm going to, all right? I just haven't…"

"Haven't gotten around to it? James, it's been _two months!_ Why the bloody hell did you marry me if you didn't want to…"

"I do!"

"Oh yeah? Prove it. Go on then, take off your trousers. We'll do it right here on the couch."

He shook his head. "That isn't the way to…"

"Then what will it take?"

"I don't know, okay? You're kind of putting me on the spot here."

" _Putting you on the spot?_ You've had _months_ …" She trailed off, shaking her head. "Look, I don't want to be married to a man who has no interest in sleeping with me. If that's the case, just go ahead and say so. We can always get an annulment."

"An annulment?" To her surprise, he looked appalled by the suggestion. "We can't!"

"Sure we can. All we need is proof that the marriage hasn't been consummated. Any certified healer can take care of that."

"I don't want an annulment," James said. "I want…"

Before she realized what was happening, he was kissing her, reaching down to unzip his fly. She was too shocked to resist, gasping as he pushed her back against the cushions. He slid a hand under her skirt, using the other to stroke himself.

"Wait," she said, realizing he wasn't erect.

The truth was, she no longer wanted to have sex for its own sake. She didn't care about passion or pleasure, was even a little repulsed as she knelt between his thighs, drawing him into her mouth. But she did it anyway, desperate to prove that her marriage wasn't a sham.

Of course, she had no idea what she was doing. She slid her lips up and down, remembering bits of gossip she'd heard from more experienced girls as she teased him with the tip of her tongue.

To her surprise, it worked. She felt him growing bigger, shocked when she realized he was fully hard. He started to moan, his hands gripping her head almost painfully as he thrusted into her mouth.

Could this be the answer? Maybe he _had_ been embarrassed on their wedding night, distancing himself out of fear that it would happen again. Maybe his difficulties were just some minor physical quirk, one that could easily be solved by what she was doing now. If she could just…

"Sirius…"

" _What did you say?_ "

His eyes snapped open, his expression bewildered. "I didn't say anything."

"Yes, you did! You were calling for Sirius!"

"I… I wasn't _calling_ for him! I just… I was just going to mention that he's waiting for me. Changed my mind, didn't want to spoil the mood."

"Yeah?" she shot back, gesturing at his deflating erection. "Too late for that."

"I'm sorry, all right? If you want to try again…"

"Forget it."

"Honestly, I really _was_ enjoying…"

Trailing off, he looked up as an owl swooped in through the window. It dropped a scroll on the table, tapping its claws impatiently. Lily fed it a couple treats, sending it on its way before she turned back to James.

"What's wrong?"

His face had gone pale, his hands shaking as he set down the message.

"Dad has Dragon Pox," he said quietly. "Mum's taken him to St Mungo's."

* * *

Despite their best efforts, the healers couldn't save Mr. Potter. He succumbed to the disease just a few hours after James and Lily arrived at the hospital, whispering a final goodbye to his wife and son.

"Honestly," Mrs. Potter said as she sniffled into her handkerchief. "I don't know what I'm going to do without him."

Lily nodded, putting an arm around her shoulders. "We'll do everything we can to help you. I'm so sorry…"

She trailed off as Mrs. Potter sneezed, her eyes widening as the square of fabric caught fire. The older woman's skin suddenly took on a green tinge, a flurry of bumps appearing on her cheeks and forehead.

"Please, we need a healer!"

Mrs. Potter managed to hold on for several days, though unfortunately, it was only a matter of time. Like her husband, she was too old and frail to fight off such an invasive iillness.

"Can you step outside for a minute?" she asked James. "I need to speak with Lily."

Lily sat beside her, reaching over to take her hand. 

"I… I need you to do something for me."

"What is it?"

"Give him a child."

Lily hesitated. "I'm really not sure…"

"Please, just one child," Mrs. Potter whispered. "Otherwise, the Potter name dies with him. My fault. I should've never…"

" _Your_ fault?"

"Marrying another Pureblood. I should've known better."

Of course, that explained why Mrs. Potter had been so accepting, why she'd been so eager for their wedding to take place. She must've been thrilled that James was marrying a Muggleborn, assuming that would increase his chances of reproducing. An entire brood of healthy grandchildren… that would've alleviated her guilt, something she'd obviously been living with for much of her life.

Lily couldn't blame her for that, though it did lead to other, more distressing thoughts. Was _this_ why James had married her? Had his mother pressured him into it? She didn't want to think so, yet…

"A child," Mrs. Potter whispered as her breathing grew more labored. "Please…"

"I… I promise."

"And take… take care of my James."

"I will."

* * *

Thankfully, neither James or Lily contracted Dragon Pox. She arranged the funerals while he found a buyer for their flat, insisting he wanted to move back home.

She couldn't bring herself to argue, knowing what it was like to lose both parents. Unfortunately, moving back into the Potters' home only made matters worse. He shut himself up in his old bedroom, refusing to come out for days or even weeks at a time. On the rare occasions she saw him, he was red eyed and reeking of wine, his clothes filthy.

"All right, Lils?"

She sighed, shaking her head at Sirius. "Is he _ever_ going to come out?"

"Oh, sure. He just needs a little time."

"He's _had_ time! It's been two months!"

"To be fair, he's doing much better than he was a month ago."

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't know. I haven't seen him since…" She trailed off, realizing that she couldn't even remember. Had it been two weeks ago? Three?

"He likes to be alone when he's feeling down. I wouldn't take it personally."

" _Alone?_ Then why is he always letting _you_ come in there?"

Sirius hesitated. "That's different."

"How so?"

"I'm his best friend."

"And I'm his _wife!_ Don't you think…"

"Padfoot?" called a voice from above. "You coming up?"

"Yeah, mate, I'll be right there!" Sirius turned back to Lily, patting her on the shoulder. "He can be a pain in the arse. No one knows that better than I do, believe me. Just… bear with him, all right? I'll see what I can do to get him out of there."

She didn't respond, sighing heavily as he bounded upstairs.

* * *

_A handful of Death Eaters are rumored to be meeting at a specific location this evening. South London, Muggle pub by the name of Hopkins' Hops and Barley. Will either of you be available?_

_I can come_ , Lily responded, using the enchanted piece of parchment she'd been given. _What time?_

_9 PM. We'll be in the alley behind the pub._

She stepped outside at 8:45 PM, hardly able to contain her excitement. It had been months since she'd worked for the Order, weeks since she'd even left the house. Really, she should ask Dumbledore to give her assignments a little more often. He'd been leaving them alone out of respect for James's loss, but she wasn't her husband, was she? Why should she have to put her own life on hold?

Her destination was easy to find. She arrived a few minutes early, pacing up and down the alley as she waited for the others. Finally, she forced herself to stop, squinting into the shadows. Surely they'd arrive soon? It seemed strange that none of them were here yet.

She waited 10 more minutes before she pulled the slip of parchment out of her pocket. Igniting the tip of her wand, she muttered a spell, revealing the last message she'd received.

"Buggering hell."

9 PM? She was supposed to be here at _7 PM_ , Of course, the sloppy handwriting made it nearly impossible to tell the difference.

Sighing, she tucked the message away as she turned to leave. She'd barely made it two steps when a figure slipped into the alley, the light from her wand illuminating the contours of his mask. Slowly, he walked toward her, panic rising in her throat as he approached. She gasped, firing off a quick Stunner.

He deflected it effortlessly, though he didn't attempt to strike back. Instead, he lowered his wand, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Lily?"

" _Severus?!_ "


	6. Catalyst

##  **Catalyst**

* * *

Lily froze, unable to move or speak. She watched Severus remove his mask, nearly forgetting the wand in her hand as his eyes met hers.

"Are you going to kill me?" he said quietly.

Kill. That one word brought home the reality of her situation, reminding her that this wasn't the Severus she'd known. This was a Death Eater, a stranger who'd chosen to be her enemy. True, he hadn't attempted to curse her yet, but that didn't mean his intentions were good.

"Kill you?" she echoed. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't."

He hesitated, lowering his eyes. "I have no reasons to give you. Not anymore."

"So you're saying you'd let me…" She shook her head. "This is a trap."

"It's not a trap."

"Yeah? Prove it."

"How?" he said. "Tell me what to do and I'll do it."

"Give me your wand."

To her surprise, he stepped forward, placing his wand at her feet. She bent down to pick it up, aiming her own wand directly at his chest.

"Foolish move, Severus."

"Perhaps." He shrugged. "Or perhaps it doesn't matter."

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean it doesn't matter if I have a wand. It's not like I'd use it against you."

"But you can't defend yourself either," she pointed out. "What's to stop me from cursing you into oblivion?"

He inclined his head. "Do what you must."

" _Avada…_ "

He made no attempt to move. He didn't even flinch. Instead, he just stood there quietly, his eyes fixed on hers as he waited for her to kill him.

"Are you _suicidal?_ "

"No."

"Then why…"

"Because I knew you wouldn't do it."

"Oh yeah?" She narrowed her eyes. "If you think I don't have the guts…"

"I knew you wouldn't do it," he repeated, "because I know you. You might be a good fighter, but I don't believe you could take anyone's life unless you had no other choice. Killing someone who has no means of defending himself? That's not in your nature."

"No," she agreed. "I'm not a Death Eater."

Her words accomplished what her wand couldn't do. He flinched, turning his face away.

"Whatever I've done…"

"Why?" she interrupted, her voice trembling. "Why did you do it, Severus? I knew you were thinking about joining him, but I always thought… well, I suppose _hoped_ is a better word. I hoped you'd turn back before it was too late, that you'd realize…"

"I couldn't see it. Not at the time. Now I…"

He trailed off, his eyes narrowing. Before she could stop him, he snatched his wand out of her hand, pointing it directly at her face.

"Sev…"

"Shhh!"

She gasped, feeling the distinct trickle of a Disillusionment Charm. With that, he covered his face, turning to greet the hooded figure who'd just appeared at the other end of the alley.

"What's going on?" called the unknown Death Eater.

"Just taking a piss," he replied, his voice casual. "Let's go."

* * *

Lily had assumed Severus would be dead to her if he ever joined the Death Eaters. Perhaps that was why she'd chosen to let him go, unable to see how the boy she'd known could also be a follower of Voldemort. She'd never imagined him as both those things, his face, his voice, even the look in his eyes still painfully familiar beneath that hideous mask.

He could've killed her. She knew that now. There'd never been a second when he hadn't had the advantage, even when he'd surrendered his wand. He could've taken it back in the blink of an eye, something he'd proven when he'd cast the Disillusionment Charm. 

He could've killed her, yet he'd protected her instead. Why?

_"I couldn't see it. Not at the time. Now I…"_

If they hadn't been interrupted, what would he have said? Would he have admitted that joining the Death Eaters had been a mistake? She wanted to think so, though she was hesitant to make any assumptions. He still wore the mask, after all, which meant… honestly, she didn't know _what_ it meant.

"Hey, Lils."

She nodded at Sirius, passing him a plate as he joined her at the table. A couple seconds later, James entered the kitchen, settling himself in a chair before he helped himself to some chicken.

"Looks great," he said. "Thanks."

She didn't know what Sirius had done, but somehow, he'd gotten through to her husband. James had emerged from his parents' room, easing back into their normal routine. To her relief, he'd resumed bathing, too, ridding himself of the stench of stale alcohol.

"Going out tonight?"

James nodded. "Not sure how long we'll be, but…"

"I won't wait up."

There was no bitterness in her voice when she said it. Somehow, she'd gotten past all that, forced to accept that James was incapable of acting like a proper husband. Really, what was the point in trying anymore? 

She waited for them to leave before she headed upstairs, filling the tub with warm, sudsy water. Lighting a couple candles, she slipped into the bath, glad to have the house to herself.

Of course, that didn't mean she wasn't lonely. It hit her hardest late at night, lying in a bed that was much too big for one person. Night after night, she'd cling to her pillow, wishing she had someone there beside her.

 _Someone_ , yes, but who? She knew it wasn't James she wanted. Her feelings toward him had changed, her attraction destroyed by long months of neglect. Why should she care if he didn't kiss her, didn't touch her, didn't bother to share her bed? These days, she didn't want those things either.

What she _did_ want? Answers. She needed to know why he'd pretended to be something he wasn't, convincing her to marry him under false pretenses. That was the part that still hurt, a betrayal of trust she didn't know how to forgive. 

Why had he done it? She suspected it had something to do with his mother, though she hadn't wanted to confront him while he was grieving. In the meantime, she'd had no choice but to accept their odd arrangement, a wife who was treated like some sort of casual acquaintance.

That wasn't what she'd signed up for. James knew that as well as she did, though he didn't seem to care. Really, it was no different than he'd treated her in their younger years. He'd been determined to get what he'd wanted, even if that meant using her feelings against her.

_"Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."_

She sighed, casting a Drying Charm on herself before she put on a light nightgown. Yes, she wanted answers, but she wouldn't be getting them tonight. There was nothing to do but crawl into an empty bed, arms wrapped tightly around her pillow as she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Lily sat up, trying to figure out what had woken her. She waited a few seconds before she heard it again, a distinct moaning sound that seemed to be coming from across the hall. 

"Bloody hell!"

The words were muffled, but there was no mistaking the strain in James's voice. He shouted again, the words unintelligible, taking several breaths that sounded more like sobs. A nightmare? Or something worse?

Grabbing her wand, she slipped out of bed, stepping out into the hallway. His cries had only gotten louder, accompanied by a strange, rhythmic sound. Was he punching the _wall?_ Why on earth would he…

"James?" she whispered, opening the door a crack.

Her husband was on his hands and knees, his naked skin sheened with sweat as he rocked back and forth. Even the bed was moving, headboard hitting the wall with each of Sirius's swift, pounding thrusts.

"What the hell?" she muttered, though neither of them heard her. She stood there frozen, pressing a hand to her mouth as Sirius flipped James onto his back.

"More," James insisted, groaning loudly as Sirius penetrated him again. He reached down to stroke himself, his other hand clawing at the bed sheets.

"You…" Sirius said, each word punctuated by a thrust, "are… insatiable…"

The wedding toast… what had he said?

" _Horniest bloke I've ever known, truly._ "

It hadn't made sense at the time, but _now_ …

Somehow, Lily remembered how to move. She pulled the door closed, retreating to her room as the pounding noises grew more urgent. Finally, James howled, followed by a grunt from Sirius, plunging the house into silence.

Why hadn't she seen it? She shook her head, struggling to come to terms with what should've been obvious all along. James fancied boys. Not just boys, but Sirius in particular. _That_ was why he'd insisted on waiting until their wedding night, why he'd been unable to consummate their marriage. She wasn't, nor had she _ever_ been, what he'd wanted.

"I'm such an idiot," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. 

The more she thought about it, the more stupid she felt. Sirius had _always_ been more important than her in James's eyes, his excuse for so many things in their relationship. Why hadn't she seen it? Why hadn't she realized…

Because he'd gone out of his way to deceive her.

That was the cold, hard truth, one she could no longer ignore. He'd been lying to her since that first kiss, adapting his behavior to make him seem like a perfect boyfriend. He'd dismissed her doubts, blown through all her reservations, wearing her down until she'd agreed to become his wife. 

But _why_ had he done it? That was the question that haunted her, even more so than it had before. She wanted to storm back across the hall and demand answers, but it was just too humiliating, too painful, too much for her to deal with at this particular moment. She laid back down instead, tears soaking the pillow as she wondered how she could've been so blind.

" _He's deceiving you, Lily. He's manipulating you and you can't even see it._ "

Severus.

He'd tried to warn her. That night she'd confronted him in the hall, furious over James's injuries…

_"You ambushed him!"_

_"Is that what he told you? Well, I'm afraid it was the other way around."_

Had he been lying? She'd thought so at the time, but now…

_"Why don't you just apologize? I know you don't like James, but what you did was wrong. Can't you see that?"_

_"I didn't do anything wrong! He's the one who started it."_

True, James had sworn he'd leave Severus alone, but had he really gone from one extreme to another? That didn't seem likely. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more it seemed like the opposite might be true. He'd always taken delight in humiliating Severus, hurting him, taunting him with cruel insults and mocking laughter. Why would he have stopped, knowing he could fool everyone into believing that Severus was at fault?

" _Leave him alone_ ," she heard herself say, remembering that day at the lake. " _What's he done to you?_ "

 _"Well, it's more the fact that he_ exists, _if you know what I mean…"_

Severus hadn't been the aggressor that day. He'd been the victim, just as he had in so many other situations. Wasn't that why she'd asked James to leave him alone? The bullying had come from the Marauders more often than not, almost always with an unfair advantage. Severus without a wand, lying there defenseless, unable to move…

" _LEAVE HIM ALONE!_ "

For the first time, she skipped over the memory of Severus calling her that awful name. Instead, she remembered his expression, fury and humiliation mingled with pain.

" _Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?_ "

She'd been walking away at that point, so upset that she hadn't bothered to look back over her shoulder. At the time, she'd assumed it was just an empty threat, but now…

"Shit."

Suddenly, a different memory flashed through her mind, one that had taken place almost two years later. She saw Severus lying naked in the hallway, reeking of urine as he'd shivered in the chilly morning air. 

_"I don't know who did it. I never saw them."_

He must've known who the culprit was, yet he'd chosen to keep that information to himself. Obviously, he hadn't expected anyone to believe him, even in a situation where he couldn't have been mistaken for anything other than a victim.

Why the bloody hell hadn't she _seen_ it? How could she have been so blind?

Wiping her eyes, she lifted her wand, twirling it in a familiar motion. She whispered a message to her Patronus, watching it disappear before she got up to dress.

* * *

Severus shot up in bed, his eyes widening as he spotted the doe. She opened her mouth to speak, Lily's sweet, unmistakable voice echoing off the bedroom walls.

" _Severus? I was hoping we could talk._ "

"Where?"

" _That place we stayed when we were 10. Do you remember it?_ "

He nodded, picturing the cottage where Lily's parents had taken them on a brief summer holiday. That had been one of the happiest times of his life, a memory he often drew upon when conjuring his own Patronus.

"I remember," he said quietly. "When?"

" _Now._ "

It was well past 2 AM, but what did that matter? He got up and dressed, his heart pounding as he Apparated to the cottage by the seaside. She couldn't have picked a better spot – the tiny village was far removed from the Wizarding world, practically invisible to anyone who wasn't familiar with the location.

"Severus," she said, her voice barely above a whisper as she opened the door. "I was hoping you'd come."

"Did you imagine I'd refuse?"

"No, but you might've been…"

"I wasn't working for him, if that's what you're suggesting. I was at home asleep."

"I'm sorry I woke you."

He shrugged. "I'm not."

Clearly, she'd been there for a while. She'd removed the covers from the furniture, clearing the dust that must've covered the floor. There wasn't much in the way of lighting, but she'd conjured a handful of candles, placing them around the room.

"Do you think it's safe?"

"Safe enough," he said as he joined her on the couch. "Who would think to look for us here?"

She didn't respond, staring at some distant point beyond him. Only then did he realize that she'd been crying, her eyes red rimmed and puffy.

"Severus, I… I wanted to apologize."

"Apologize?" He frowned. "For what?"

"For not listening to you. You were right about James, you tried to tell me…"

"What did he do?"

She shook her head. "Let's just say he isn't the person I thought he was."

"Yes, well…" He hesitated, biting back a sharp retort. "Potter fooled a lot of people. I wouldn't blame yourself for that."

"What he did to you…"

"It doesn't matter now."

"It does." She reached for his hand, her eyes filling with tears. "Please, Severus. I've been lied to so much that I… I don't know what to believe anymore. I need to know the truth, need _someone_ to tell me…"

"Very well," he interrupted. "What would you like to know?"

"That day in the woods… what really happened?"

He shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh. "I was foolish enough to go off on my own. They followed me, caught me unawares. I challenged Potter to a duel, but when it became clear that I was winning…"

"They ganged up on you?"

"Of course they did. I managed to fend them off for a little while, but eventually, I was knocked unconscious. When I woke up, my injuries were… extensive. I was unable to Hogwarts until I'd recuperated."

"So you _did_ heal yourself."

He shrugged. "That wasn't the first time I had to do so. Nor the last, for that matter."

"Unbelievable."

Lily's voice was laced with anger, though to his relief, it wasn't directed at him. What had happened since the last time he'd seen her? Something to do with Potter, obviously, though he wouldn't allow himself to imagine what that was. This conversation was going far better than he'd expected – he didn't want to spoil it by threatening to murder her husband.

"I _asked_ James to leave you alone. He _promised_ …"

"He lied. Hardly a day went by when I wasn't hexed, particularly during our final year. They stalked me through the halls, used some sort of tracking device to catch me unawares. They…"

"They stripped off your clothes. Left you lying there Petrified. They…" Lily hesitated, shaking her head. "They peed on you, didn't they?"

Severus flinched, refusing to meet her eyes.

"And you didn't tell because…"

"You already know the answer to that."

"Because you assumed that no one would believe you?"

"I didn't _assume_ ," he said, struggling to keep the bitterness out of his voice. "I knew."

"You could've at least tried. You could've…"

"I was _sick_ of trying! Can't you understand that? When that happened… that was _two years_ after Black nearly got me killed, only to be let off with a warning. A bloody _warning!_ Dumbledore never stopped excusing their actions, McGonagall wouldn't even hear me out. They always assumed the worst of me, refusing to believe that their precious Gryffindors could _possibly_ be at fault. Even you… what was I supposed to do? There was no one I could turn to, no one…"

"No one," she said quietly, "except You-Know-Who."

"Yes."

"Oh, Severus…"

He shook his head. "Don't feel sorry for me, Lily. Don't excuse my actions. I've done terrible things, I…"

"Did you _want_ to do them?"

Hesitating, he thought about the Muggle family he'd killed last week. As usual, he'd had no choice but to put them out of their misery, bringing an end to the torture they'd been forced to endure.

"No," he said. "No, I did not. I thought… I didn't realize…"

"You must've heard the rumors."

"Yes, but I didn't want to believe them. All I saw was…"

"What you _wanted_ to see," she finished for him.

"Yes."

"Just like I did with James."

He nodded. "We've both learned a great deal about deception, it seems." 

"I wish… I wish we would've listened to each other. I can't help thinking about how different our lives would be if…" She trailed off, covering her face with her hands.

Not knowing what else to do, he pulled her into his arms, stroking her hair with the tips of his fingers. She didn't resist, something twisting deep inside him as she buried her face in his neck.

"It's all right," he said, his voice low. "Truly, this is my fault. I shouldn't have…"

"Severus?" she whispered, lifting her head to look at him. She'd never seemed more vulnerable to him than she did in that moment, tear filled eyes shimmering beneath the candlelight.

"What is it?"

"If you could go back and choose… I mean, between You-Know-Who and me, what would you…"

"I'd choose you. Without hesitation. Knowing what I know now, I could've _never_ …"

He wasn't prepared for her reaction, his eyes widening as she pressed her lips to his. The next thing he knew, he was kissing her back, groaning low in his throat, tongue delving into her mouth much more forcefully than he'd intended. He kept expecting her to stop him, wondering if he was on the verge of waking up from yet another dream.

But this wasn't a dream. This was all too real, from the taste of her mouth to the warm, solid body he held in his arms. He eased her back against the cushions, and still, she didn't resist, sighing in encouragement as he moved to kiss her neck.

Why was this happening? He attempted to find some logical reason, only to decide that it didn't matter. _Nothing_ mattered except the way she felt beneath him, shivers skittering up his spine as he imagined what it would feel like to be inside her. If he could have that, even just this _once_ …

"Lily," he said, his voice emerging as a harsh whisper. "If you want me to stop…"

"Don't stop. Please."

He let out a shuddering sigh, clumsy in his eagerness as he unbuttoned her top. Lowering his head, he rained kisses across her neck, along her jawline, practically devouring her mouth as he reached around to unfasten her bra. Her breasts… he was quite certain he'd never seen anything more beautiful in his life, teasing her nipple with the tip of his tongue before he drew it into his mouth.

The truth was, he had no idea what he was doing. While he'd read numerous books on the subject, he'd never actually…

"Mmmm…"

Well, perhaps he was doing _something_ right.

Encouraged by Lily's reaction, he turned his attention to her other breast, sliding a hand beneath her skirt. He caressed her stomach, her thighs, holding his breath as she lifted her hips, allowing him to remove the rest of her clothing.

"Severus…" she whispered. "I want…"

"Tell me."

In response, she positioned his hand between her legs, showing him how to touch her. He mimicked her movements, rewarded with a shaky moan as he increased the friction. Her breathing grew faster, soft sounds urging him on, though of course, he didn't need any encouragement. He could've done this for the rest of his life, utterly captivated by the way she arched her back, seeking his touch. It was almost enough to make him forget about his own need, too intent on her satisfaction to focus on anything else.

"Oh god."

He'd never forget the way she looked in that moment, her face slack with pleasure as she quivered from head to toe. When she finally opened her eyes, they were hazy, unfocused, her lips curving into a small, satisfied smile.

With that, his own need returned with a vengeance. He nearly tore his robe trying to get it off, fumbling with what seemed like far too many buttons. Lily leaned forward to help him, her soft hands making him gasp as she freed him from his trousers. With that, she lay back down, offering an enticing view of herself as she parted her legs in invitation.

"Fuck," he muttered under his breath. He was already on the brink, fighting for control as he knelt between her thighs. He felt her hands sliding across his back, legs wrapping around his waist, her body stretching to accommodate him as he plunged himself inside her. She gasped, fingernails digging into his shoulders, his hips seeming to move of their own volition despite all his attempts to pace himself. He'd never imagined anything could feel so good, soft moans filling his ears as he drove himself deeper, intoxicated by the sensation of her tight, velvety heat.

"Severus…"

He groaned in response, closing his eyes as wave after wave of pleasure shuddered through him. It seemed to go on forever, yet it ended all too soon, leaving him utterly drained in the aftermath. It was all he could do just to shift to one side, pressing his face against her neck as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Are you all right?" she said, sounding faintly amused.

"I can honestly say… that I've never… been better."

"Me too. I had no idea…"

"What?" He prompted when she trailed off.

"I had no idea I could feel that way."

"You mean Potter hasn't…" 

From the moment she'd kissed him, he'd been pretending that her wretched husband didn't exist, an alternate reality that suited him just fine. Yet on the other hand, he couldn't deny his… curiosity? Or was it pride? Either way, part of him desperately wanted to believe that _he_ was the better lover.

"James really isn't interested in…"

"Pleasing you?"

"Yeah, I guess you could put it that way."

Six months of marriage and Potter had never managed to satisfy her? Severus couldn't help feeling superior, especially when he considered his own lack of experience. Unfortunately, his triumph was bittersweet, pride replaced by disgust when he thought about the implications. Clearly, the bastard didn't care if Lily enjoyed it or not. He'd rather use her for his own pleasure, as if that was the only thing that mattered.

"Your husband," he said, "is an idiot."

"Why do you say that? I mean, not that I disagree, but…"

"I could give you countless reasons, but in this case…" Severus shook his head, remembering the expression on her face when she'd lost control. Nothing, not even his own release, had been more gratifying than that.

"In _this_ case," he repeated, "He's an idiot for neglecting your needs. Any man who _wouldn't_ want to please you… that isn't mere idiocy. It's insanity."

"Really?"

Something about the way she said it… her insecurity was palpable, her confidence damaged, perhaps even destroyed by Potter's selfishness. Severus had never hated him more than he did in that moment, even as he hated himself for his own poor choices. If he hadn't alienated Lily all those years ago, if their friendship hadn't ended, maybe she wouldn't have…

No. There was no point in rehashing the past. All he had was the present.

"Really," he said. "I don't know why anyone would be stupid enough to take you for granted, but trust me when I say that Potter's failing has nothing to do with you. You are… an amazing lover. Beautiful and passionate, and…" He trailed off, feeling flustered.

Clearly, he wasn't the only one. Lily ducked her head, her cheeks turning pink.

"Thanks," she said. "You weren't too bad yourself."

He snorted. "I had no idea what I was doing. Next time…"

Of course, there was no guarantee there would even _be_ a next time. For all he knew, this was an isolated incident, a moment of weakness or perhaps even a lapse in judgment on her part. She was still married, after all, even if…

"Shit."

"What's wrong?"

"It's getting light out," she said. "I'd better go."

He lifted his head, surprised to see that the sun had risen. The candles had long since sputtered out, replaced by soft rays of light that slanted across the room.

"What will you tell him?" 

"Hopefully," she said as she reached for her clothes, "I won't have to tell him anything. He's a late sleeper."

He nodded, becoming painfully aware of his own nudity as he watched her dress. Summoning his trousers, he put them on, buttoning his shirt before he sat back down on the couch. 

"Lily…"

"Yes?"

He opened his mouth and then closed it again, his mind buzzing with questions. He wanted to know why she'd done it, what it meant and whether she regretted what had happened between them. Would this be a single occurrence or was there some small hope…

No. This newfound understanding, this… connection was far too new, as miraculous as it was fragile. He wasn't willing to test it by putting her on the spot, afraid that one wrong word might break the spell.

"You'll want to be careful," he said instead. "If Potter found out…"

"Don't worry. I have a good excuse in case I need one."

"Yes, but it isn't just that." He reached for his cloak, withdrawing a tiny sack from the inner pocket. Enlarging it with a flick of his wand, he shuffled through the potions until he found the one he was looking for.

She frowned. "What's that?"

"Contraceptive."

"Oh, I didn't even think about…"

"You'll need to take it within the next few hours."

"Might as well do it now." She uncapped the vial, her face twisting as she downed the contents. "Ugh," she sputtered as she handed him the empty flask. "That's _disgusting!_ "

"You've never had a Contraceptive Potion?"

She shook her head, conjuring a glass and filling it with water. He watched her drink, feeling sick as he considered the implications. Six months of marriage and she and Potter had never taken any precautions… was that just carelessness on his part? Or was he actively _trying_ to get her pregnant?

Either way, the result would be the same. Surely Lily knew that. The fact that she'd never attempted to prevent such an outcome… did that mean she _wanted_ to have Potter's child?

"I need to get going," she said, reaching down to put on her shoes. "I… I'll see you later, all right?"

"Of course."

He watched her leave before he put on his boots, Apparating back to Spinner's End. The drab little house was exactly the way he'd left it, right down to the half empty teacup on the bedside table. He might've believed it had all been a dream were it not for the whiff of perfume on his collar, a single red hair clinging to the front of his cloak.

Why had she done it? Perhaps he'd never know the answer to that question, though he supposed it didn't matter. He'd never regret the night they'd just spent together, even if it was the only one they were destined to share.


	7. Truth

##  **Truth**

* * *

To Lily's relief, James was still asleep when she got home. She took off her shoes before she crept upstairs, sighing in relief as she locked herself in the bathroom. 

She looked… _different_. It wasn't just her messy hair or rumpled clothes, her mouth still swollen from Severus's kisses. The change went deeper than that, something in her eyes that had never been there before. What was it? She couldn't say, still dazed by this strange new reality. To think that she'd finally had _sex_ … 

"Almost done? I need to piss."

She jumped, wondering how long she'd been staring at her reflection. Minutes? Hours? It didn't matter. As long as _he_ was out there, she had no intention of leaving the bathroom.

"Taking a bath," she said, recovering her wits somewhat. "Use the toilet downstairs."

Was it her imagination, or did she _sound_ different, too? What if he noticed? What if he saw that look in her eyes and somehow knew what it meant?

No. That was ridiculous. These were subtle cues, perhaps even nonexistent outside of her imagination. He'd be much more likely to pick up on obvious signs, like the unfamiliar, distinctly masculine scent that still clung to her clothes. 

With that thought, she quickly undressed, casting a garment cleaning charm before she filled the tub with soapy water. The bath felt heavenly, relaxing her muscles as it soothed the soreness between her legs. She wiped a spot of dried blood off her thigh, wondering what Severus had thought when he'd realized he was her first. That must've been strange, to say the least, considering that she'd been married for six months. Hadn't he wondered…

"Lils?"

This time, it was Sirius who knocked on the door. She let out a heavy sigh, biting back a sharp retort.

"Yeah?"

"We're off to Diagon Alley. Back by dinner."

"Fine."

 _Of course_ they'd be back for dinner. Wasn't that the way it usually went? They'd stop by for an hour or two, expecting her to cook for them before they headed out for another adventure. 

"Selfish gits," she muttered, waiting for the door to close before she climbed out of the tub. She cast a drying charm, relieved to have the house to herself as she finally left the bathroom.

* * *

As much as Lily wanted to confront James, she refused to do it when Sirius was around. Unfortunately, he never seemed to leave, a constant, infuriating presence she couldn't escape. He was there for breakfast. He showed back up for dinner. True, she had a few hours to herself in the evenings, but she always heard them come in, quietly fuming as she imagined what was happening across the hall.

Were they rubbing it in her face? It certainly seemed so. Now that she knew the truth, she couldn't be in the same room with them without seeing the signs. It was there in the way they looked at each other, their voices deeper, more intimate whenever they spoke. Even the way they _touched_ …

She'd always thought these were innocent gestures. Slaps on the back, arms flung around each other's shoulders… wasn't that normal for best mates? Perhaps, though she couldn't help but notice the way their hands would linger, James grazing Sirius's neck with the tips of his fingers as he pulled his arm away. 

How had she missed the obvious? Why hadn't she realized…

Realized _what?_ That her husband was a lying sack of shit? That he'd been deceiving her all along? Both of those things were true, but why was she questioning her own behavior? True, she might've been easy to manipulate, but she wasn't to blame for his actions.

"Dinner ready?"

James was standing at the foot of the stairs, his hair even messier than usual. For once, he was alone, stifling a huge yawn as he wandered into the kitchen.

She shook her head. "I haven't started it yet."

"How long will it take? Need to leave in an hour."

"I don't feel like cooking. Why don't you make yourself a sandwich?"

"Can you do it? I should really grab a shower before…"

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Make your own fucking sandwich."

"Well, you don't have to be nasty about it. I just figured since I'm the one who has plans tonight…"

Something inside her snapped, rage bubbling up like an overheated cauldron. She stormed over to the counter, gathering a few supplies before she turned to face him.

"Hungry?"

He nodded. "If you could just throw something together…"

" _Throw?_ Sure." She grabbed a fistful of meat, hurling it directly at his face.

" _Hey!_ "

"Would you like mustard on that?" She opened the jar, flinging the contents all over his jumper. "Oh yes, and mayonnaise. I'm sure you want plenty of…"

"What the bloody hell is your problem?!"

" _My_ problem? You want to know what my problem is? I'm sick of your bullshit. You do _nothing_ for me, yet you expect…"

"I don't do anything for you?" He hesitated, wiping a spot of mustard off his cheek. "Who paid for that dress you're wearing? Whose house are you living in? If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have…"

"You think I married you because I wanted a free ride?"

"I didn't say that. I only meant…"

"Oh, I know exactly what you meant."

"I didn't…" He trailed off, glancing at his stained jumper. "Look, can we talk about this later? I've really got to get a shower before Sirius…"

"Sirius?" The name was like a trigger. She narrowed her eyes, moving to block him as he tried to leave the kitchen. "Oh, yes. Let's talk about Sirius."

"What's your problem with him?"

"Only the fact that he's buggering my husband."

James recovered quickly, but not before she saw a flash of panic in his eyes. He shook his head, making another attempt to move past her.

"That is the most ridiculous…"

"Oh, give it up! I _saw_ you with him. I opened the door to your room and the two of you were… well, let's just say you were a bit _preoccupied_."

"That's impossible."

"Not if you're so drunk that you forget to cast a Muffliato," she said. "That's how I found out, you know. I heard noises from across the hall, and I…"

"You _spied_ on us?"

" _Spied on you?_ Bloody hell, James, I thought you were having a nightmare! I went to check on you, assuming that was what a _wife_ should do! To accuse me of…"

"All right," he said, sinking into the closest chair. "I'm sorry, all right? I… I never meant for you to find out."

"So you thought you could cheat on me and keep me in the dark about it? That's nice."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want to know why you did it."

"Me and Sirius… we just…"

"No," she interrupted. "I want to know why you married me. Why did you fool me into thinking you were in love with me?"

"I _do_ love…"

"Liar. _Tell me why you did it._ "

"Lily, I…" He hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh. "I _had_ to get married. I couldn't carry on the bloodline without…"

"So you married me for my breeding potential. Nice."

"Isn't that the way it usually works? People get married because they want kids."

She shook her head. "Marriage is about love… two people caring for each other so much that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Having a family can be part of that, but it isn't the only reason. Or at least, it wasn't for me."

"I know, but…"

"But you already knew that, didn't you?" she continued. "That's why you made me believe…"

"What else was I supposed to do? My parents…"

"Why didn't you just tell them the truth? I mean, it's not like you're the only wizard who's ever fancied boys. I'm sure they would've understood."

"No," he said, sounding genuinely pained. "They wouldn't have. You don't know the pressure of being born into a family like mine. Any pureblood family, really, but especially mine. Our legacy goes back for centuries, Lily. If I don't figure out a way to continue it, the name dies with me."

"Okay, I won't argue with that, but it doesn't explain the deception. Why did you do it, James? Why did you act like you were in love with me?"

"Because if you'd known the truth, you would've never gone through with it."

"No," she agreed, "but it's not like I was the only option. Plenty of girls would've been happy to marry you for other reasons. Wealth. Family connections. Whatever. It's not like you had to lie to find a wife – surely you must've realized that."

"Yeah, but…"

"But you pursued me. Spent years trying to wear me down, even when I obviously wasn't interested. Why did you do that?"

"You're quite charming." He hesitated, clearly at a loss. "Beautiful, too."

She shook her head. "I wasn't the only one who was beautiful or charming. Besides, why did it matter what I looked like? You're obviously not attracted to girls."

"A pretty wife's still better than an ugly one." He shrugged. "Anyway, I enjoyed the challenge."

"The challenge of winning me over?" She hesitated, suddenly feeling sick. "Or the challenge of winning me away from Severus?"

James didn't respond. He didn't need to. The truth was written all over his face, a flash of disgust swiftly followed by triumph.

"You… you did it on _purpose!_ "

"He wanted to be a Death Eater, Lily. Have you forgotten that?"

"He was my _friend!_ " she shouted, her eyes filling with tears. "My closest friend, and you took him from me! You made me _believe_ …"

"I didn't _make_ you do anything. You were glad for an excuse to be rid of him."

"That isn't true! If you'd just left us alone…"

"What's done is done." James shrugged, leaning back in his chair. "Can't we put it behind us?"

" _Put it behind us?!_ After what you _did?_ Can't you see how wrong…"

"It wasn't wrong," he interrupted. "Snape was a wretched person, not to mention a terrible influence on you. You should be glad…"

"How do you know what kind of person he was? You never knew him! Never _tried_ to get to know him. You decided to hate him right from that first day on the train, just because he wanted to be in Slytherin!"

"Isn't that reason enough?"

" _No!_ No, it isn't! He only wanted that because of his family, the same reason _you_ were desperate to be in Gryffindor!"

"What about the Dark magic?"

"You mean the Dark magic he learned from his mother? She was his only magical influence!"

"Why are you making excuses for him?"

"I'm not! Trust me, he knew I didn't like that stuff. My point is…" She hesitated, struggling for composure. "You never gave him a chance. No one did. Really, it's no wonder he started hanging around those awful people. The way you bullied him…"

"Are you expecting me to apologize?" James shook his head. "Well, I won't. He was a shit person who deserved everything he got. Honestly, he's lucky I even bothered to save his life."

"You did that to protect Sirius and Remus."

"Yeah, well, he's still alive because of me. I don't owe him a bloody thing."

"It's not about owing people," she said, fighting back another round of tears. "It's choosing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Can't you see how different it might've been if you'd at least _tried_ …"

"Tried being nice to him?" James snorted. "He would've hexed me the minute my back was turned."

"Fine. Can I ask you one more question?"

"What?"

"Did you _ever_ stop hurting him?"

"I did when we left Hogwarts."

"So seventh year, when you told me you'd leave him alone…"

James hesitated, then shrugged. "He deserved it."

"Yeah," she said bitterly. "That's what I thought you'd say."

* * *

_"I need to see you."_

Lily watched her Patronus take flight, pacing the kitchen as she waited for a response. Had she sent it too early? She hoped not. She'd hate to catch Severus at some inopportune moment, putting both of them at risk.

Still, she was desperate to see him. She waited another 10 minutes, anxiety gnawing at her insides as she stared out the window. Would he send his Patronus? Or would he just show up like he'd done at the cottage?

Either option was fine with her. She just needed to see that he was safe and well, needed to know that everything was okay between them.

She needed _him_.

It didn't make sense. Up until a week ago, he hadn't even been part of her life. They'd gone from friends to strangers, hadn't talked in years other than that night in the alley. How had he become so important to her so quickly? Why did it feel like he was the center of her world, the only thing that was keeping her sane?

Because they'd never _been_ strangers.

She'd tried to separate herself from him. All those years ago, she'd given him up as a lost cause, telling herself that the Severus she'd known was gone. But had she ever believed it? Not really. Deep down, she'd never stopped loving him, hoping there was some small chance they might be reconciled someday.

Now that come back into her life? Well, maybe her need for him _did_ make sense. All those years of thinking and hoping, missing him far more than she was ever willing to admit…

She lost her train of thought, her eyes widening as a dark shadow separated itself from the trees. In an instant, she knew that it was him, his robes billowing in the breeze as he approached the house with slow, cautious footsteps.

Asking him to come _here_ of all places? He must've wondered if she'd gone insane. Still, he was willing to take the risk, lowering his hood as she ushered him inside. 

"You've been crying," he observed, his brow furrowed. "Why?"

"I hate my husband."

"We have that in common, it seems. What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Can we just… pretend he doesn't exist?"

"That _does_ happen to be one of my favorite pastimes," Severus said, his lips twitching. "He lives here, however, making it rather more difficult to ignore his existence. If he should return…"

She shook her head. "Full moon. He won't be back anytime soon."

"Ah. Out with the werewolf?"

"Yep."

He nodded, scanning the room before he returned his attention to her. The longing in his eyes was unmistakable, her breath coming a little faster as she closed the distance between them.

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to… you know…"

"For future reference," he said, his voice a silky murmur as he pulled her against him. "I _always_ want to."

She shivered, moaning low in her throat as his mouth covered hers. This was what passion was _supposed_ to feel like, worlds apart from the tepid affection she'd received from James. Severus seemed like he wanted to devour her, his kisses almost brutal as he slid a hand up her thigh.

"Wait," she said, forcing herself to take a step backward. "Let's go upstairs."

She led him to her room, leaving him to sit on the bed as she locked and warded the door. She turned around to find him watching her, his dark eyes glittering beneath the candlelight as she slipped out of her dress.

"Shall I take off the rest?"

"Please."

She nodded, reaching back to unfasten her bra. Tossing it aside, she slid her underwear off, removing the clip from her hair so it tumbled down her back.

"Your turn," she said, amused by how swiftly he managed to undress. His boots hit the floor, followed by his trousers, robe, and undershirt. The only thing left were his shorts, his erection straining against the thin fabric.

"Those, too."

"Right." Hastily, he took them off, his eyes meeting hers as he awaited her next instruction. 

"Lie down."

How had she ended up in charge? She didn't know, but she certainly wasn't complaining. On the contrary, she'd never felt more powerful, more beautiful, holding his gaze as she placed her knees on the foot of the bed. Slowly, she crawled up the length of his body, not stopping until they were face to face.

"Severus," she whispered. "I want…"

"Tell me."

"I want to please you."

He made a strange noise, caught somewhere between a whimper and a groan. She murmured in response, kissing him slow and deep. Finally, she released his mouth, bringing her lips to the side of his neck. She teased his ear with the tip of her tongue, feeling him shiver as she moved lower, raining kisses across his chest and stomach.

Of course, she didn't intend on stopping there. She rose to kneel between his thighs, his eyes snapping open as he realized what she was doing. He cursed under his breath, burying his hands in her hair as she drew him into her mouth.

She'd tried this once with James, but again, Severus couldn't have been more different. He was fully aroused, unmistakably hard, groaning helplessly as she took him deeper, as deep as she could manage. She followed his wordless cues, mimicking the rhythm he set as he lifted his hips, thrusting gently into her mouth. By then, he was panting, releasing her hair to claw at the sheets.

"Lily," he rasped as she picked up momentum. "I can't…"

The rest of his words were lost, but she caught his meaning. Releasing him from her mouth, she shifted onto her hands and knees, kissing him fiercely as she guided him inside her.

"Severus…"

His only response was a shuddering groan, his hands skimming the length of her body. He kept his eyes fixed on hers, his expression mesmerized as she lifted her hips, bringing them down again and again with soft cries of pleasure. She didn't think it could get any better… not until his fingers delved between her thighs, rubbing her in slow, deliberate circles.

She moved faster, whimpering as he increased the friction. "Please," she gasped, her fingernails digging into his chest. "Don't stop."

"Never."

With that, he applied more pressure, her eyes squeezing shut as wave after wave of pleasure shuddered through her. When she opened them again, her head was resting on his shoulder, her body utterly sated. Only then did she realize that he wasn't quite finished. He lifted his hips, easing himself in and out of her, his expression a strange mixture of agony and bliss.

"I love you."

She hadn't meant to say it. Hadn't even realized she felt that way until the words left her mouth. Either way, the effect was instantaneous, his body jerking like he'd just been hit by a Stunner. She felt him pulsing inside her, muttering something that might've been her name as his body went limp.

"What you said…"

"I love you?"

"Did… did you mean it?"

"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't."

"I…" He closed his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. "You must know that I…"

"That you love me, too?"

"I always have. I'm just sorry that…"

Shaking her head, she pressed her fingers to his lips. "No apologies. Whatever happened or who was at fault, we can't change the past. All we have…"

"Is now," he finished for her.

She nodded, tracing the angular lines of his face. "Severus?"

"Yes, love?"

"What are we going to do?"

He let out a heavy sigh. "I don't know."

"If I left James…"

"Don't do that. Not yet."

"Why not? Surely you don't _want_ me to stay married."

"Trust me, that's the _last_ thing I want. However, your union with Potter offers certain… protections. He's a pureblood from an ancient family, one that the Dark Lord still hopes to win to his side."

"That will never happen."

"Perhaps not, but he doesn't know that. As long as he believes there's a chance, he won't strike out against you. Of course, it doesn't help that both of you are fighting for the Order now, but …"

"He knows?"

"He knows. You'll want to be extremely careful."

"I'm not going to stop fighting for the Order, if that's what you're suggesting."

"No," Severus said. "I know you too well to suggest anything of the sort. I'm only asking you to avoid unnecessary risks."

"Like sneaking Death Eaters into my bedroom?"

Lily cringed, worried she might've offended him. Instead, he snorted, his lips twitching.

"I suppose _one_ is acceptable. Any more than that? No, I wouldn't recommend it."

"Severus?"

"Hmmm?"

"Could you stop?"

"Stop what?"

"You know… being a Death Eater."

He shook his head. "It isn't that simple. Those who try to leave… you can't imagine the things he does to them, nor do I have any wish to describe them to you."

"You've seen it?"

He inclined his head, his expression grim.

"But if the Order could help you, hide you…"

"Even if they could," he said, "why would they?"

"I'd vouch for you. I'd tell them…"

"It wouldn't _matter_ what you told them. They'd assume I'd manipulated you, fooled you into believing I'd had a change of heart so I could gain access to the Order and all its secrets. No doubt Potter would reinforce that belief, aided by his despicable friends."

"You're right," she said quietly. "We don't have a lot of options, do we?"

He shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh. "All we can do is wait for the war to end. If your side wins and I can avoid being killed or winding up in Azkaban…"

"What if the other side wins?"

"Then I'll claim you as my reward."

"Your _reward?_ That is the most degrading…"

"Degrading or not, I could offer you protection. Without that…"

He didn't finish. Didn't need to, really. She'd often imagined what her life would be like under Voldemort's regime, each version more terrifying than the last.

"I wouldn't stop fighting. You know that, right? Even if the other side wins…"

"I know," he interrupted, "which is why you and the Order must make sure that doesn't happen."

"You mean you _want_ us to win?"

"If you'd asked me that question six months ago…" Severus hesitated, turning his head to stare out the window. "Now? Yes, I suppose I do. Whatever it takes to keep you safe… that's what I want."

She nuzzled his neck, caressing his face with the tips of her fingers. Slowly, he turned his head, muttering something unintelligible as his mouth found hers. Only then did she realize that he was still inside her, feeling him swell within her as his kisses grew deeper, more urgent. He shifted her onto her back, his hips rocking in a slow, languorous rhythm, warm breath making her shiver as he whispered in her ear.

"I love you. Whatever happens…"

"I know," she said, her hands sliding up to caress his back. "I love you, too."

With that, she gave herself over to the sensations, every nerve ending in her body begging for his touch. Awareness only returned in the aftermath, her stomach twisting in knots as she spotted a ray of sunlight slanting across the bed.

"Shit."

"What's wrong?" Severus opened his eyes, sucking in a sharp breath as he glanced at the window. He launched himself off the bed, scrambling for his clothes. In less than a minute, he was fully dressed, dropping a vial in her lap as he reached for his cloak.

"Someone's here!" she hissed. "They're coming up the stairs!"

"Fuck! Should I go out the window?"

She shook her head. "Someone might see you!"

He scanned the room, looking as panicked as she felt. "Apparition?"

"The house is warded against it. No Floo either except the one downstairs."

"What the bloody hell am I supposed to…"

They both jumped as someone knocked on the door, though Lily knew it wasn't James. The sound was far too timid, echoed by a squeaky voice.

"Lily? You in there?"

"Morning, Peter," she said, doing her best to sound casual. "I'd open the door, but I'm not dressed. Total starkers, actually. What did you need?"

She heard him shuffling his feet, a clear sign of his embarrassment. "Um, Prongs wanted me to tell you…"

"Yes?"

"He's decided to take a short holiday. Sent me back to check on you and grab a few clothes."

"A holiday?" she said, unable to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. "How nice."

"Yeah, we're going up to Manchester. Thought we'd…"

"Peter?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't care."

She heard a snicker behind her, rolling her eyes as she glanced back at Severus. He was standing by the window, his hand hovering near his wand.

"Yes, well…" Peter hesitated, followed by more shuffling. "Guess I'll be on my way then."

"Bye!"

Silently, they waited, listening to Peter as he rustled around in James's room. Finally, she heard the sound of his feet on the stairs, the front door opening and closing with a soft click.

"He has access to your home?" Severus said, finally daring to speak again.

"They all do."

"Why would you permit…"

"I wasn't given any choice in the matter."

He sat down on the bed, his mouth pressed into a tight line. "If you were _my_ wife…"

"If I was your wife," she prompted when he trailed off. "What would you do?"

"I wouldn't leave you to go on holiday with my mates. I wouldn't be off drinking at the pub every night, and we _certainly_ wouldn't be sleeping in separate bedrooms. You'd be beside me each night, the first thing I thought of every morning. I'd never neglect you, I'd…"

"You'd love me."

"Always."

She leaned her head against his chest, resisting the urge to cry. "I wish…"

"I know."

With that, he kissed her goodbye, slipping from the house like a ghost as she downed the potion he'd given her.


	8. Risks

##  **Risks**

* * *

Oddly enough, James decided to skip the holiday. He returned later that evening, greeting Lily with a peck on the cheek as he joined her for dinner.

"Change of plans?"

"Yeah." He paused, swallowing a mouthful of chicken. "Figured it would be better if I came home."

"Why?"

"Didn't seem fair, leaving you here by yourself."

"Oh, please. Like you've ever given a toss…"

"No," he interrupted. "I haven't. But after what happened last night…"

Lily froze, picturing herself lying in Severus's arms. Was _that_ why James had come back? Granted, it _would_ explain his strange behavior, but how could he have possibly known…

"Last night?" she echoed, struggling to keep the tremor out of her voice.

"I don't like fighting with you. Besides…"

The fight. _Of course_. She forced herself to relax, taking a sip of tea to settle her stomach.

"Go on."

"Besides, you did have a point. I haven't been a very good husband, have I?"

"Oh, I don't know," she said, not bothering to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. "Other than the lying and cheating, the way you manipulated me into believing…"

"I'm sorry, all right?"

"Yeah? Well, you bloody well should be."

"Lily, please." He hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh. "Look, I can't change the past. Can't change who I am either, but that doesn't mean we can't make this work."

"Make this _work?_ " She stared at him, dumbfounded. " _How?_ "

"We could spend more time together. That would be a start, wouldn't it? Maybe if I treated you better, really made an effort this time…"

"What about Sirius?"

"I've already asked him to stay away."

"James…" Lily sighed, burying her head in her hands. She wanted to tell him that it was already too late, demand an annulment and put an end to this farce. But it wasn't that simple, was it?

_"Surely you don't _want_ me to stay married."_

_"Trust me, that's the last thing I want. However, your union with Potter offers certain… protections."_

Were it not for Severus, she would've been happy to take the risk. Even now, she was tempted, though she couldn't disregard the fear she'd seen in his eyes, nor the strain she'd heard in his voice when he'd urged her to stay with James. James bloody Potter, of all people…

"Lily?"

Besides, it wasn't like she had a lot of options. If she left, she'd have no money and nowhere else to live. Where would she go? What would she do? It wasn't as if she could just move in with Severus. He was even more trapped than she was, bound by a different sort of vow. He'd try to protect her, no doubt, but that could easily mean blowing his cover, exposing them both to Voldemort's wrath.

She couldn't do that. Not to him. With any luck, the war would soon be over and they'd be free to do as they liked, but until then…

"Fine."

"Really?"

She nodded. "Doesn't mean I forgive you for what you did, but what's done is done. Let's just… try to move forward."

"Fair enough."

A year ago, James's lopsided smile would've made her heart flutter. Now she felt nothing, resisting the urge to cringe as he reached out to squeeze her hand. She pulled it away, their wedding bands reminding her of tiny shackles as she rose to clear the dishes.

"Right," he said. "Guess I'll grab a shower."

He didn't offer to help. Of course not. For all his determination to be a better husband, it obviously hadn't occurred to him that he should do his share of the housework. He left it to her instead, humming to himself as he left the kitchen.

"Prat."

She cast a flurry of cleaning charms, still scowling as she stacked the dishes in the cupboard. Finally, she extinguished the lights, stifling a huge yawn as she trudged upstairs to her bedroom.

"James?!"

"Told you I wanted to make this work, didn't I?" He set his glasses on the nightstand, removing his shoes before he reached up to unbutton his shirt. To her horror, he even took off his trousers, clad in nothing but briefs as he stretched out on the bed. "Figured it would help if we stopped sleeping in separate rooms."

"You _really_ don't have to…"

"Sure I do. I'm your husband, aren't I?"

"I don't mind sleeping alone."

"Yeah, well…" He turned on his side, snuggling deeper into the covers. "If we're ever going to have children…"

 _Children?_ She bit back a sharp retort, shaking her head as she retrieved a nightgown from the dresser. What a presumptuous ass he was, assuming she'd even _consider_ such a thing.

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you doing this?"

He shrugged. "Because I don't want to lose you."

Under normal circumstances, perhaps he would've agreed to let her go. He could've found someone else, taking the time to groom them as he'd done with her. But with a war raging outside, time was a luxury he might not have. He must've realized that, afraid of losing what might very well be his only chance to carry on the Potter name.

That had to be why he'd come back early, why he was determined to make amends. She was still useful to him… assuming he could get her pregnant. 

"So you still want to have…"

"A baby?" he finished for her. "Of course. Several if we can manage it."

 _Several?!_ Her mouth fell open, her body giving an involuntary shudder. Did he honestly think she would let him use her that way, bearing child after child for a man she didn't love?

"James…"

She trailed off, fully recognizing her dilemma. James's determination to stay married revolved around the possibility of her getting pregnant. If she took that away, he'd have no reason not to divorce her. That would place both her and Severus in an impossible predicament, one that could easily end in disaster.

Of course, there was _one_ thing that might still work in her favor…

"Fine," she said. "Let's get started."

She didn't miss the flicker of panic in James's eyes, resisting the urge to smile as she pulled her jumper over her head. Tossing it aside, she unbuttoned her jeans, shivering as the cool night air danced across her skin.

_"Shall I take off the rest?"_

_"Please."_

She didn't voice that question aloud, nor was it James who responded. It was Severus's voice she heard in her mind, soft and strained with desire. She could still picture him lying in her bed, dark eyes watching her hungrily as she reached back to unfasten her bra.

Of course, James's reaction couldn't have been more different. He kept his eyes fixed on the wall, his body tensing as she dropped onto the mattress beside him.

"It's all right," she said, her voice thick with sarcasm. "You can look now."

She'd chosen her most modest nightgown, her body covered from neck to ankle in thick flannel. It was enough to set him at ease, which of course, was exactly what she'd intended. She waited for him to turn his head in her direction, giving him a second to relax before she yanked the nightgown up to her waist. 

"Ready?" she said, parting her thighs in mock invitation.

She lay there fully exposed, wondering what she would do if he called her bluff. Time seemed to stand still until finally, he shook his head, stifling a yawn that was even more contrived than her willingness to have sex.

"Wow," he said. "I'm more tired than I thought."

"Want me to get on top?" She shifted onto her side, lifting one leg as if to drape it over his hips. "You can just lie there and let me do all the work."

His eyes widened, his body tensing like he was getting ready to bolt from the room. Instead, he rolled away from her, his body teetering precariously on the edge of the bed.

"Not tonight, okay? I really am bloody exhausted."

Six months ago, she would've been stung by his rejection. Now she took comfort in it, knowing she wouldn't have to worry about getting pregnant anytime soon.

"Fair enough," she said. "Why don't we get some sleep?"

* * *

Lily didn't have to worry about rejecting James. Her feigned willingness was enough to hold him off, his eyes darting around like a scared rabbit whenever she joined him in bed. Still, he returned each night, clearly determined to sleep beside her.

She'd tried stripping down to her underwear, hoping that would send him back to his room. When that didn't work, she'd come to bed naked, not bothering to cover herself with a blanket. He'd pretended to be asleep, his muscles tensing as she leaned over to whisper in his ear.

"Wanna shag?"

She relied on assertiveness, the one thing that was guaranteed to make him recoil. Unfortunately, it was a flawed strategy, one that failed her when she happened to fall asleep.

"What are you…"

"Shh! Just… lie still. I've almost got…"

She felt him then, horrified to discover that he was relatively hard as he rubbed against her from behind. Why had she thought it was a good idea to sleep naked? Her lack of clothing gave him easy access, panic rising in her throat as she felt him probing between her thighs.

Her first instinct was to jerk away. Instead, she shifted onto her back, taking his hand and placing it on her breast.

"I could use a bit of a warm up," she told him. "You don't mind, do you?"

"Lily, I…" He gave her breast a halfhearted squeeze, sighing as he pulled his hand away. "I can't. Not like this."

"Oh, I see. You'd rather just shove it in and get it over with."

"No, that's not…"

He didn't need to finish. His actions spoke for themselves, a late night erection combined with Lily in her most passive, nonthreatening state. If she'd just lain there, he might've been able to fuck her. He could've closed his eyes and pretended she was someone else, praying she wouldn't move or speak or do anything that made him remember who she was.

 _Fuck_. There was no other word for what he'd attempted to do. What he wanted was to use her body, disregarding the needs of her heart, her mind, her soul. Did it matter that he had every reason to believe she was a virgin? Of course not. He wouldn't have cared if he hurt her, just as he wasn't bothered by the idea of her suffering to bear children she might not even want.

"Where you going?"

"Bathroom."

She headed for the dresser, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt. Resisting the urge to put on several more layers, she hurried to the bathroom, casting a Muffliato before she burst into tears.

It wasn't James's callousness that upset her. No, it was the fact that she hadn't seen it sooner, that she'd been foolish enough to marry him in the first place.

Now she was stuck in that marriage, bound to a man who wanted to use her, abuse her, a cruel combination of deception and manipulation and unfortunate circumstance. Without him, she'd have no resources or protection, no option but to put the man she loved at risk.

What was she supposed to do? If she left James, she'd be endangering Severus from _both_ sides. It wasn't as if she could count on the Order to shield him. James would make sure that didn't happen, insisting that Severus was working as a spy. If Lily tried to argue? He'd claim she'd been Confunded, perhaps even Imperiused.

But it wasn't just that. 

_"I enjoyed the challenge."_

_"The challenge of winning me over? Or the challenge of winning me away from Severus?"_

He'd chosen Lily as his target, determined to drive her and Severus apart. That was why he'd worked so hard to convince her that he loved her, why he'd made such an effort to hide his bad behavior. He'd done that with the intention of hurting Severus as much as humanly possible, wounds that went far deeper than all those years of hexes and insults.

Even when he'd accomplished what he'd set out to do? He hadn't been satisfied. It didn't matter that he'd broken Severus's heart, depriving him of the only person he'd truly loved. He'd still felt the need to cause him further pain, striking out against him whenever he could get away with it.

_"Seventh year, when you told me you'd leave him alone…"_

_"He deserved it."_

That was a testament to his cruelty, a deep, irrational hatred Lily couldn't begin to understand. That hatred hadn't faded in the short time since they'd left Hogwarts. It still burned within him like a disease, ready to flare up at the slightest provocation. If she turned to the Order, revealing her relationship with Severus, what would James say? What would he do when he realized that Lily, the prize he'd worked so hard to steal, had been reclaimed?

More importantly, what would _Severus_ do? If he attempted to switch sides, pitting both Voldemort and the Order against him, how could he possibly hope to defend himself? James would have the freedom to hunt him down, torture him or even kill him outright without any fear of consequences. 

That was the irony of their situation, a cold, hard truth she hadn't fully recognized until now. His supposed loyalty to Voldemort was the only protection he had, the one thing that stood between them and disaster.

For that reason, she _had_ to stay married. She had to keep her relationship with Severus a secret while pretending m she was willing to give James what he wanted. So far, she'd found ways to put him off without outright refusing, but that couldn't last forever. What if she awoke one night to find him already inside her? 

Even if he couldn't manage that, there were other ways. He was probably too ignorant to know about artificial insemination or other Muggle options, but the magical world had them, too. If he decided to research the subject, he'd find plenty of ways to make her conceive, at least two of which didn't even require penetration.

If that happened? She'd _truly_ be fucked.

* * *

Over the next few weeks, James made several more attempts to have sex with Lily. He tried getting drunk before bed, attempting to stimulate himself for several agonizing minutes. He was still clutching himself when he passed out, his body reeking of cheap Muggle whiskey.

"Revolting," Lily whispered as she climbed out of bed. She went downstairs and curled up on the couch, grateful that for once, she wouldn't have to worry what might happen when she fell asleep.

Unfortunately, that didn't last. The next night, James came to bed sober, falling asleep in a matter of minutes. He was still asleep when she felt him tugging at her knickers, clearly in the throes of some erotic dream. 

"Mmm, Sirius…"

" _I'm not Sirius!_ "

Her furious whisper jarred him awake, his eyes widening as he looked down at himself. He was fully erect, harder than she'd ever seen him, his voice trembling with unfulfilled need.

"Wow," he said. "Maybe we can…"

This time was different. She quickly realized that, shocked as he reached out to fumble with her breast. He stroked himself with his other hand, obviously too far gone to care who she was. Before she could register what was happening, he'd eased her back onto her side, making another attempt to slide her underwear down over her hips.

"Wait," she said. 

"For what?"

"Um… it's that time of the month. I mean, if you still want to, we can, but…"

She didn't need to finish. He'd already pulled away, still touching himself as he moved to the other side of the bed. He didn't even notice when she left the room, shutting herself in the bathroom with a sigh of relief.

* * *

"You know," James said a few days later. "Maybe we should try aphrodisiacs."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not? Wouldn't it make things easier?"

"Yes, but…" She hesitated, glad her knowledge of potions was far superior to his. "Are you sure you want to take that risk?"

"What risk?"

"You know, the dragon's blood."

"Dragon's blood?"

"Don't you remember that essay we wrote in sixth year?"

"Probably had Peter write it for me," he said with a shrug. "Anyway, what's wrong with dragon's blood?"

"Nothing if it comes from a Hungarian Horntail. Any other breed? There's a 50/50 chance the potion will have the opposite effect."

"So? If it doesn't work, we're no worse off than we were before."

"I guess not," she said, "as long as you don't mind waiting a few months before you can… you know…"

" _Months?!_ "

"Usually, yeah. I did read about a couple cases where it took years, but…"

"Nevermind," he said hastily. "We'll figure something else out."

* * *

Lily found countless ways to avoid having sex with James. Avoiding him in general? That was another matter entirely. He rarely left her side these days, even accompanying her on morning walks or the occasional trip to Diagon Alley.

Why? Was he still afraid she'd leave him? Or did he think that the close proximity would somehow make him more attracted to her? The latter seemed ridiculous, though to be fair, he _was_ desperate to get her pregnant. That was all he talked about anymore, increasingly obsessed with his numerous failures.

"What about Polyjuice?"

"What about it?"

"If you looked like Sirius…"

"That's insulting," she said. "Besides, it wouldn't work. I'd have male anatomy, remember?"

"Yeah," he said, his expression wistful. "Well, what about a glamour? Or maybe you could hit me with a Blinding Hex, or…"

"Ouch."

"I'm not trying to be rude. Really, I'm not. But if this is ever going to work…"

"Hey," she interrupted, "why don't you go to the pub tonight?"

"The _pub?_ " He blinked, obviously thrown by the change of subject.

"Yeah," she said. "It's been a while since you've seen your friends. Who knows? Maybe that would help."

"How could that possibly…"

"I think you've been putting too much pressure on yourself. If you could just relax, you know, have a bit of fun…"

"Right, I guess that makes sense."

She flashed him a brilliant smile, exhilarated by the thought of having an evening to herself. Unfortunately, her plan backfired spectacularly. He invited all three Marauders over for dinner, leaving her the unenviable job of cooking for them before they roped her into several games of Exploding Snaps. As soon as they left, he followed her upstairs, his expression filled with contentment as he crawled into bed beside her.

"You were right," he told her as he drifted off to sleep. "That was exactly what I needed."

* * *

" _I miss you, Severus._ "

" _I miss you, too,_ " the Patronus said as it appeared in the bathroom. " _When can I see you?_ "

_"Whenever I can get away from James."_

" _He's keeping close tabs on you these days. Are you sure he doesn't know?_ "

" _About us? How could he? Anyway, it has nothing to do with that. He's…_ Lily hesitated, deciding it was best not to tell him that James was trying to get her pregnant. _I guess he's trying to fix our marriage. Trying to be more attentive, you know, be a better husband. I guess that's better than him ignoring me, but he takes it too far. I feel like I can't even have an hour or two to myself._ "

" _Why don't you slip him something?_ "

" _Severus! I'm not going to poison him!_ "

" _Of course not… though do let me know if you ever change your mind. For now, I'm merely suggesting a sleeping potion. Something that will knock him out for the evening. Nothing that will harm him, I assure you._ "

" _What do you suggest?_ "

" _I suggest_ ," Severus responded, " _that you check the rear garden_."

_"When?"_

_"Give me an hour."_

* * *

_"Did you give him the potion?"_

_"Yes. Worked like a charm."_

_"Of course it did. I brewed it myself."_

Lily stared down at the Patronus, her lips twitching. _"How quickly can you get here?"_

_"I've already arrived."_

She threw a cloak over her shoulders before she slipped out the back door, her heart pounding as she hurried toward the rear garden. A tall figure separated itself from the shadows, a sharply inhaled breath reaching her ears as she drew near.

"Severus…"

He swept her into his arms, kissing her fiercely. It was the first time they'd seen each other in nearly two months, August heat replaced by an early October chill. At the moment, she hardly noticed the cold, the heat from his body wrapping around her like a blanket.

"Kiss me again."

Without hesitation, he obeyed, his arousal blatantly obvious as he pressed himself against her. Before she realized what she was doing, she had his trousers unzipped, using her other hand to unfasten her cloak.

"Are you sure we should…"

"Probably not," she whispered. "But if you can be quick about it…"

" _Muffliato_."

He yanked up her nightgown, tossing her underwear aside as he backed her against the fence. She hadn't realized he could be so aggressive, gasping as he lifted her off the ground. There was nothing to do but submit, her legs wrapped tight around his waist as he plunged himself inside her. His thrusts were hard and swift, almost brutal in their intensity, making her quiver from head to toe as she clung to him in the darkness.

"God, Severus…"

"Too much?" he managed to rasp out.

"No. Don't stop. I…"

She trailed off on a whimper, wave after wave of pleasure shuddering through her. He finished soon thereafter, a low groan emerging from somewhere deep in his chest as he buried his face in her hair.

"I have to go," she said as soon as they'd both had a chance to recover. "I'm sorry I can't…"

"Don't apologize. Here, take this."

He handed her a vial, retrieving her cloak from the ground and wrapping it around her shoulders.

"I'll see you soon," she whispered, rising up on her tiptoes to kiss him goodbye.

"I hope so."

* * *

Fortunately, James had no idea that Lily had given him sleeping potion. He remained clueless, giving her the courage to dose him again a few days later.

"Severus?"

"I'm here."

This time, he'd spread his cloak on the ground, the pitch dark of a moonless night shielding them from view. That darkness created an illusion of safety, her senses dominated by the sound of his voice, the smell of his skin, the exquisite feeling of him moving inside her, filling her completely. She forgot about the rest of the world, at least for a while, moaning softly in response to his slow, deep thrusts.

She wanted to stay like that forever, or at least for the next few hours. James wouldn't be waking up anytime soon, and besides…

"Fuck."

There was an edge to Severus's voice, one that had nothing to do with his state of arousal. He let out a low hiss, his muscles tensing as his hips grew still.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm being summoned."

She expected him to withdraw. Instead, he started moving again, filled with a newfound sense of urgency. She heard him curse under his breath, pleasure mingled with pain, his body slick with sweat until finally, _finally_ …

" _Fuck!_ "

His pain seemed to recede, at least for the moment, his relief almost palpable as he slumped against her. She held him close, desperate to make the most of the few precious minutes they had left.

"Bloody hell," he said, lifting his head to glare at his forearm.

"You'd better go."

"I don't want to."

"I know."

"Oh," he said, withdrawing a vial from the pocket of his cloak. "I almost forgot."

She swallowed the contraceptive potion, resisting the urge to cry as she watched him dress. One quick kiss and he was gone, leaving her no choice but to carry on with the life she'd been trying so hard to forget.

* * *

Just before Halloween, an owl swooped through the window. Lily unfurled the message with a flick of her wrist, her eyes widening as she read what it contained.

"What's that?" James said as he wandered into the room.

"It says that You-Know-Who's headquarters have been located. The Order is gathering for an ambush."

"Where?"

"Do you remember that house? The old abandoned one where he tried to recruit us?"

" _That's_ where he's been hiding?"

"I guess so."

She handed him the note, not surprised when his eyes lit up with excitement. It had been months since they'd done any work for the Order, both of them desperate to feel useful.

"Bloody fantastic!"

"Well," she said, "I wouldn't say that."

"Why not?" 

Obviously, she couldn't tell him the truth. What would he say if he knew she was worried about Severus, terrified that she'd end up fighting against him? Of course, she'd never hurt him intentionally, but if he was wearing a mask…

"I just…" She hesitated, giving her head a little shake. "I hope none of us get hurt."

"Oh, some of us will," James said almost cheerfully. "You can be sure of that. Anyway, you know what this means, don't you?"

"What's that?"

"If Dumbledore knows where they're hiding, we might be able to put an end to this bloody war."

For the first time, Lily began to feel excited, too. Just to imagine what that would mean, the freedom she would have if Voldemort was defeated? She'd be able to annul her marriage, free to move on with her life however she saw fit. She could even get a job, without having to worry that her Muggleborn status would limit her options or place her in danger. She'd be able to rent a little flat, perhaps even move in with Severus.

Severus…

If they both survived, she'd find a way to free him, too. She'd plead with Dumbledore if she had to, or… well, she'd just have to figure it out when the time came. Either way, there was one thing she knew for certain: he sure as hell wasn't going to Azkaban.

"Ready?" James said.

She nodded, reaching for her cloak. "Let's go."

* * *

Unlike last time, they didn't Apparate directly to the house. Dumbledore had instructed the Order to meet at a safe distance, their presence concealed by a thicket of trees.

"Welcome," he said. "I presume that all of you are ready to fight?"

"Hell yes!"

"Thank you, Mr. Black. I appreciate your enthusiasm."

Sirius smirked, moving to stand next to James. "Good to see you, mate."

"You, too."

"I watch your back, you watch mine?"

"Of course."

"Actually," Dumbledore said, "I'll need all of you to split up. I've had no indication that Lord Voldemort is aware of our plans, but we can't be too careful. He'll likely have sentries positioned around the house – we'll want to make sure they're incapacitated so they won't be able to warn him of our approach."

"Incapacitate?" James said. "You don't want us to kill them?"

"If it's a matter of your life or theirs, then do what you must. If it's possible to spare them, however, I'd prefer that you do so."

"Filthy Death Eaters," Sirius grumbled. "Why shouldn't we…"

"Because," Lily said, effectively cutting him off. "They're more valuable to us alive."

Dumbledore nodded. "Precisely right, Mrs. Potter. Winning a battle has little to do with how many enemies you kill. In most cases, it's rather more nuanced than that."

"Where's he hiding, anyway?" asked one of the other Order members. "I thought that house was abandoned."

"So did I," Dumbledore said. "But according to my source, the basement has been converted into suitable headquarters. One way in, one way out – clever of him, wouldn't you agree?"

James frowned. "If there's only one entrance, they'll be able to pick us off…"

"One entrance," Dumbledore interrupted, "and one exit. We'll have to lure them out."

"How?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime, let's take care of those sentries."

Lily withdrew her wand, clutching it tightly as she headed deeper into the woods. She could hardly see where she was going, her world pitch black other than an occasional shaft of moonlight. Resisting the urge to cast Lumos, she aimed a silencing charm at her feet, careful not to reveal her location.

" _Stupefy!_ "

The shout came from somewhere to her right, though it wasn't directed at her. Glaring red light illuminated the forest, followed by the crash of a body hitting the ground. Order member or Death Eater? She couldn't be sure, though she was relieved that the target hadn't been killed.

Suddenly, there was no shortage of light. Flurries of spells flew from every direction, darkness replaced by a full spectrum of color. Noise filled her ears with the fury of a thunderstorm, screams and shouts and curses, the awful cracking of trees as they were blasted apart. Swallowing her panic, she lifted her wand, aiming it at a hooded figure as it appeared on the path in front of her.

" _Expelliarmus!_ "

The spell worked, though not as she'd intended. The Death Eater flew backward, his head smacking against a jagged outcropping of rock. She moved a little closer, horrified as an impossible amount of blood pooled on the ground around her feet.

He was dead. He had to be. But who was he? She needed to know.

"Not Severus," she whispered, leaning down to remove the mask. "Please."

Too late, she recognized her mistake. She heard a rustle of leaves behind her, gasping as something hot and sharp sliced into her back. Losing her grip on her wand, she hit the ground hard, unable to defend herself as the Death Eater slashed at her a second time. She felt blood soaking through her clothes, struggling to remain conscious as a second Death Eater stepped into her line of vision.

" _Sectumsemp…_ "

" _Avada Kedavra!_ "

* * *

Lily opened her eyes, blinking furiously as she took in her surroundings. She was lying in an unfamiliar bed, surrounded by furniture she'd never seen. Where was she? And how the bloody hell had she gotten there?

She sat up, gasping as she stared down at herself. Not only was she naked, but she appeared to be freshly bathed. She could smell soap on her skin, a spicy, strangely familiar fragrance. What…

Suddenly, it all came back, memories flooding through her as she spotted several objects on the bedside table. Jars of ointment. A pile of bloody rags. Her own wand, which she remembered dropping when the Death Eater cut her down. She cringed, remembering the agony she'd felt when he'd sliced her open. Following that, her recollections were hazy, a flash of green light followed by darkness.

"Ah, you're awake."

_"Severus?"_

She turned her head, her eyes widening as they met his. He was sitting in an armchair on the other side of the bed, his face pale with fatigue.

"I'm not dead." The observation was stupidly obvious, but it was the only thing she could think of to say.

"No, you're most certainly not."

"But he… he cut me. He hit me with the Killing Curse."

Severus shook his head. "He didn't cast that curse. I did."

"You killed him?"

"Yes."

"And then you…"

"I took you away from there, brought you here to Spinner's End. You were deeply unconscious by then, barely breathing… I was afraid it was too late. So much blood…" He trailed off, his expression haunted. "To think I might've been responsible for…"

"You weren't the one who cursed me."

"No," he said. "But I invented the spell. Fortunately, I also invented the counterspell."

"You healed me."

"Yes."

"How bad was it?"

"Bad," he said quietly. "Your back was sliced to bits along with deep slashes on your thighs and stomach. He caught you across the chest, and even your face…"

She lifted the blanket, taking another look at herself. There was no sign that she'd been injured, her skin smooth and unblemished.

"No scars?"

"I made sure there wouldn't be."

"Thank you."

"Bloody hell, don't thank…" He sighed, giving his head a little shake. "How are you feeling now?"

"Thirsty," she said. "A bit hungry, too. Other than that? I feel fine."

He nodded. "I'll get you something to eat."

She waited for him to leave before she ducked into the bathroom, feeling like she hadn't relieved herself in days. Of course, she knew it hadn't been _that_ long – a quick glance at the clock told her it was just after 3 AM. She could afford to stay for a few more hours, couldn't she? She'd just tell James…

James. What had happened to James?

"Severus?" she said, relieved he'd chosen that moment to return. "The battle… was anyone…"

Setting a tray in front of her, he poured her a glass of pumpkin juice. "Potter is fine, if that's what you're asking. There were only minor injuries, with the exception of…"

"I killed someone."

"So did I."

"Do you know who they were?"

"No one you should lose any sleep over, I assure you. The one you killed was quite fond of murdering children."

"And the other?"

"You don't want to know."

"What's worse than murdering children?"

"If I hadn't come along when I did…" He shook his head. "Nevermind. The point is that they're dead and good riddance to them both."

She hesitated, taking a bite of her sandwich. "So they never made it to headquarters then? The Order, I mean."

"Headquarters? The Dark Lord has no permanent headquarters. There are more than a dozen places where he chooses to hold meetings – not even his followers can predict where he'll be at any given time."

"But the house…"

"He hasn't used that location in months."

"But he knew we were coming?"

"Naturally."

"How is that possible? Do you think there's a…"

"A traitor in your midst?" Severus said as he joined her on the bed. "Yes, I do. I wouldn't trust anyone with your secrets. Don't give them information unless it's absolutely necessary to do so. Even if it's someone you _think_ you can trust… "

"People aren't always what they seem."

"Precisely."

She sighed, her mind conjuring up an image of James. She knew how much it could hurt to trust the wrong person, had felt the consequences of having that trust betrayed. Her lapse in judgment had condemned her to a loveless marriage, one she couldn't hope to escape anytime soon. Of course, things would be different after the war, but how much longer would she have to wait? 

"What's wrong?" Severus said, his voice quiet.

"I'm just… I'm so tired of living this way."

"I know."

He wrapped her in his arms, holding her close as she rested her head on his shoulder. She didn't know how it had happened, but he'd become her primary source of comfort, a single ray of hope in an otherwise dismal existence. How had she ever fooled herself into believing he was her enemy? He could've betrayed her a thousand times and he hadn't. Instead, he'd risked his life time and again for her sake, whether that was showing up in James's backyard or defending her in a battle where he might've easily blown his cover. He had to have known what was at stake when he'd killed that Death Eater, but obviously, it hadn't mattered. He'd been willing to risk everything to save her, would've died for her if need be.

"Severus?"

"Hmmm?

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Thank you for saving my life."

"I saved us both."

With that, he lowered his head, covering her mouth with his. The kiss was gentle, though that was quickly replaced by an intensity that took her breath away. It was as if they were trying to communicate everything they'd ever felt for each other, a thousand things that couldn't be fully expressed through words. Love and fear, frustration and loss and hope, underscored by desperation. Desperate to be together. Desperate for the war to end. Desperate to free themselves from a past that shackled them both, to escape to a world that was purely their own.

Escape they did, at least for a little while. She forgot about everything but the taste of his lips, the touch of his hands, the way his body felt against hers. Closing her eyes, she surrendered completely, whispering his name like a prayer. He seemed to understand what she needed, his lips alighting tiny fires along the curve of her neck before he moved lower, drawing her nipple into his mouth.

"Please…"

In response, he dipped his head, long hair tickling her stomach as he kissed her navel. She held her breath, quivering with anticipation as he moved lower, lower, her thighs falling apart as he buried his face between them. She arched her back, moaning helplessly as he teased her with the tip of his tongue. 

"Right there, Severus. Yes…"

She lost herself in a haze of pleasure, unable to utter more than wordless cries as her head fell back against the pillow. He didn't stop until she was satisfied, her body still trembling as she opened her eyes to find him poised above her. He kissed her then, hot and fierce, reaching down to position himself as he whimpered against her mouth.

"Lily…"

"I know."

Lifting her legs to give him better access, she moaned in response to his swift, pounding thrusts. He was beyond any thought of restraint, beyond anything but the need for release. It didn't take him long, his harsh pants giving way to a series of shuddering groans. She cried out at the exact same moment, feeling him pulse within her as her body quivered in response.

"That was…"

"Perfect," she finished for him, reaching up to brush the damp hair away from his forehead.

"To say the least."

He shifted to one side, pulling her into his arms as their heartbeats gradually slowed. She wished they could stay that way forever, but there was no ignoring the clock on the wall, nor the faint gray light that now spilled across the bed.

"It's 6:30," she said, letting out a heavy sigh. "I'd better go."

"What will you tell him?"

She shrugged. "I'm only a few hours late. I'll just say that one of the Death Eaters led me on a bit of a chase."

"A few _hours?_ Lily, you… you've been here for two days."

" _What?!_ Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought you knew."

"How the bloody hell was I supposed to know? I was _unconscious!_ "

"You're right. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking…"

"Where are my clothes?"

"Destroyed in the battle."

"Great," she said. "Not only do I have to explain where I've been, but I also have to come up with an excuse as to why my clothes are gone? What am I supposed to…"

Severus rose from the bed, retrieving his discarded shirt from the floor. He transfigured a cloak that somewhat resembled the one she'd lost, muttering an apology as he wrapped it around her shoulders. He obviously felt terrible, though unfortunately, she didn't have time to reassure him. Her lengthy absence placed both of them in danger – she had to get home and try to mitigate the damage.

"Closest Apparition point?"

"This way."

He led her outside, pointing at a scrubby patch of grass near the back fence. She reached it before he did, her heart pounding as she glanced back over her shoulder.

"I… I guess I'll see you later."

"Wait! Take this."

She shoved the vial in her pocket, closing her eyes against a dizzying swirl of shapes and colors. The next thing she knew, she was standing in the Potters' rear garden, swallowing her panic as she slipped through the back door.

"Ah, I've been wondering when you were planning to come back. Or _if_ , I should say."

James was waiting for her in the kitchen, clutching a half empty bottle of Firewhiskey. He lifted it to his lips, taking a long swig before he slammed it on the counter.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I know you must've been worried. I can explain."

"Can you? Then by all means, go ahead."

"I was…"

"Off shagging a Death Eater? Yeah, I already know that part."

" _What did you say?_ "

"And not just any Death Eater," he said, pausing to take another drink. "Snape."


	9. Damage

##  **Damage**

* * *

"Severus?" Lily shook her head. "That's ridiculous."

"I would've thought so, too. When Peter first told me…"

" _Peter?_ I haven't even _seen_ him since…"

"Since the morning after we had that fight," James said. "I sent him to grab some clothes, remember?"

"Okay, but what does that have to do with…"

"Snivellus? Quite a lot, as it turns out."

For once, Lily didn't object to the nickname. She sank into the closest chair, not trusting her trembling legs to hold her upright.

"I didn't even see Peter when he was here. I was asleep in my room, so whatever he _thought_ he saw…"

"Smelled."

"What?"

"Smelled," James repeated. "Rats have keen senses, you know."

"He… he wasn't in his Animagus form. I heard him come in, heard him leave, I…"

"That morning, yes. But not the night before."

Panic rose in Lily's throat, her stomach churning with nausea. She took a deep breath, her voice emerging as a faint whisper.

"What are you saying?"

"I had to make sure you wouldn't leave," James said, "or do anything stupid. Sirius and I were busy with Remus's transformation, but Peter… he's more useful for other things."

"You sent him here to _spy_ on me?"

"It's a good thing I did, wouldn't you say? Otherwise, I might've never known."

"Known _what?_ " she shot back.

"That you were fucking Snivellus."

"I didn't _fuck_ …"

"I know for a fact he was here that night, so don't try to tell me…"

"Fine," she interrupted. "He was here, okay? I asked him to come over, just to talk. I wanted to apologize…"

"Wanted to do a lot more than that, apparently."

"No."

"No?" James echoed. "Then why were the two of you shut up in your bedroom all night?"

"We were talking," she said. "I just _told_ you that. Yes, we were in my room, but I… I was afraid you'd come home. Knowing how spiteful you can be, I wanted to make sure he could escape if…"

"Liar."

"What makes you think I'm…"

"You and Snivellus weren't alone in that room," James interrupted, his eyes gleaming with triumph. "Peter was there, too."

For a second, Lily thought she might faint. Her vision grew dark around the edges, the room teetering precariously as she struggled to get her bearings.

"You…" She paused, forcing herself to take a deep breath. "You didn't…"

"Death Eaters sneaking into my house in the middle of the night? What else was I supposed to do?"

"I… I think I'm going to be sick."

"Yeah," James said. "I felt the same way when Peter described what he'd seen. Still, we should probably go over the details, just in case you still don't believe…"

"No! Please, no, just… give me a minute."

To her surprise, he made no attempt to stop her. She fled from the kitchen, knocking her chair over in her haste to get to the bathroom. 

She'd expected to vomit, though that urge passed as soon as she'd warded the door behind her. Instead, she felt an intense, overwhelming need to take a shower, stripping off her clothes before she plunged herself beneath a stream of scalding hot water.

That night… she could still picture it, Severus watching her hungrily as she'd stood at the foot of the bed.

_"Shall I take off the rest?"_

He wasn't the only one who'd heard those words. Peter had heard them, too. He'd been watching as she'd undressed, exposing every inch of her body beneath the candlelight.

Lily scrubbed herself harder, wishing she could block out the rest. The way she'd pleasured Severus with her mouth, whimpering his name as she'd taken him inside her… those memories were precious, though intensely private. Just the thought that someone else had been there…

She'd never felt more violated. Unfortunately, that was the _least_ of her problems.

"Almost done in there?"

"Just about!"

Lily stepped out of the shower, reaching for her wand. She cast a Calming Charm, feeling a bit more settled as she summoned clothes from her bedroom. Naturally, she was still upset… angry, frightened, dreading the conversation to come. But at least she could think clearly now, taking a deep breath as she headed downstairs.

"Shower?" James said, smirking as he noticed her wet hair. "Don't blame you, really. If Snivellus had put his filthy hands all over me…"

"What did Peter see? Tell me everything."

"If you insist."

Listening to James's version wasn't easy, an act of love twisted into something disgusting and wrong. Still, she breathed a sigh of relief, realizing that Peter had left as soon as it was over. He hadn't been there to hear the conversation that followed, words that were far more revealing than anything physical she and Severus had done.

"James," she said as the room grew quiet. "There's something I still don't understand."

"What's that?"

"If you knew he was here, what we were doing… why didn't you…"

"Why didn't I come back and catch you in the act?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, I thought about it," he said. "Quite a lot, actually. Decided it would be better to pretend I didn't know."

"Why?" Lily asked, though deep down, she already knew the answer.

"Because you were afraid of me finding out. As long as that was the case, you'd do whatever it took to keep up the facade, even if that meant…"

"Having a baby?"

He nodded. 

"So that's why you hardly let me out of your sight for months," she said, "why you were so obsessed with getting me pregnant."

"Well, that _is_ why I married you. You know how important it is for me to pass on my family's name."

"Yes, but it wasn't just that, was it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You wanted to get even with Severus, and with me, too. If I'd gotten pregnant… you must've known how much that would hurt him."

James didn't respond. He didn't need to. His expression told her everything she needed to know, self-righteousness mingled with satisfaction.

"That's why you didn't come back that morning," she said, "why you didn't hex him or call the Order. You wanted to drag it out, didn't you? _Really_ make him suffer."

"You're my wife, Lily, or have you forgotten? He had no right to take what's mine."

" _You don't own me, James!_ " she shouted. "I would've never married you in the first place if I'd known…"

This conversation was getting them nowhere. Lily realized that, burying her head in her hands as she struggled to collect her thoughts. Finally, she took a deep breath, lifting her eyes to his.

"How did you know I was with him?"

"Haven't we been through this already? I sent Peter…"

"No, after the battle. Did you just assume, or…"

"Tracking charm."

" _Tracking charm?_ " Her eyes widened. " _What_ tracking charm?"

"Spinner's End," he said, retrieving a scrap of parchment from his pocket. "Cokeworth. Seems the house was originally purchased by someone named Tobias Snape. Ring any bells?"

_He knew where Severus lived. Dear god…_

"James, please. He's not who you think he is."

"So he's _not_ a Death Eater?"

"He… he doesn't want to be. Not anymore."

" _That's_ what he told you? I can't believe he tricked you into…"

"He's not the one who tricked me," she snapped. "You did! How dare you treat me like this, acting like _I'm_ the one who's done something wrong when _you_ …"

" _He's a bloody Death Eater!_ "

"He's a better man than you'll ever be!"

For a second, she thought James was going to hit her. Instead, he snatched the bottle off the table, downing the last bit of Firewhiskey.

"This has to stop. You and Snivellus, whatever madness this is… it has to stop."

She hesitated, taking a deep breath. "I don't want it to stop."

"You're married to _me!_ "

"Fine," she said. "Let's get an annulment then."

"No."

"Why not? You don't love me. I sure as hell don't love you either, so…"

"I don't want a bloody annulment."

"Okay," she said, hating the desperation in her voice. "We'll stay married if that's what you want, but can't we stop lying to ourselves? Let's face it – we both want to be with other people."

"So?"

"So why can't we work out an arrangement? You and Sirius, me and…"

"Risk everyone finding out that I'm being cuckolded by Severus _Snape?!_ No fucking way."

"We'll be discreet. We can…"

"You can end it. That's the only option I'll accept."

"And if I refuse?"

"If you refuse," James said, "I'll give his address to the Order. I'm sure they'd love to capture a known Death Eater, especially when he's alone and vulnerable."

She shook her head. "They don't know for sure…"

"No, but they will. Assuming he was stupid enough to take the Dark Mark, that's all the proof they'll need."

Lily stared at him in silence, chills skittering up her spine. If she ended her relationship with Severus, would that really be enough to keep him safe? She wanted to think so, yet she couldn't help remembering those last few years at Hogwarts.

_"Leave him alone. What's he done to you?"_

_"Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…"_

It didn't matter that James had driven her and Severus apart, nor that he'd gotten everything he'd wanted. He'd never stopped torturing him, all while pretending he'd outgrown such vicious behavior.

This time would be no different. Deep down, Lily knew that, her eyes filling with tears as she looked at her husband. 

"James," she whispered. "Why do you have to be so cruel?"

"Protecting my wife from a Death Eater? If that's cruel…"

"This has nothing to do with protecting me. You're _hurting_ me! Why, James? Why can't you just leave him alone?"

"Because he's evil. You can't see that, but I can."

"Fine," she said, her voice catching on a sob. "What do I have to do?"

"Break it off. Never see him again."

"Yes, but what do I have to do to keep him _safe?_ "

James shrugged. "Break it off and I'll leave him alone."

"I don't believe you."

"Why not?"

" _Because you're a bloody liar!_ " she shouted. "You promised to leave him alone before and what did you do? You attacked him in the forest. You stripped his clothes off and left him petrified in the hallway! Now you expect me to believe you'll just let this go? Please."

"I swear I won't…"

"No," she said. "I don't want to hear it. What I want is a guarantee."

"What are you suggesting?"

"Unbreakable Vow."

To her surprise, he didn't shrink from the idea. Instead, he fell silent, his expression thoughtful as he twirled his wand between his fingers.

"If I agree to this," he said a few minutes later, "you'll have all the power. What's to stop you from shagging him anytime you want?"

"Unlike you, I know how to keep a promise. If you stay away from him, I will, too."

He shook his head. "Not good enough."

Lily knew there was one way out of this situation, the _only_ way she could hope to guarantee Severus's safety. Just the thought of it was enough to break her heart, but what choice did she have? She loved him too much to subject him to James's hatred, even if that meant giving him up.

"All right," she said quietly. "I'll take the Vow."

"Really?"

"Yes."

He nodded. "I'll send an owl to Sirius."

"Does he…" She trailed off, shaking her head. "Of course he knows. Anyone else?"

"Just Peter. He's been sworn to secrecy."

"I'm not worried about Peter, but Sirius… he'll have to take the Vow, too."

"He might not want to do that."

"Convince him," she said. "Otherwise, I won't go through with it."

* * *

Lily sat at the kitchen table, her hands shaking as she reached for quill and parchment. James had agreed to let her write a goodbye letter, probably because he knew how much it would hurt Severus to receive it.

Of course, that was also why he'd chosen to take the Unbreakable Vow. The chance to permanently destroy their relationship, depriving Severus of the only person he truly loved? James couldn't pass on an opportunity like that, even if it meant making a few sacrifices of his own. Whatever it took to win, to prove that…

Honestly, Lily didn't know _what_ he was trying to prove. She couldn't bring herself to care either, her heart aching as she dipped her quill in the inkpot.

_Dear Severus…_

"Be careful what you say. He needs to believe this is your choice."

"I know."

It took more than an hour to finish, and even then, she wasn't happy with what she'd written. Nonetheless, she handed it to James, watching him nod in approval as he scanned the contents.

"Right," he said. "Let's go ahead and send it."

"This is wrong," she whispered, tears blurring her vision. "James, please…"

"It'll be all right, Lils," Sirius said as he joined them at the table. "I know it's hard to see that, but whatever potion he gave you, whatever spell he cast… it'll wear off. In the meantime, we're just trying to keep you safe."

"I don't need you to keep me _safe!_ What I _need_ is…"

She didn't bother to finish. What was the point? Neither of them gave a damn what she thought or felt or believed. They never had, both equally convinced that Severus was evil while they were brave and righteous and good. That level of arrogance left no room for compassion, no consideration for any viewpoint that differed from theirs.

Their arrogance was painful, yes, but it was also dangerous. She had to make sure Severus was protected, even if that meant…

"Ready?" James said.

"Yes."

He clasped her arm, his eyes fixed on hers as Sirius lifted his wand.

"Will you, James Potter, promise to inflict no injury on Severus Snape?"

"I will."

She held her breath, watching as the fiery ribbon wound its way around their arms.

"Will you swear that you will not encourage anyone else to harm him?"

"I will."

A second streak of light shot from the tip of Sirius's wand, joining the first.

"And will you vow to keep any personal information about him to yourself, revealing nothing that might place him in danger?"

James hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh. 

"I will."

The third rope of flame glowed so bright it was almost blinding, entwining around their wrists. Gradually, the light faded, a sense of completion hovering in the air as Sirius lowered his wand.

"Your turn."

"Actually," she said. "I've changed my mind."

" _What?!_ "

"You heard me."

"But… you swore you'd do it! It was supposed to be me then you, then…"

"Me," Sirius finished for him. "I'm not taking the vow until you do."

"Oh no," she said. "I'll take the Vow. But it won't be permanent."

James sputtered, his face turning an unflattering shade of red. "You agreed…"

"Either it expires after a reasonable length of time, or I won't do it. It's not like I have to worry about you hurting him."

"Sirius can still…"

Lily shrugged. "I'm not worried about him either."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "If you think I won't…"

"No," she said, "I don't think you will. You want to know why? Because I can get to Severus a hell of a lot faster than you can."

"What are you saying?"

"You might have his address, but I can reach him at a moment's notice no matter where he is. If I have the vaguest inkling, even the slightest _hint_ that you're planning to hurt him, I'll call him down on James. And what will happen then? If James is alone, unable to defend himself without breaking his Vow…"

"You wouldn't," James whispered.

"Oh, I would. I'll do whatever it takes to keep Severus safe."

"You'd betray your husband for the sake of a Death Eater?" Sirius shook his head.

"I'd choose a man who loves me over one who doesn't, if that's what you're asking. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Agree to my terms and you'll never have to worry about me betraying anyone."

"Fine," James snapped. "10 years."

"One year."

He shook his head. "No bloody way."

"Two years."

"Five," he shot back.

"Three," she replied. "I'm not going any higher than that."

"Three years?" Sirius said. "I doubt he'll survive that long. Even if he does, he'll probably wind up in Azkaban."

"Yeah, you're probably right." James sighed, reaching down to grip Lily's arm. "Okay, let's get this over with."

Swallowing past her tears, Lily watched the first band of light spring from the tip of James's wand. Painful though it was, she knew she was doing the right thing, sacrificing her present for the hope of a better future. Once Sirius took his Vow, neither he or James would ever be able to hurt Severus again. That was worth three years, wasn't it?

Of course it was.

In three years, the war would surely be over. Not only that, but her Vow could easily tip the odds in Severus's favor. Two of the Order's best fighters would be unable to attack him. They couldn't expose his whereabouts or reveal any information that might place him in danger. The Vow might also keep him out of Azkaban… after all, neither James or Sirius would be able to contradict her if she spoke in his defense.

After that? Well, who knew what would happen? Didn't matter, really, as long as she and Severus were free.

"Ready?"

Sirius nodded as she took his arm, both of them waiting for James to lift his wand.

"Will you, Sirius Black, promise to inflict no injury on Severus Snape?"

He agreed to the vows without protest, a trio of fiery ribbons locking tight around their wrists. Lily watched them fade, feeling as if a great weight had been lifted off her shoulders. He really was powerless now, just as James was, the two of them seeming much more benign as they left the room.

As for her own vows…

_"Will you, Lily Evans Potter, promise not to contact Severus Snape for the next three years?"_

_"I will."_

_"And will you vow not to respond to any messages from him until three years have passed?"_

_"I will."_

" _And will you swear that you'll make no attempt to see him?_ "

James had tried to trap her with that last one, but she'd caught it just in time. Shaking her head, she'd waited for him to add the caveat.

_"Will you swear that you'll make no attempt to see him for the next three years?"_

_"I will."_

* * *

_Dear Severus,_

_I have to stop seeing you. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but I know this is the right thing to do._

_We've both been fooling ourselves. I realize that now. We can't pretend that the last few years never happened, that we're not bound to the paths we've chosen._

_I'm sorry, Severus. I never meant to mislead you. I don't want to mislead you in the future either, which is why I have to let you go. I have to do what is right, what's necessary, which means I can't keep betraying my marriage vows. I don't know what will happen in the long run, but for now, I must honor my commitment to James._

_I won't ask you to wish me luck. That wouldn't be fair. I can only ask your forgiveness, though I know I have no right to expect it._

_Sincerely,_   
_Lily Evans Potter_

Dropping the letter, Severus buried his face in his hands. He stayed that way for several minutes, struggling to process what he'd just read.

_I have to stop seeing you._

Was he surprised that she'd been having doubts about their relationship? No, not really. The secrecy, the danger, all the complications… he would've understood if she'd said she wanted to slow down or be more careful, or…

But to say that she didn't want to see him at all, claiming that she wanted to work on her marriage instead? That part rang hollow. He'd heard the contempt in her voice when she'd spoken of Potter, had seen the relief in her eyes when she'd talked about leaving him.

What had changed?

Shaking his head, Severus retrieved the letter from the floor. The second readthrough was equally painful, though several things stood out to him. Bound to the paths they'd chosen? Doing what was right? That didn't sound like she was madly in love with Potter. No, it was far more likely that she'd had a crisis of conscience. And why not? She'd made a commitment, after all, something she'd always taken quite seriously.

The more he thought about it, the more this theory made sense. He'd never known Lily to go back on her word unless she felt she had no other choice. Was this really so different? If she felt she owed it to Potter to give it one last try… well, she wouldn't feel right about herself until she'd done so.

Glancing at the letter one more time, Severus picked up on something that made him feel infinitely better.

_I don't know what will happen in the long run, but for now…_

Deep down, she knew it was a lost cause. She might not have said so, but it wasn't difficult to read between the lines. She wasn't ending their relationship. No, she was asking him to put it on hold, giving her the space she needed to close the door on her previous commitment. 

Was that so unreasonable? If he could just be patient…

Summoning his wand, Severus twirled it in a familiar motion.

" _Expecto Patronum!_ "

* * *

" _If you need me,_ " the doe said as it appeared in Lily's room, " _you know where to find me. Otherwise, I will respect your wishes._ "


End file.
